u/Violet_Tendenciees

I recently got a hair cut at the Camelon salon. Normally I have an amazing experience there. However, this time not so much. I left with curled hair so I didn’t notice at first, but my layers for my hair are insanely choppy and uneven. I am so disappointed and sad. The stylist who did my hair is not going to be there after awhile. I don’t feel like causing an issue or talking to the manager. It’s not who I am so please don’t suggest it. I simply want a new stylist that knows how to cut natural looking layers. Thank you!

I hate my body. I hate the way I look, even when I try. I hate the way I look, even on the good days. I hate the way I look with my makeup perfect, my hair curled beautifully, my outfit picked to complement me, and my accessories chosen to match it. I hate it. I am a fat girl trying her best with what she has. I am wearing a mask that is used to distract from my midsection, my back rolls, my thighs with cellulite, and my ugly, thick arms. I compare myself to an older version of myself. A version of me that was is long gone from me, but I am aggressively trying to get it back. A version of me that existed before my abusive late husband, with a secret feeder kink who emotionally, mentally, and sexually manipulated me into this disgusting fat body. Thank goodness he is dead. If I am ever around his grave, I'll spit on it for the hell he put me through. The version of me that existed before my narcissistic mother pounded my self-image into the ground, from my literal head to my toes. Yes, I am a big girl. Yes, I can pick myself up after crying boo-hoo. Part of me has. I have moved across the country to escape my late husband's abusive family. I have been no contact with my narcissistic mother for years. The sting is there. The wound is there. Just because things change does not mean we hurt less. I have been on GLP-1's for four months. I have lost 15 pounds. I want to lose more. I hate myself every time I eat something that I feel I shouldn't. I count my calories. I come in under my goal every single day. I was once 165-170 lb. I am now 230. I hate my body. I feel trapped in it. I want to feel pretty like I once did. I want to stop feeling like the fat girl. I want to feel beautiful in my body again.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a lonely person. I’m grateful for my life. I have an amazing baby who I love more than anything. My fiancé is the love of my life, but we are in a long distance relationship for the time being. I just wish I had friends. Any time I make any it’s hard for me to keep them. Maybe it’s me. Honestly, it’s probably me. I’ve had friends before. I think my issue is that I’m not going to keep people in my life whose morals and values I don’t agree with. I’m not talking small things either. I’m talking full on hypocrisy or just honest to god “what the fuck” kind of stuff. I miss having friends though. I miss talking to people. I miss getting to know someone and clicking with them in a friendly way. I don’t really know what else to say.

Maybe this is stupid, I’m not sure. My fiancé and I have been together for seven months. We’ve been engaged for four months. We’ve known each other for about three years. We live a couple states apart. He’s working on moving to where I live. He comes and stays with me about every other month. I know I’m extremely lucky. There are couples on here who only see one another once a year. I shouldn’t be complaining. The goodbye hurts though. It hurts a lot. It feels like a part of me is getting violently ripped away every time. I know one day he’ll live here. That things will be easier. Does the goodbye get easier though? I cry every single time.