u/WinterDemon_

Sorry about pronouns, we have DID

Optional context (descriptions of abuse) - >!we were sexually abused through most of our childhood, including numerous years of trafficking. During that time, I can barely begin to describe the sheer number of awful things done to us. We were drowned, drugged, burned. Tortured more times, by more people, and in more places than we can even remember. Had weapons, living and dead animals, bugs/spiders, chemicals and more used on us. All the while being filmed, sleep deprived and forced to follow a long list of ridiculous rules to remove any trace of our humanity!<

I don't know how to live with this. Any of it. It's all so bad and the memories of it are constantly in our head. I don't want to live with it for the rest of my life. It hurts all the time, the bad feelings never go away. All I want (and all we've ever wanted) is for everything to stop hurting

We're trying a new therapist, but can't afford to see her more than twice a month right now. We have no real support (apart from a couple subreddits like this one, which are very hit-or-miss). No friends or other positive relationships, and don't even really want any right now, because people are scary and cruel and it's exhausting to constantly perform just for the chance to make people to be kind to us. We're on the max amount of meds we can currently have without getting sick. Even drinking doesn't help, and no other substances are legal here

How do you make it go away without dying?

Before anyone comments and says I'm evil and being cruel to my friends and loved ones, I don't have any, so piss off

Tw, mentions of: csa, trafficking, violence, basically every kind of abuse, suicide

I don't fucking get it. I *hate* people, I hate interacting with them, I hate every part of it. Yet no matter what I do, there's still this stupid tiny part of me that won't shut up that just wants to be loved

People suck! They're cruel and violent and sadistic to people they hate, and the only way to get out of that category is the constant exhausting performance to earn their tolerance! I wish I could be happy and healthy never interacting again, but I can't, because I'm still just as fucking miserable by myself!

I don't even get why people talk to each other outside of that. I mean, I get it in some ways, people keep each other around because they're useful or attractive, or out of social obligation, I understand that. But it doesn't make me like it any more!

Every moment I'm around other people is all one big miserable stageplay where I have no script but am expected to play the main role anyway, and if I fail, I get raped and beaten to death on stage. Just like every other fucking performance in my life, with the same fucking ending every time, except at least they kept me alive cause I had some fucking use

I hate it. I wish I didn't need people, and didn't have to spend my entire fucking life clinging to pedophiles and my own traffickers just cause no one else was willing to put up with me. I wish I didn't still want to go back to them now cause I'm still fucking alone. I wish I could be happy alone, or if that's impossible, at least had the guts to kill myself properly

Just want to get this out and see if anyone else can relate. Usually I like advice but I really don't want it right now, I'm tired of being told all the ways I'm a fuck-up and need to change. I know that shit already, I'm already trying to change and most of it isn't fucking working

It's been one of the few constants of my entire life. No matter where I go, who I talk to, or how I act, I am incorrect by default. Everything I say or do is assumed to be wrong unless proven otherwise

If I talk about my experiences, I'm "misremembering" or "misinterpreting" or whatever other way to say it didn't really happen. About my trauma history, or about literally anything that happened

If I talk about my emotions and opinions, I'm still wrong. Maybe in an understandable, pitiable way, but wrong regardless. I'm too attached to the past, too dramatic, causing my own problems, making a big deal out of nothing, or whatever else

If I talk about basic fucking facts, I'm still somehow wrong. "Kestrels are birds of prey", "are you sure? I don't think that's right, I should google it"

Everything I say is taken with a grain of salt, or a mountain of it. I try not to open my mouth at all anymore unless I can prove it with proper evidence, because I know I won't be believed otherwise. And people say "just find better company" but I've tried, the same thing happens no matter what I do!

Occasionally people are a little nicer about it. They still think I'm wrong, but in a correctable way. "You're wrong, but I understand why, let me steer you in the correct direction". But those 'corrections' still never fucking work. The closest I can get to it is adding another layer onto the mask I keep up constantly

Even my counselor, my lovely sweet counselor who is the one person I know who hasn't done this to me, barely understood what the hell I was talking about. Because surely it can't be everyone I've known? * Surely if all those people agree that I'm a crazy delusional dumbass, and all independently came to that same conclusion, there must be some truth to it? Surely I'm contributing to it somehow, making people treat me like this, because why else would it keep happening?

*(she was nice enough not to say that stuff herself, that's just what everyone else says the few times I've tried to bring it up)

Am I really that much of a fucking waste? Should I just get used to it and learn to shut up? At least if people think I'm stupid, they occasionally keep me around as entertainment instead of leaving me completely isolated. And I've tried changing every-fucking-thing about myself, most of the biggest roadblocks are permanent conditions I can only try to hide and make up for, so what? I'm just fucked? Why am I even still alive then?????