The two biggest issues with this
Some posted a really good substack in r/polycritical about why they felt being poly was a net negative for society. Among the three reasons (most people can’t just stop being jealous, no standard norm, more people means more conflict) two resonated with me. I think these are just the main issues I have with it boiled down.
Ive talked about it in comments of other posts, but the fact that most people cannot just stop feeling jealousy, rejection, or some other kind of emotional pain or distress at their partner being with someone else. Especially when it’s not just sex, when love and the possibility of another full on relationship gets involved, it’s a lot worse.
>“ I have an emotion spreadsheet I’ve filled out nearly every day for the last 7 years. I'm pretty good at optimizing my emotions.
And that was my downfall. I just couldn’t admit to myself that I couldn’t change this part of me. After all, I’d read Ethical Slut and More Than Two and they’re full of stories saying “I used to be like you. But I just worked on being a more confident person and trusting my partner and did some CBT, and now I have compersion!” And that just seemed so much more enlightened. If they can do it, surely I can too. But the thing is, most people can’t.””
From the substack. The author was talking about how she had to deal with her emotions for the 7 years she was poly. A spreadsheet of emotions, therapy, books on top of books. She goes on to say she spent a lot of time crying alone when her partners were with other partners, and then feeling shame that she hadn’t worked on herself enough to feel “compersion.”
There is SO MUCH pressure and shaming to just ignore how much it hurts and act like normal emotional reactions to your partner being with someone else are unnatural problems that need to be worked through. As the quote says “I couldnt admit to myself that I couldn’t change this part of me.”
Most people can’t and they should not have to!
It pisses me off a lot how much the poly community tries to shame normal feelings of hurt and act like it’s progressive. They posture about love being equal and (I heard from my ex) “You’re enough! I will always come home to you!”
The substack also says it’s easy to promise not to leave when there’s nobody to leave to. But once there is someone else, watch it fall apart.
The second point is there’s no standard expectations or norms. Nobody has a set of expectations that extends across the community as a social norm. Everyone is doing it differently, sometimes with each person being different within a polycule. Sarah is open but her boyfriend has two other partners in a throuple but he wants to have sex outside of the three and one of them is mad he’s sleeping with Sarah and Sarah’s husband is seeing Lynn on the side but Lynn wants more time with him and...
Does anybody even fucking know what they’re doing on any given day?
I said this in my no true Scotsmen thread, but is always saying what poly isn’t, but can’t seem to define what it is, because everyone is doing something different. There’s just no baseline norms. And because there’s no baseline norms, there’s nothing to fall back on when you’re hurt. Just more bs about “working through your feelings.”
These two things really underline my main problems. Monogamy can come with its own challenges but at least there’s a baseline for normal expectations and you’re not told to shove down your feelings if your partner fucks someone else (in healthy spaces at leas.)