u/Upset_Drawer3682

I'm a child of divorced parents. It happened when I was four years old, right when I started forming memories. So yes I remember the last moments my parents were together, and they weren't happy memories.

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My mom was a heavy smoker and drank a lot. My father always cheated on her, even before they got married — and my mother knew, but she married him anyway. My father also drank heavily and spent money on clubs and expensive hobbies.

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When I was two or three, some money went missing. My father asked me if I had seen it, and I thought it was a game or something fun, so I said I flushed it down the toilet. He started beating me and threw water on me. I also remember him punching my sister.

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The house was always a mess. No one ever cleaned it. My grandma sometimes tells me she would find me and my sister dirty, with unchanged diapers and so on.

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Then my parents split up. I was scared I might have to go live with my dad, but in the end I went to his place every other weekend.

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My mom worked all day, so I spent the afternoons with my grandma after school. The problem was that she worked shifts, so a lot of the time we were left home alone with no supervision.

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I developed a food dependency. She always kept food out and available, and when you're a child with no adults around, you just go for the food, especially when there's no one watching. I started binge eating every afternoon to fill the emptiness and solitude I felt.

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My grandma was always angry with us. She had no patience, she was already tired from work and had to help my grandpa in the fields too. She yelled at us for everything and isolated us from the rest of the town.

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My eating disorder started when I was a child. My insecurities started from always being at home and never leaving it, because no one had the time to take me anywhere. Not even to a park to socialize. Nothing.

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My mom often took us to the bar with her though. I don't know which was worse: being stuck at home or watching her drink and smoke with strangers.

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Now, as an adult, I feel so left out and anxious. I ruin every relationship because I attach too fast and never trust anyone. I developed paranoia. After I recovered from my eating disorder and lost weight, the medications made me gain it all back (made me lose my job) and I relapsed into bingeing.

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I feel broken and useless It's very difficult to me being a productive member of society bc there are so many things I don't know after being secluded at home with no one to watch for me all my life.