u/Used_Captain_3131

So my wife and I have been together for 26 years (we were 18.) She's been in and out of the emotional dustbin for most of it- from the age of 20 we'd get 3-9 months of "normality" interspersed with 3-48 month bouts of abject depression. The longest period of non depression was 4 years, during which we had 2 children, then the spiral restarted.

Anyway, it's now been just over 2 years since her last (and I believe worst- though maybe it's harder for me to handle with kids to look after...) bout of depression- an all-encompassing constant 3 year grief cycle during which nothing could please her and she said some frankly horrific things to and about me on a near daily basis.

She seems fine. There have been a few wobbles, and a few tell-tale signs, but she finally got diagnosed with CPTSD and got therapy, and seems to be more on top of her mental health.

Now I'm the problem. How do I stop constantly worrying? Her depression, and my role as (what she calls) her "safe person" ("I can let everything out in front of you, you're the only one I trust to still love me after") have defined my entire adult life... Honestly, the last one nearly broke me...

(okay, this next bit sounds like I'm being really harsh but I can't articulate it any other way) Conveniently for her, Complex post traumatic stress disorder messes up the frontal cortex: her memory of her actions and words during depressive episodes is extremely hazy- I'd noticed in our mid 20s that she wouldn't remember people she'd met, things we'd done while in the throes of depression and apparently that's a medical fact, so all the horrible comments, and non stop criticism of me that replay constantly through my autistic little hyperphantasia brain NEVER HAPPENED in her mind. The Christmas day she ran away, telling me and her 6 and 9 year old sons she was going to kill herself because she married a "disappointment who never gave her dopamine"? Never happened. She remembers having a lovely Christmas dinner with her family and getting a nice present, not the fact that I spent 6 hours trying to find her and convincing her to come home prior to her getting her dinner.

She's refused couples therapy as.. "I don't need to hear how hard it's been for you, you know what I was going through." And shuts down any attempts to get some form of closure. My own therapist said the only way I could was attending therapy with my wife. If anyone has any strategies for not constantly worrying it will happen again and just enjoy the good times, please chip in

When my boys were 5+8 they discovered, via YouTube, clips of Bottom- mainly the fights (the chess scene was a favourite, as was "candle... In The eye...." From GHP.) They forgot about it, or so I thought.

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We just had a gas inspection at our place, and my younger son -now 10- handed me a frying pan and said "he'll be dead before he hits the floor"

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My wife laughed, but is blaming me and saying it isn't suitable- explaining that I first started watching it at 9 hasn't helped!

... Just came on randomly on my YouTube Music, which hasn't thrown Mansun at me in a few years. Christ it's brilliant. Hearing and enjoying Mansun fills me with an ennui these days, as their *ahem* legacy has been stamped all over by the petulant boots of Mr Draper, but they were the band that defined my teenage years (I can only disappoint U came out the week of my 18th birthday,) and they were brilliant, if only briefly

In the five years I've been a postie I've seen several instances where the staff go out of their way to protect the worst people. Why do they do it? The endless "us Vs them" postie's Vs managers attitude is pretty stupid when the managers you see daily are one link above you in a 10 link chain of clueless paper pushers!

Examples: Guy in his 50s who is deeply unpopular, and regularly screams abuse at other posties when the manager isn't about: "why the fuck did you do that you stupid bitch?" when a 20 year old woman 3 weeks into the job missorts a parcel... That sort of thing.

Manager hears him screaming that another postie is a worthless c**t and he'll get a smack if he walks past again, then all the staff in the section refuse to say they've witnessed it because they "aren't grasses." Despite the fact this guy does nothing to help anyone but himself and most staff actively want shot of him because he's bullied several decent young postie's out of the job.

The guy that proudly told everyone he'd wiped his arse and used the shit to stick the paper all over the wall to spite the cleaner for "being Muslim." When pulled into the office nobody knew a thing. Once a week he still does it. Everyone finds it disgusting, nobody speaks out.

The woman who tore up all the birthday cards for a house that "only" gave her a £10 tip at Christmas instead of the £20 she expected, in front of all of us. Manager finds the torn up mail in the bin, nobody speaks out.

The multiple people suspended for racist abuse, or actual physical sexual harassment of other staff and members of the public are all met with "it's TERRIBLE what management are doing to poor old whatsisname... We all know what he's like" (one of whom was filmed on a Ring doorbell grabbing a customer and trying to kiss her)

I speak out, and am actively hated for it. Why is this "close ranks around them cos they're one of us" attitude so prevalent?!