Who do you call when youre stuck? (OOP gets stuck to the countertop) (Slice of life)
I am not OOP. OOP is /u/Agent641 posting in /r/perth.
Concluded as per OOP.
Some useful terminology:
jarrah - Eucalyptus marginata, which the countertop is made of.
DFES - Department of Fire and Emergency Services in Australia.
Who do you call when youre stuck? - 2019-02-22
Like lets say you are stuck somewhere, and its not a life threatening emergency situation, but its fairly serious and its gonna require a bit of know-how and gumption to get you unstuck, who do you call? Fire department?
OOP elaborates in a comment thread:
Canigetamoment
Are you ok?
> OOP: Im a bit stuck but otherwise yeah im fine.
Canigetamoment
Where are you stuck? Call the fire department I think, or a friend
> OOP: The front door is locked and i cant open it from where i am, any of my friends that im ok with seeing me naked and vulnerable dont have a car. Also Im naked i didnt mention that before.
Canigetamoment
So definitely call the fire department I think, do you have a spare key outside they could access? Are you able to make yourself less nude if you could get someone to come help you?
> OOP: I have a cushion. No key outside but with a ladder they could go over the roof and come in thru the garage. Ill google to see if theres a non emergency number for them.
Canigetamoment
Yeah I think that’s definitely your best bet. Legit though, how the fuck did you get this stuck?
> OOP: Well I wanted a nice shiny coffee bar counter top, so I cut and sanded and stained it all nice, and i applied a coat of epoxy resin last night. Its supposed to set hard in 24 hrs. So tonight after having a shower i came to check on it, and I rapped my fingers on it and it sounded like hard plastic, so I thought it was set. I was curing it in the livingroom because its the least dusty place. Anyway I just happened to sit down on it while I was reading the destructions (sic) that came with the epoxy, wondering if i should give it another coat. When i was done reading the instructions, i went to stand up, and couldnt. So im kinda sitting here with a slab of live edge jarrah attached to my butt cheeks, watching battlestar galactica and waiting for the non emergency dfes number to return my call. If i could make it to the garage i know ive got some acetone there, but im not sure if it would help. My beer is empty which is a drag, but otherwise everythings great.
In response to OOP's explanation of how they got themselves in this mess:
Muslim_Wookie
Mate call the police communications centre. Getting stuck with epoxy on your skin is no joke, don't try to pull yourself off.
> OOP: I managed to free my nutsack but the butt is gonna take some strategy.
littleblackcat
umm you should call the firies dude
> OOP: I dnt know, they might laugh at my gross white naked body. I dont even have an ab.
postingstuff
Ok this makes my window comment obsolete. What a pickle.
> OOP: OMG YES! One ofthe release agents google mentioned was vinegar. I cant get to the acetone or the thinners in the garage (wont fit thru the doorway) but I know i do have a jar of pickles in the cupboard i could get to, eat the pickles and use the vinegar to weaken the surly bonds of resin! This is now plan A. Dfes ops center still hasnt called back.
metao
I don't even care if it's real or not, this is the best thread to happen to /r/perth in a long time.
> OOP: Homie, I might be borderline r****ded, but Im no liar. (Image transcript: OOP posts a picture showing themselves sitting on top of the countertop by showing the top of their leg, next to a jar of pickles. Their butt is out of frame. Battlestar Galactica is shown on the TV.)
produrp
My attention is glued to this thread.
I’m fucking sorry man
> OOP: No you're not...
produrp
Mate I really feel for you.
Are you free tomorrow? I’m playing basketball with some mates and we need someone to come off the bench.
> OOP: When I can reach my computer Im gonna gild that. (Editor's note: OOP did not remember to gild that post.)
produrp
A mates just finished a PC build and he’s wondering if you can help him Benchmark it?
> Muslim_Wookie
>You need a hypeman cause you are LIT
>> produrp
>> I’ve got more jokes, just working out how to mix them into the conversation.
>> The next one’s a big longer and is in two parts.
>> Part A and Part B.
OOP posts an update in the thread about 1.5 hours after posting the thread:
Update: The gods are good and kind, I made it to the fridge wherer the pickles were, and made it back. The gherkin juice is actually working, very slowly. Did you know that the apparent stickiness of a surface is called 'stiction'? I thi k its mostly hair that is experiencing stiction. If my skin were chemically bonding with the epoxy resin, according to the google it would burn like fucckery, which its not. If it does, ill give in and call literally every emergency service there is.
Cmdr Adama is still in dire staits after being shot by a cylon, but Tigh is doing his best despite a boarding party fucking up the battlestar.
Im down to three gherkins and half a jar of juice. Ive been dabbing it furiously with pages torn from a book called "Man, The Builder". I also got myself a couple of beers while i was at the fridge. Priorities. DFES has stillnot returned my voicemail.
OOP posts another update half an hour later:
Update 2: I am so fucking stupid. Im sitting here thinking, how am i gonna get to the meanest solvent in the house if I cant fit 1340x420mm of Jarrah sideways thru the garage door, but never thought until a couple minutes ago, why it have to stay 1340x420mm?
I know my jigsaw is battery operated and located just inside the door to the garage, so i take my ass that way and fetch it thru the door with a long stick.
Then i sat back on the coffee table snd sawed the countertop in three pieces, only one if which is glued to my person. Now that i can fit through almost all doorways, i was able to get the acetone and the turps and use these to acellerate the fantastic work my pickle juice has been championing. Still watiching BSG while i dissolve my assload of resin, and its going great!
Another half-hour later, OOP posts another update:
Update 3: I managed to pull myself off, my ass hurts like hell and I'm more exhausted than I've ever been in my life. I'm going to bed.
OOP posts their last update in the thread:
Update 4: It is the morning after. There is a little tenderness, but not much pain. If anything, my butt feels thoroughly exfoliated.
The scene of the battle (Image transcript: A piece of the countertop, with exoxy residue on it.)
The "Lay of the Land" (Image transcript: Multiple pieces of the countertop, laid out on a table.)
A close-up of our hero and messiah, this jar of spring valley gherkins (Image transcript: An empty pickle jar.)
I think at some point I said jarrah, and I know that's not what this is, but in the heat of the moment I couldnt remember what kind of timber this colour/style is so I just used the best descriptor I could think of.
I'd like to thank everyone for their support and morbid fascination through this ordeal. Special thanks to /u/postingstuff for the pickle idea, and to /u/produrp for the thorough ridicule and complete lack of empathy, it really kept my spirits up.
I won't be posting a picture of my butt, that would be a crime against humanity.
Some comments on the update:
produrp
If it’s not Jarrah what wood is it?
Blackbutt?
Anyway I’m glad you’re okay man. I was concerned for your safety and wellbeing initially, butt as we learned more of the situation and I was more confident you weren’t in mortal danger I knew what I had to do.
So in the future when I accidentally Vaculok my penis to a nightstand or dynabolt my testicles to the tiled floor I know you’ll be there to hand my ass to me.
🤗🤗
postingstuff
Any time mate, glad I could provide some inspiration in return for the entertainment 🤣
So I finished my new counter top - 2019-02-23
OOP posts a picture of the countertop. (Image transcript: Three pieces of wooden counter top, each with a white coating.)
I posted this just a moment ago, but I think I pasted the link wrong as the image wasn't coming up in the thumbnail.
The time I spent looking at my epoxy job made me realize that not only is it not really worth the trouble, I actually started to dislike the ultra gloss finish of the epoxy. It looked kind of tacky and way too shiny.
I went and bought a new bit of timber from bunnings, added a strip to make it the required width, cut a gouge out to acommodate the geometry of the wall its going against, and coated it this time in matte clear polyurethane (Cabots), which dries in only 2 hrs and is way easier to apply. Three coats and a bit of light sanding and I was finally done with the job. I think it looks way better than the shiny epoxy. I even had time to make some nice cabinet doors, but I've still got to paint these white later this evening.
Two TV channels asked to interview me, one newspaper wanted to do a story and photo op with me and the jar of gherkins, which I've declined, and a couple of online news outlets have run my epoxy butt pickle story with pictures from the thread. I kinda hope that's the end of this wild ride...
I'll be in the workshop.
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments.