u/Weekly_Bag_1605

I went through like a kundalini awakening more so a repair kind of feeling than like a awakening. It felt like it came to help me heal my traumas more than a awakening kind of feeling.. I felt energy flow from bottom of spine to near the top of head. It stopped at the behind of my head almost. I had horrible anxiety and vertigo after that. The vertigo was there before too. I had been through so much in life . And the stress caused weird floating like sensations ( gravitational pull or going a bit below the floor and coming back ). It was weird. Had it for like 2 yrs. It was horrible. Also started having extreme fear of spontaneous kriyas. It's reduced but still there. I do want a guru / guide but finding hard to find one. I feel without a guide I can overdo healing. I tend to overdo things. I don't know. Life's hard and this kundalini thing is scaring me and feel it's making things worse.

I tried to find teachers / guides. Because after I went through scary anxiety and vertigo after a kundalini awakening. One of the persons I wanted to be my guru wanted to charge around 333$ for a single 1 to 1 session. I can't afford that. But seems to be knowing more and felt like a compassionate person at first. Another lady told me my kundalini awakening wasn't kundalini awakening but a pranic flow. I do need a guide . I don't want to make the mistake gopikrishna did. He said his kundalini went into the pingala channel. I didn't read his entire book. But read snippets which felt scary. I know God himself is enough sometimes. But I tend to overdo things like overdoing prayer, journaling etc for a quick fix to life's problems. I am like that. So I need a guide. Probably use this space. But low on karma now I think. I also had so much fear on spontaneous kriyas occurring. The fear was very much. It has reduced to an extent but still there. I don't know if I will experience spontaneous kriyas but the fear is there. Someone said becoming satvik is important and kundalini awakening will be easy if satvik. I agree but I forget that, when life throws hard stuff at me. I get angry easily. Why is it hard to find a guide . Guru is another level search.

I am 36 F from India. I am looking for secure attachment penpals. I am on a healing journey to heal my attachment wounds. I need penpals with secure attachment style because doctors ask to try that. Who have done or close to complete healing.

I don't like messaging or mailing often though I want to. I thought it would be easy finding and making friends. But it's not. I don't have any preference on the age or gender or other things.

Just someone I can be a penpal with.

I think emailing once a week will be enough.

I hope I get DMs from the kind of people I need.

I see you as a kid who suffered.But you keep hurting me knowingly or unknowingly. You listen to people telling you to do stupid things. And you listen to those dumb people I think. Yeah someone gave me the idea to vent things out. So using it. Also reminded by a recommended post.

I want to hurt you in return but don't want to. I am trying to change but you won't let me it seems. As though I want to be in this situation with you. I am trying to take things slowly but you keep hurting me. I wish I could say it's ok but I am not able to. You know things that happened to me. But I don't know why you behave like this even after knowing everything. I don't know how I am going to manage.

I need advice too ( if I need ) and hugs too maybe.

I have gone through so much.

And I watched stuff that said stuff like be independent, etc.

It fucked me up very much.

Though some people told me to go to therapy.

I didn't listen.

I kept postponing until I went through so much, I decided being independent was enough and trying therapy now.

I wish I got the support I needed during difficult times.

I became hype independent after I went through a lot.

Don't talk to people that much too.

Though I want to.

But it feels like too much effort at the moment.

The topic is friends. So I had to add the flair.

I am trying to find friends. It's not easy tho.

Why is it so hard to find friends as an adult.

I have had negative experiences with people before.

So I am trying to be careful.

But good people do exist.

But why is it hard?

Why do people ghost?

Why do people ignore?

They write long posts and all but don't give a shit.

I know my karma is low.

But they could have tried to have a conversation.

If they felt uncomfortable or like a scammer they have the right to ignore.

But why?

I am trying to figure things out.

I need friends.

Atleast one good friend who will be there for me.

I want to have beautiful memories.

I spent most of my life till now searching for stuff I shouldn't have

Took things too seriously etc.

But while I try to heal.and let go.

I don't have support.

Idk.

I am tired of trying but don't want to give up.too.

I am new christian.

Soooo many confusing things out here.

I was venting to one friend how it was difficult to find genuine christian friends and he recommended this subreddit.

Idk if it's the right place since I can't find any asking for friends posts and the recent ones.

It's a bit lonely to walk the path alone.

So much leveling up is happening in my life but it does get lonely.

Didn't really get a good partner too.

Have been unfortunate in many ways.

But I want good friends atleast online

I currently have vertigo and taking medicine for that, so can't go out that often.

It does help me when I talk/ chat with the right people.

It not just diversion but the conversations bring joy.

To be able to talk to someone and be talked to is a gift I think

It's a privilege.

According to me.

Not to be taken lightly.

I was put down many times by my parents and abandoned and things.

So healing my childhood trauma.

It's hard tho.

I do have a pen pal and the friend tho.

But the friend and I are not that close

But he says he'll help

I want someone who will stick with me.

It's not easy finding good ones online.

Did dedicate my life to God for years.

Not bragging or any thing

But it does get bad before getting good I guess.

These past years very very hard.

This year too.

Especially last month.

So saying.

I am in my 30s from India.

Idk.

Just want to post it.

Not expecting anything.

What happens happens.

Also found it difficult to open up.

As I heal more able to do bit by bit.