u/Wandering-Everywhere

We're getting married in October. We're a queer couple and both me and my fiance are women and we're having a joint bachelorette. Since **last October**, I've assigned one of my bridesmaids, F, as the person in charge of the bachelorette. My fiance has assigned one of their friends, L, to work with F on the bachelorette that will include planning the event, decor, and transportation. They are also in charge of finding an airbnb (some people are out of town) and managing the schedule. This bachelorette is going to take place in NYC three days before our wedding in another city. My fiancé has booked tickets for the entire wedding group to fly to the other city the day after the bachelorette so we can all travel as a group.

It's now 2 months out from our wedding and other than booking an Airbnb for the event, we've not heard anything from either F or L so we put them in a group chat and asked for an update on their current planning. We've previously set a budget of $3k and we'd like to know whether the budget is enough and whether people are having trouble. F said that she's been looking but a lot of things she thought was cool was not open on a Wednesday. Her and L hasn't had a chance to correspond so nothing is planned. That made my fiancé nervous since it's just 2 months out and we're doing this in NYC. My fiancé is worried that places will get booked fast. My fiancé and I decided that since it seems like our friends are too overwhelmed to plan things, we'll just plan a rough itinerary which involves a strip dance lesson, dinner, then going out to the clubs.

We communicated in the group chat that this is the plan and we'd need their assistance in hammering in the details (like booking transport, setting up decor, making rsvp). F then reveals that even though she lives 2 hours away from NYC, she's not going to stay at the Airbnb they've booked and also she's booked a different flight than the flight we got for our wedding party and will be arriving a day later than all of us. We were surprised to find out that she booked herself a different flight and asked why she did that. She said that after I initially told her that I was having trouble filling the group to satisfy a group rate, she booked a ticket that night because tickets were getting expensive. I apologized for not updating her and I did drop the ball on that but I also was not expecting her to book a different ticket that day without asking me first. I expressed that I would like for her to cancel her ticket and fly with us. My fiancé "strongly suggested" that F stay at the Airbnb because if we're planning on going clubbing we're planning to be out late and living 2 hrs away and not staying at the bnb was not ideal. F then said that it "feels very manipulating and controlling" that my fiancé "strongly suggest" she stay at the bnb and that there's no way she's going out till 4am so she should just exit the wedding party completely. The insult really offended my fiancé and I told F that she should not have said that. F apologized for using the words manipulative and controlling but now the damage is done and my fiancé says it's forgiven but not forgotten. I told F that she should calm down and think on things for a couple of days before making any nuclear decisions such as exiting the wedding party.

Now two days later I circled back to ask what F decided about her involvement to the wedding and she told me that she'll be there to support me during the wedding but will not attend the bachelorette stating that "we need some time to repair and wouldn't want it to be uncomfortable". The bachelorette is 3 days before the wedding so I'm confused what repair could happen in that time. If no repair happens by the bachelorette, no repair would happen by our wedding.

Here are some questions for reddit:

1. I know I can't force people to join bachelorettes and people have the right to not come (because schedule, financial, etc) even though we specifically asked LAST YEAR for people to consider their ability for these things before accepting the role of a bridesmaid. Am I right in feeling a type of way that F is not coming to a bachelorette that she was suppose to plan?
2. Should I remove F from the wedding party completely because I don't see how if "repair" doesn't happen by the bachelorette, that it'd be repaired before the wedding 3 days later.

Edit: It seems like many people are confused about a few things.
- We're not asking people to spend $3k per person. We (the people getting married) are paying for the entire party. We set a budget of $3k and hoped that'd be enough for a a party.
- "Assigned" is probably the wrong word. I "asked" F if she could take this on over a year ago and she said she would. I've also stated plenty of times over the last year that if she's overwhelmed, if this is too much, please let me know and I'll adjust accordingly.
- It seems like many of you are upset that having decor, rsvp dinner, arranging transport (which is a day of party bus from point A to point B) is too much for a bridesmaid. Then what is under the scope of a bridesmaid in terms of the bachelor party? Are you all saying that me and my fiancé should be planning both wedding and bachelorette? We've expressed to our wedding party over a year ago what we expected in terms of time and financial cost and for each person to please consider the ask before they commit. If they can't commit their time/have financial troubles, then be honest they don't have capacity to be in a wedding party and it won't affect our friendship whatsoever.
- We've also not told anyone that they must stay out till a set time. F saying she's not staying out till 4am was a thing she presumed based on what time the club closes, not a thing we've asked.
- to the people who are upset about our destination bachelorette in an expensive city. We know. We live in NYC. It's not destination. We're paying for the entire thing. No wedding party is putting money into this. We're flying the next day to another city for the actual wedding specifically bcoz NYC is very expensive. We've arranged for the group flight and discounted rate.
- the reason the bachelorette is 3 days ahead of the wedding is because we have friends flying in internationally for this. This way they only had to take one trip.

I am so angry. I'm livid. I don't know who to talk to who can relate so I'm ranting here.

Some context. I'm really trying to keep it short.
My AM visited the US almost 2 years ago. Prior to this, my mom has always portrayed as a gentle kind lady who does non-profit charity work (coz she's a housewife). Other than her having a problem with me being queer, she's mostly supported me with everything else. So our strategy was to just not talk about it. I was and still am living with my partner. And finally after almost 40yrs, my mom finally asked me "do you have a gf" and I thought that was her way of finally "accepting" who I am. She wanted to visit, I asked her if she'll have a problem with race bcoz my partner is black. She made it seem like she'll have no problem with anything, she's just here to chill, she doesn't even want to do tourist stuff coz she's been to the US before. So I was excited for her to come visit. And then proceed to have the worst month of experience that me and my partner ever experienced.

From day 1, my mom had a problem with how my partner was sitting on the sofa. She said my partner shouldn't have had their feet on the sofa (which I do understand is bad for SOME asians, it's only just mild for Taiwan, and if you're in your own home, nobody cares). From that initial sofa-gate, she's proceeded to nitpick every little thing. She won't talk directly to my partner even tho she speaks english. She doesn't want to engage in any activities. Worst part, she made up that my partner's mom "was not around to raise them and that's why they weren't raised right". None of that is true. My partner's mom was a single mom and they were even a debutante growing up.

Fast forward a year from that horrible experience that ended nowhere, my partner (now fiancé) and I decide to visit Taiwan to bring the extended family invites for our wedding. Because of the way my AM treated my partner last time, we told my AP we are not going to stay with them. Of course that is a huge deal resulting in many fights but we stood firm. All my extended family was very nice to my partner and accepting.

Five months later, I called my mom for Mother's day. She was telling me how she has a huge event in November and needs to dedicate May-Nov for it (my wedding is in Oct.) I asked her would she have time to come to the wedding then and she said well about that, I don't think I should go because weddings are suppose to be a joyous event and we don't like her so it's prob best she doesn't come. I asked her whether she's reflected more on why we don't like her. (short answer: no) She went down this whole thing about how my dad told her don't bother going. "Everyone" told her not to go. AND THEN how she and my dad ASKED AI and EVEN AI TOLD HER NOT TO GO.

I'm furious at this point. What selfish, self-centered, immature excuse of a parent are you?! Did you stop to ask me whether it's important for me to have my parents there? You gonna let ai tell you not to see your child? What was your prompt even? Show me your damn prompt! We all know it's gonna be full of made up self-victimizing bull to an too-agreeable bot.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk/rant.

ps. Sofa-gate has now been escalated (literally) to "they had their feet up and it was next to my face". HOW does that even work??

A few weeks ago I posted a thread here asking what bag people actually use for motorcycle commuting, backpack vs tail bag. The responses were kinda what I expected: backpacks that cook your back in summer, tail bags you have to hand-carry off the bike, topcases that sacrifices the look of the bike, and a surprising number of people bungee-cording their backpack to the seat every morning.

Nobody had a clean solution. So I started building one.

The concept is a convertible bag — backpack when you're off the bike, tail bag when you're on it. No tools, under a minute, doable in gloves. The shoulder straps tucks away in tail bag mode and the bag mounts to four webbing loops on the seat via G-hooks on cinch straps. Molle compatible webbing rail around the sides. Clamshell opening.

The v1 prototype is made from IKEA curtain fabric. Yes, really. It was what I had..

https://preview.redd.it/5y19bw3wykzg1.jpg?width=3072&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a78863b443ff7f0f2fd230aa9e5b05f2db9933b6

It's about as scrappy as it gets. It's a concept test sewn from whatever I had available. The point wasn't to make something rideable, it was to prove the conversion mechanism works and figure out where the problems are before committing to real materials. It does convert. It also has about twelve things wrong with it that I'm now fixing.

https://preview.redd.it/k9itfkgxykzg1.jpg?width=900&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fbfc9e85135e416db9237a2ec0b64150aaade9d3

For v2 I've ordered a bunch of fabric samples — Hypalon, X-Pac, Cordura, Robic, Ecopak — to find the right combination of weather resistance and abrasion protection for something that lives on a motorcycle. I know I want Hypalon for the front facing panel and webbing for that durability. I also bought a Fidlock sample pack because I love magnets. They make operation so easy especially with gloves.

Oh also, I have no idea what I'm doing! I had one sewing class in my life and this is my first real sewing project. So I'm really trying to learn as much about sewing, fabrics, everything as I can.

I'm documenting the whole build process on my website as I go. Material tests, prototype iterations, what failed and why. But I'm posting here too coz I'm looking for community feedback. Open to feedback on the concept, the mechanism, the material choices, or anything else. If you commute by motorcycle and have opinions about what's missing from every bag you've tried, I genuinely would love to hear it.

Here's a short video for a better understanding:
https://youtube.com/shorts/kZE3MkufUzc