u/Whole_Lecture_3110

So I tought only old people do groceries in the morning but I am 100 times more overstimulated now I notice I do groceries after the schools are finished. I am in the luxury position to go whenever I want because I am ill and can't work atm.

Supermarkets are a warzone, running screaming kids everywhere.

Yesterday I got followed around trough the supermarket by 8/9 year old boys shooting water on me with a watergun it was very scary even, they were hunting me like a prey.

Hello fellow introverts, love ya all!

So I am working the 12 step Narcotic Anonymous program for addiction issues.

A part of this program is giving your phone number to fellow addicts and call a couple of them daily is recommended.

I can't call for help because I learned as a child to do everything alone. I am learning to change that.

But my biggest problem is to have daily or even often whenever if not daily, phone contact to socialize. Those people I gave my number call me unexpected and I cant pick up.

I am in my own introverted head space and when I receive a call, I dont know if I pick up if that person just want to chat for a few minutes, but it could also be that they are a very bad emotional state and I have to give support for 1 hour+ call.

I am totally burned out with listening fatique because I listened for 33 years to other people mostly. Its a boundary issue I also see.

Also if you almost relapse you have to call someone and they dont pick up, you have to call another one and another one till one pick up. So all these people call you back over the next days and I am severe stress not relaxing because I know any moment those calls come in. So I keep relapsing because I don't call in those moments.

It looks that program is made for extroverts.

I want to try to make calling appointments and I only save other people numbers instead sharing mine so I first look in meetings if people also seem introverted. But I hate calling so much and prefer to just skip it and accept I cant do unexpected calls at this moment in my life. I am just too burned out to give support. Even to burned out for most socializing. And lots of people there are very toxic and they notice I am a good listener so everyone wants my attention.

Last week again I asked someone 1 question about a shared interest by text and said I dont like phone calls and that person assumed I am anxious and started to call me to try to help me and texted me " I dont bite". And I feel so defeated living in this extroverted world. I am scared, to get burned out by their talking and not really listening to me. My trauma response is being a very good listener en people take adventage of it and I am now in the transistion period of healing were I mostly like to be alone and go to set up events so I am in groups not 1 on 1 and were there are set up time limits.

I found an amazing sponsor btw were I really scanned for someone also avoidant as me that doesnt overtalk lol. My biggest fear for getting a sponsor was one that would use me as her free venting therapist to talk at.

Im curious if any of you here follow meetings and how you handle the phone part.

So I am angry. Have to vent.

When I first took buproprion I was very suicidal so desperate and willing to try it.

After 1 week I said to psych it felt too much for me of I could get a lower dose, she said they dont make lower dose. Its normal dose and even 300 mg is recommended she said. I told her if there was half like 75mg xl it would be perfect for me. It was not possible.

But I was desperate stayed on it for 2 months. Now i had to quit it 5 days ago because I got tinnitus it is still not gone.

​

All those meds are tested on men not on women suddenly this clicked my brain.

I am so angry I never want to see her again. I understand she also just trying to do her job but I didnt feel taking serious maybe this tinnitus doesnt go away I am so scared.

​

I am also still on fluoxitine only 5 mg it took a year of big pain to taper down from 10 mg. They wanted to put me on 20 mg thankfully I never did that and stopped at 10mg. Now she tries to higher my dose of fluoxitine I said never again. I want to fully quit all psych meds. I am also a drug addict and psych meds gave me more scary health problems than street drugs ever did.

Edit: I am so sorry for men on 150 mg xl that also got tinnitus I understand now that also happens so I dont wanted to make a wrong assumption with that.

I quit the meds 3 days ago but T is still same

My mental health was already bad but now I cant function i am scared it doesnt go away.

The doctor didnt do anything because i have addiction issues, I called them again today waiting for their phone call.

​

Tuesday I got so insane and relapsed on kratom now I am clean 1 day but I cant deal with it but using substances is also bad idea for me I was doing so well in my recovery when this happened (clean 3 weeks).

​

I need some kind words or something. I feel ashamed talking about health issues.

​

​

My doctor wont prescribe me something to calm me down.

I have now tinnitus 3 days from buproprion and I get so insane I started to self harm yesterday and I want to punch my head against the wall.

Because I have addiction issues my doctor wont prescribe me something to calm me down.

I am clean 3 weeks but I feel like relapsing today and go back to self medicating.

I want to switch doctor now.

Did you get anything from your doctor?

They gashlight me its not bad but if it doesnt go away its life changing bad music is my passion and my mental health is already suicidal level bad.

Today is LO their birthday. Offcourse they are a gemini my favorite zodiac sign. I am a leo. I fall way to hard for gems.

We are in same friend group and they texted happy birthday to another friend that has the same birthday as LO. I am now holding myself in to not say also happy birthday to you LO because I know you and friend have the same day. Probably I am the only one that remembers. I know how it sucks people dont remember your birthday. But its NOT my task. I have to be strong.

I want to put LO in the spotlight so 200 people see its their birthday and they get many messages. But LO is a very popular person and I look obsessed if I say that because I also barely talk there anymore atm. Its not my task. It feels LO is hoping someone also congrats them.

I could also send private happy birthday but thats even more lame. I got ignored now for months and it makes sense I sended a lot of paragraps bullshit kinda talk to them like its my dairy sometimes.

I use it as a way to create intimacy and a bond and I know its fucked up manipulative but I know it worked and LO must have loved it to get attention. They said I could always talk to them. They said they wanted to be friends and like me a lot for how weird I am. But LO is lost in their own mental health. I dont want to keep sending stuff not overwhelm them anymore. I am finally quiet for months now and it feels powerful. I hope they will wonder how I am doing.

I am now learning myself lucid dreaming I quit smoking weed and my dreams get back and I already start to dream about LO just a few days practise. I want to dream about them. I dreamed about their birthday last night.

I know for many here its torture the dreams but I love to be able to see them in my dreams. I used to see them in real life every week sometimes more and now its been like a year ago. Its torture. I love them already for 3+ years its the strongest limerence of my life.

It helps to write it out I feel very safe and understand by all of you here thanks for not feeling like im just a shameful obsessed stalker.

I am doing very well now I am clean and get my life back in order and all thanks to LO because I use my humilation and shame to them to change my life.

It's a weird life force energy, I put all that love to myself now.

Day 5. Back into the game. So proud. I was clean 5 months last year and than had a couple months relapse. Now, I am having a plan, write my triggers down, follow meetings online. I learned a lot in rehab last year about addiction and how dopamine works.

It scared the fuck out of me. I see how serious this disease is and it will be a lifelong fight.

I am mourning being an addict.

I love how relapse can learn you so much and expanding knowledge about yourself and finding strength in the immense pain of having to start over. It has made me stronger and very dedicated this time. I am bored of the endless long same days in and out of just me and weed and never doing new stuff anymore. My new life chapter has started.

But the sunny weather today is KILLING me.

So I hide indoors..

I dont want to see other people smoke in the parks, it makes me jealous.

Its fine, have to be careful and kind to myself.

Its a slow process to learn to associate sunny weather not with smoking anymore.

I hope I have the courage to get a very good quality icecream soon :). After eight is my favorite flavour and I did not had that for YEARS. (Just cheap shitty supermarket icecream, because smoking weed = being always broke.

How do you all cope with the good weather?