u/WindhoverInkwell

(uj/ Look up the Gilbert and Sullivan song of the same name and sing along to it)

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found

I’ve got a little list- I’ve got a little list!

Of offenders most cisgender who might well be underground,

And who never would be missed- who never would be missed!

There’s the transfem-hating femboy who can only whine and grouse

The “AFAB-only” HOA denying girls a house

The “progressive” who thinks the point of the word “egg”’s to groom

The TERF who sees a trans guy as a walking talking womb

And every countwithchickenlady transmisogynist;

They none of ‘em be missed- they’d none of ‘em be missed!

She’s got em on the list, she’s got em on the list

And they’d none of them be missed- they’d none of them be missed

There’s the Mail propagandist, and the Telegraph as well,

And the Guardian columnist- I’ve got them on the list!

The religious nutter who proclaims the transes go to hell

They never would be missed- they never would be missed!

The cis bisexual who proclaims “of both worlds they’re the best”

The chaser who abhors his boyfriend’s newly flattened chest

The leftist who proclaims “transgenders are a losing issue”

The “both sides” centrist whose conviction’s soft as toilet tissue

And each and every LGB Alliance activist-

I don’t think they’d be missed- I’m sure they’d not be missed!

Yes she’s got them on the list- she’s got them on the list

And I don’t think they’ll be missed- I’m sure they’ll not be missed!

The CuratedTumblr user who thinks every form of hate

Is actually misandrist- I’ve got him on the list!

Those creeps who see us solely as a way to masturbate

They’d none of them be missed- they’d none of them be missed!

The lawmakers who aim to kill a million trans kids

The sloptubers who sow hatred for more views on their vids

The “this affects REAL people too!” cis allies that you see

All politicians of Reform, One Nation, GOP

And EVERY LAST INCOMPETENT ENDOCRINOLOGIST…

For they’d none of them be missed- they’d none of them be missed!

So put them on the list- just put them on the list

And they’d none of them be missed- no they’d none of them be missed.

WES STREETING VS HILLARY CASS… GO!

WES:

Remember Starmer’s pet weasel? Yeah he’s relevant again

And guess what bitch? He’s gunning for the Big 10

You can’t expect to be showered with titles and awards

When your fat arse is just lounging in the House of Lords

You think your “estrogen bad” review’s some kinda twink-Death Note?

It’s just Raymond and Blanchard’s old shit in a trenchcoat

You need the new generation- Forstater and Joyce

And Real Ameri- (I mean, fossil fuel industry)’s voice

Comparing me and you is like 4K and 64-bit

You couldn’t astroturf- I sent TERF careers to orbit

And your “exploratory therapy”? Grow a spine, bitch!

Where I come from that’s Bayswater under the bridge!

I got the power, got the backers, got my eyes on the throne

Call you Cass-andra the Oracle- ignored and alone

So better bow and kiss the ring, Hil, before our next meeting

Or you’ll be sweeping up the cat shit at 10 Downing Streeting!

CASS:

Health Secretary wishing me toxoplasmosis?

Does he think I’ll end up sicker than his dire flow is?

You dumb little weasel- thought you Bucked the trend

Musta led a sheltered life that my fire will end

You can’t break tranner hearts properly ‘f you don’t do it yourself

Put on a lab coat and goggles- thought ya field was health?

My science is lauded by bigots round the globe

When in the UK be a transphobe to get that Lords robe!

You’re just another talking head- Kellie Jay Not-So Keen

And that leadership bid? Like that’ll ever be seen

So let me take a West Sledgehammer to you while you’re there

No one likes you, Wes, and I don’t fucking care.

Wes:

This weasel’s gonna sniff you out, lab rat

I could lead the country- compare your peerage to THAT

“It was the day of her life when Cass was lauded a hero-“

Cass:

“But for Wes, it was Wednesday?” checks out- you’re a ZERO!

I am the Chief Trannγ Killer in these drizzly lands!

I got the blood of hundreds of trans kids on my hands!

Just another boring politician I blew right past

All life’s a stage, Wesley, and you’ve been re-cassed!

WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!!!

After a while, they see a deer.

The first statistician aims, fires, misses, and hits a tree five meters to the left of the deer.

The second statistician aims, fires, misses, and hits a rock five meters to the right of the deer.

And the third statistician shouts “We got him!”

(Trans-ported! is a movie where a trans girl is accidentally sent back in time to the 90s and has to complete her school year there. It’s a laugh-out-loud comedy that crosses every line!)

A bell rings. Students begin spilling into the corridors to head to the lunch room.

Lily (trans girl): Damn, that math test really took it outta me. You do alright, Clara?

Clara (cis girl who knows Lily is from the future and trans): Oh yeah. Math is a breeze. Strange that you didn’t do so well tho, what with your… you know… thing.

Lily: What thing?

Clara: You know. The whole “being born a man” thing. Guess that your math scores crashing means that you really did transition into a woman, heh.

Lily: But… you did well?

Clara: I’m pretty, so I can do anything, babe. Anyway, I gotta use the bathroom.

Lily goes to enter with her but Clara stops her

Clara: Oh no you don’t. I can see why they banned you from the bathrooms in the future. You stink up the place like an atom bomb made of dookies.

Lily is idly hanging about when she spots the biggest jock of all bullying a scrawny nerd.

Jock: Hey, gimme ur lunch money, f4ggot.

Nerd hands it over reluctantly.

Jock: Six dollars? Six? Seven! My tax for ugly bug-eyed little Brits is seven dollars! Now you pay me the extra or I bash your face in!

Nerd (through gritted teeth): One day you piece of shit is gonna get what’s coming.

Jock (snorts): Yeah, and one day your stupid dad’s soccer team that he waves all those little gay flags for is gonna be champion of the league. Leistchester or whatever backwater little shithole.

Lily decides to intervene.

Lily: Hey! Stop with the cockfight, you two.

Jock: What, you got a bigger one or something, girlie?

Lily (under her breath): Fucking hope so.

Jock: I don’t want no girls interfering with my business. You should be cookin and cleanin.

Lily: Well in the future you’ll be doin that shit and we’ll be climbing the corporate ladder, fuckhead. Now put him down.

Pause here, to allow the audience to lament the rampant misandry in society nowadays

Jock (dropping the nerd): Alright. Fuck off, f4g.

He squares up to Lily.

Jock: You know, I’m not above bashing girls, now that I think about it.

Lily: Oh yeah? My dad is in the school board. He’ll have you kicked out in no time.

Jock: My dad’s a stock billionaire in New York and he’ll buy up your dad’s house and kick YOU out.

Lily (thinking fast): Ok, you know what? Let’s fight. But not now. Let’s say… three years from this time tomorrow, when we’re buffed up college students. We can even hold it at your dad’s fancy offices, wherever the money markets in New York are.

Jock: You? You don’t have the muscle, or the bone density, or anything. You’re just a scrawny female.

Lily (under her breath again): Zero from two.

Jock: Oh boy, this is ON. Three years from now. At my dad’s offices in New York. I’ll beat ya to a pulp in front of hi-

The incredibly strict principal enters.

Principal: Any violence here, Brayden?

Jock: N-no. Lily and I were… happily conversing.

He scurries away from Lily. Clara exits the bathroom and sees him running.

Clara: Was that Brayden? He’s a coward.

Lily: Yeah, he’s a chicken jock, eh?

Clara: Aw, forget him. You coming to the dance tonight? Best not let any guys get near ya on account of your… thing, but you’d look moderately pretty as one of my girl gang in a sparkly dress.

The two move off down the corridor, and the camera pans to focus on a poster that says “JEROME HORWITZ HIGH SCHOOL DANCE- SEPTEMBER 10, 1998”

End scene.