Crazy now that I typed this…Father choosing estrangement after remarriage
I hope I’m in the right place. If not, please kindly let me know where to post. It’s long but I’d truly appreciate anyone who has some advice or support. Here goes…All of this is since January 2025.
I’m an identical twin (we’re in our 30s). Were very close. Grew up with Mom and Dad, lived a very protected childhood. We had good parents-though of course as an adult I see some dysfunction. But that’s not the point.
My sister and I are very close. We’re both nurses, work together, spend most days together as do our kids. My daughters are older (19&16). Hers are younger. Our husbands are also pretty close. We’ve always had a very close family, spending every holiday and birthday with my parents and our families. I’m talking New Years, July 4th, everything. Family vacations together. We were tight knit…until our world turned upside down last year when our parents decided to divorce. My Dad actually left my Mom on their 35th anniversary. Went missing and we were looking everywhere for him. Found him asleep in his truck in an Allsups parking lot.
They filed in January, divorce was final in March. My father gave my Mom 50k for a new home and let her keep her retirement.
The day after the divorce, Dad sat me and my sister down to tell us he was seeing someone. The woman was someone who has been in our lives our whole life (distantly). But she’s also My husbands aunt, and my ex-best friends mother. But we tried to be supportive of both our parents moving on, with the mindset that they deserve that because they raised their family. Well, the day my oldest was graduating high school (in May, 5 months after them splitting up) Dad texts me and my sister a picture that he had proposed to her. I was upset because it’s an emotional day your first daughter graduating. Also, my sister and I and my daughters were still recovering from the divorce. And he drops this bombshell…but we told him congratulations. Still trying to be supportive. Even though-THIS makes me and my husband 1st cousins by marriage (I can’t make this up…). And also means an ex friend is now our stepsister.
They got married in September. She is extremely religious and now has my Dad drinking the koolaid (she’s weird religious-like anti holidays because it’s evil kind of religion). Well, it wasn’t long after they got married she started treating my oldest daughter poorly, passive aggressively. My youngest daughter went through a bout of depression - and during that time my Dad wanted her to come stay with him (they’ve always been close). I let her, but when I tried to have her come home she said she was having suicidal thoughts, and Dad called my husband screaming that he was keeping her there “even if he has to lose his daughter”. I over heard that and something in me broke. Because I knew her mental health wasn’t good, I was scared to death. And there’s Dad positioning himself between me and my daughter. It honestly blew my mind…I was heartbroken and scared. But I told Dad I would give her the space she needed while she started therapy that I set up. Well the next week she stayed out until 4 am (15 years old and he was leaving my suicidal daughter home alone overnight to take care of his dogs) while his wife traveled with him for work. So I told him she was coming home, and she wasn’t happy about it (at his house she was driving a new Denali and didn’t have much supervision). She is much better now and we are closer than ever, she’s happy and has actually apologized for how she treated me.
Well. Dad got married last September. And it’s just gone downhill from there. He stopped coming to almost everything. This woman doesn’t leave his side, doesn’t want him to attend family events without her but, they both also refuse to be around my mom. So it complicates everything.
In January, my nephew and dads only grandson (he’s 5) hit his head while sledding and had a head injury. My sister and I have both worked ER, so we knew how bad it could be. My nephew couldn’t even recognize my sister (his mom), was vomiting and showing all the signs of a traumatic brain injury. He was transferred to a pediatric hospital and put on a neuro floor and stayed for 5 days until they were sure he would be okay. In a panic, in the ER before he was transferred, my sister said family only (she didn’t want to deal with Dads new wife). Dad got to the hospital and the first thing he said was “who told me I couldn’t bring my wife”. My Mom, me, and of course my sister and her husband followed the ambulance the 4 hour drive for the transfer. Dad didn’t go. His only grandson with a brain injury and he wanted to go home to his wife. In the moment all we were focused on was my nephew. 2 days after being at Cooks, Dad called me and said “when is your mom leaving because me and my wife are coming”. My sister didn’t want Mom to leave (she was struggling) so we told dad his new wife could come but Mom wasn’t leaving and she could sit in the cafeteria or something while Dad visited (my sisters choice). This incident started a whole domino effect of chaos with him…..
He didn’t go to my daughters birthday because she didn’t want his wife there because of how she as been treated. He didn’t go to my nephews birthday because my Mom was going to be there. And this had my daughters and all of us upset.
Fast forward and lots of hurtful things have been said, on all parts. The worst probably coming from me one night when I socially had too much to drink and my sister was crying because Dad said he wasn’t coming to my nephews birthday. But my father is also saying things that aren’t true. A couple of examples: that we never went to church (my mom sister and me went every Wednesday and Sunday), that I’m keeping my daughters from talking to him (I’m not), and basically he seems paranoid and his reality is distorted. He showed up to my youngest daughters school and called her over in the parking lot at lunch and she left balling because he wanted her to get a burner phone because he thinks I’m keeping her from speaking to him. Told her he was going to mail her a birthday card with no money in it but he would secretively give her money. It’s all just wacky and weird-because my Dad has always been the most level headed person I know. But I am PISSED. And he knows it, you don’t teach a 16 year old who has tried weed, drank, and has struggled with mental health to hide things from their parents. It’s wild…
So. After I found this out, I was my nephews Tball game. Dad showed up with his wife. And I gave him a look for him to know I was pissed. He threw his chair down and walked over bowed up screaming “do you got a fucking problem”. I somehow stayed calm and said “we are not doing this in front of the kids”. My daughters were right next to me. He yelled do you got a fucking problem again, and I just said “we’re not doing this here but yes I do” and he walked off, picked up his chair, and sat far away from everyone else.
The next day, he apologized to my sister and a couple of other parents there. But not to me, not my daughters. And we haven’t spoken since. My sister does see how dysfunctional this all is. And she is angry with him, for how he handled my nephews accident. For trying to manipulate my daughter. And for blowing up at her son’s Tball game. And also for just disengaging with our family.
Well yesterday was Father’s Day, and happened to also be mine and sisters birthday. I texted him happy Father’s Day, no response. He did not wish me happy birthday. But went by my sisters the few hours we weren’t together so he could see her for a few minutes for Father’s Day/birthday. Dads wife already didn’t like me from the fallout with ex friend in our 20s, I guess. I don’t really know. But how do you tell one of your twin daughters happy birthday, and not the other?
I am devastated. How do you have identical twin daughters, and behave this way? I’ve struggled with self worth thoughts, and just don’t have a clue what to do. He wants a relationship with my sister, not me. And his wife invited “my sister and her family” for Father’s Day—my sister declined and told her she’s not carrying on as if I’m not a part of this family.
All of this is very disorienting, devastating. It’s sparked feelings of abandonment in me. As you can imagine there are other details-these are the high notes. But it’s weird enough that my sister and I have had the conversation wondering if Dad has something psychological going on (such as like frontal lobe dementia starting or something…idk).
I’m all ears for advice, input. But please be kind. I am broken. Ive been estranged for a month and a half from my father, who has always been my rock. And Im struggling.