u/WinterDemon_

do i know that most people have literally never been personally involved with a cult before and also had no interaction with torture? of course

but still, that shouldn't make it fair to say shitty things and insults. it shouldn't be fair for people to be totally happy not understanding me, but im an evil subhuman freak for not understanding them. idk why it can't just be left as "we don't understand each other and thats okay"

screw you mr Owner you should've at least given me a cut of the money!!!!!

(tw death) >!i got to be #1 for a few years but honestly i'd much rather have my friend back and still be in second place, life was way nicer like that, and even if it wasn't nicer she was still worth it!<

(no im not being mean with the hell part, she used to make a lot of jokes about us both going to hell for disobeying tons of the cult's/our traffickers' rules and honestly it sounds kinda rad and anywhere with her is good to me so yeah)

i finally did shit! actually started sending forms and stuff! still a long process but progress is progress! :D very much hoping i qualify but its gonna be up to the doctors opinions in the end

like YES EXACTLY being surrounded by a bunch of weird ugly terrifying familiar-ish creatures that do random violent and painful things all the time but you also cant really blame them for it cause most of them arent doing it deliberately cause thats just in their nature but theyre still hurting you so you still dont like them and hate yourself for resembling them and any time you have to go out and be near them its like a life-or-death situation but if you actually get scared and treat it like its life-threatening then people will call you a crazy loser coward for it so you just have to suck it up and do it anyway and hope the next time one tries to kill you that you'll be strong/smart/fast enough to survive and escape

"oh youre being dramatic no one does that human beings are wonderful" i have literally >!watched a person i loved be killed and eaten among the almost-ten-years of torture i experienced!<, so yes actually i am going to use the fictional cannibalism show as a more socially acceptable metaphor

(tw: >!cults, trafficking, csa, csam discussion, death!<)

it wouldn't have been a good thing but I think about it a lot, cause I was supposed to be married by now! >!Mari was meant to be my maid of honour if she survived, and i would've invited the boy I used to film with if he was still around, and the couple of really nice clients including the nice dealer! and my family probably wouldnt be allowed but I wouldve asked to have my sisters anyway!<

>!and everyone talked about it a lot, cause my owner had been single for aaaages and so they were excited for him to finally get married once i was old enough to do it legally! and cause that meant i'd get to be a person and be considered a real member! and Mari and I would have kids at the same time, and raise them together in the church, and since there would be two of us we could always have one of us watching to make sure none of them got sold or hurt like we did!!!<

>!except that was never gonna happen, cause my owner promised me that it wouldn't, and that he'd kill me before then. which is a nice thing cause I asked him to and he knew i'd much much rather be dead than married, but also kinda hurts. cause I know he didnt want to marry me at all, and he didnt, even when he left me alive he still moved away to make sure it didnt happen. am I really that bad? i knew i wasn't worth marrying but i thought at least i was worth killing, not just leaving!<

(tws for the following: >!death, animal abuse, animal death, torture, extreme abuse!<)

>!all of the animals that were killed because of me and in front of me, all the ones that died inside me, my own best friend dying right in arms reach and i didnt even fucking do anything. and its not like i can do anything to make it better or fix it or even just ask for forgiveness because theyre all fucking dead!<

god im such a horrible person. horrible not-person. i dont fucking know

like im not gonna start hating someone just cause they helped torture me a couple times, it really depends more on the intent behind their actions. my best friend from back then hurt me plenty of times and I still love her to bits cause I know she wasn't actually trying to

i talk to a couple of my therapists about totally regular stuff and they go "oh no that's awful i can't believe it I'm so sorry" and I'm like bestie what are you talking about, i didn't even come close to dying that time, why would I waste my energy getting upset over every little thing like people insulting me or refusing to help me when that's just everyday shit

i know other people get upset over that stuff and I can respect that even if it makes no sense to me but still

he hie i finally have 1.5 professionals who take me somewhat seriously and it's kinda funny seeing how freaked out they get whenever i talk to them about stuff. like what do you meeeean it's not normal for people to treat you worse than an animal when they're mad at you? my best friend used to yell at me and hit me whenever she was mad and i still loved her so so so so so much before she died, that's just how human beings are, nasty evil horrible creatures that are kinda nice sometimes on rare occasions just enough to make you love them before they go back to being bad. and my best friend was one of the best i've ever met! she's like... #3 best and nicest and sweetest person i've met in my whole life!

i am trying ONE more therapist. if this one is a fail too, i think i'm officially done with it

>!&#x200B;!<

like ew human interactions suck, why would you do that deliberately???? if I find something I enjoy i keep that shit to MYSELF, sharing nice things with other people just means watching them ruin it and then get mad at you for not pampering them enough while they do it

lol still trying to figure out how to explain my euthanasia plans to my fav therapist in a way that won't have her drop me as a client. like girlie i still appreciate you and want to keep seeing you until then! i still have to take care of my cat until her clock runs out first lmao

(and for the sake of getting ahead of comments: yes i'm thinking rationally and have good reasons behind this, i have permanent damage to my mind and body as a result of years of extreme sadistic ritualistic abuse, no it's not immediate cause i still need to get through all the application and qualifying and payment stuff, no i don't have any real support system outside of this therapist so i'm not willing to lose her, no i don't want to connect with more/other people and have more support, and no i can't do most kinds of trauma work so don't even bother.
i'll probably still get called a crazy attention-seeker anyway and i don't actually care but might as well put that out there first lol)

cause like sure people all exist on a spectrum and good/bad are incredibly subjective and i'm very far from perfect myself of course. but also from my experience 99.99999999% people tend to vary on that spectrum between "bad" and "holy mega shitballs bad"

sure i'm biased because yay cult background and years of ritualistic torture (and plenty worse) but still!!! even the normal folks i knew weren't better! i still saw between dozens and hundreds of normal non-cult clients! ive interacted with a ton of people and the vast majority all go the same way! people are the worst! other animals suck too but humans especially have enough power to make their sucking happen in particularly violent and horrible ways!

except the rare one-in-a-million that just throws out the whole system! and makes me hate life even more cause now stuff doesn't make any sense! like even one of my current therapists (and my longest-term one) who is so nice it actually drives me crazy cause she simply cannot be human, there's no way, it's impossible!!!!

it means nothing that my entire life is a string of bad luck and that since reaching out to this person i've also been in a car crash, injured myself twice and made a major re-discovery about my worst traumas all in the span of a few weeks

that means nothing i didn't ruin their life and curse them too it's fine everything is fine

(tw: death, brief description of abuse)

>!between the years of torture and one of them getting fucking killed!<, ONE person being guilty is far too little, but it seems to be all that any of us are going to get in repayment even if i have to do this shit myself

i miss those other kids they were so cool