When I dream and the shadow becomes too aggresive and/or horrific, I have in the last 14 years personify myself as Him (the God Emperor of Mankind) and purge the demons, saving people from it in the process.
It feels very cool. ^_^
Though when the shadow is milder, it usually turns to jing-jang symbolism and I've integrated a lot.
Larp: [Denmark] Krigslive
Lots more pictures on their facebook from the events: https://www.facebook.com/KrigsliveDK
Out of respect for privacy and GDPR, people's faces which are clear and recognizable enough, have been censured. Though all pictures are publicly available on Krigslive facebook page.
Photo taken by the best Larp photografer I've ever: Rekografia ( Rekografia | Facebook )
No more self oppression=Evil autism and ADHD
Art lended:
How Drawing Helps Me Express the Loneliness and Alienation I Feel | The Art of Autism
AuDHD symbols : r/AutisticWithADHD
Song used:
YE - FATHER (feat. TRAVIS SCOTT)
Kick starts my PDA and internalised narrative of being unloveable. Being 26 and having turned down every romantic interest and it feels so fucking lonely.
I’ve reached a point of accepting myself through group therapy with other neurodivergent people. I am slowly getting over my past traumas and stopping the cycle of tyrannizing myself—constantly watching, judging, and regretting not trying all the things I wanted to do. I no longer lambast myself whenever I do the smallest thing wrong.
Part of this process is allowing myself to feel and express what I feel, so people know when they cross my boundaries or when I feel strongly about a subject.
But this has caused some new clashes. I bring a certain humor and behavior to settings where they don’t fit, which embarrasses the people who paid for us to be there.
At other times, I face unreasonable limits on my creative output. No matter how many logical arguments I present, the person in charge simply won’t let me complete my project. Having my freedom limited is very hard for me, especially when it’s something I’m passionate about and I can find no sound argument against the project, other than it’s about something emotional for the person in charge. If they were my friend, I could discuss it with them, and we could understand each other better. Instead, it’s a situation where they themselves don’t even know where the feeling is coming from. It’s as if I’m talking to an emotion rather than a person. It triggers my PDA, and all I want is to pack up and leave. But I can’t do that without leaving behind many good things and losing potential networks that are important to my career.
I have a fundamental need to be allowed to exist and occupy the space I have. There are many qualities that people love about me. But they will have to accept the good with the bad. They can’t have the good without the bad; otherwise, my mental health declines, and I won’t sacrifice myself for others like that again. It will k me over time if I do that again.
What do you think? Can you relate? I would really like to know how others experience this.
I’ve accepted that part of me is just difficult sometimes, and it isn’t fair that only other people are allowed to have both the good and the bad. It would still be nice to hear what experiences other people have had.
I've been doing a lot of work on trying to get to know myself this last year and I've attended a lot of group sessions. Both with solely autism, solely ADHD and at the last with AuDHD'ers.
It has brought a lot of breakthroughs, but I am falling in the trap of interlectualizing a lot.
In any case, I became overwhelmed today and when I started to settle down and just try be with my emotions instead of scrolling YouTube and distracting myself, I almost had a panic attack.
I've seen and heard that crying is a good way of releasing pent up frustration and integrating emotions. But the only time I've been able to cry, is either with a panic attack, watching a certain scene in a film or deeply relating and feeling the pain of another.
It has been like this since I was 14 and got told to stop being burdensom by family members for coming to them crying at night, when I finally felt relaxed and safe enough to feel stuff again (probably after overwhelm as well).
Went to college and got bullied, which emotionally hardened me even further.
My PDA also gets triggered when I start to feel vulnerable. I am starting to try at least let actual love in, and not just letting a role take it. But my PDA goes haywire when I do it, so it's really challenging. But I think trying and physically be present in it, will slowly let my nervous system/limbic system recalibrate.
I just wanted to know if anyone else has difficulties letting yourself feel vulnerable? How did you learn it? Or are you fighting with somewhat the same thing?
Did any of you relearn how to cry?
It would help a lot to know...
Thank you in advance.