u/WolverineEqual5941

All I do these days is listen to music, and if I'm not doing that, you'll find me sleeping for sure. Idk what's happening to me. I feel irritable all the time, and l absolutely hate people telling me to just be positive?! Bruh, l live my life, l know how helpless I feel, and l hate you for thinking that I'm choosing to be this way!!

Anyway, yesterday I was feeling a bit like myself so I wanted to journal, but then I got carried away and started writing something else. The whole day, I was glued to my screen, barely listening to any music. I was hyperfixated on the piece I was writing. At the end, l was like yep this is my best work without a doubt.

Cut to today.. I open my laptop and see the buffoonary l had written, and oh my god, I hated myself so much. That bit was absolutely trash, just baseless verbosity. Subah se I've been feeling pretty low and rn, guess what I'm onto? Music, ofc!! Just a rant.. there's nothing in here too ik.

Made a post on RecluseIndia just copy pasting bc reposting isn't allowed here:

I did make a post here a couple of days ago... deleted it tho bc it felt exposing (idk SA things ig) it was about how I just don't eat bc I can't go out to buy food on my own.

So a major aspect of my life is SA (at this point let's just say the only aspect lol) and no I don't need people telling me what to do abt it.. bc trust me I've done it all!.. Final verdict isss.. I'm sick!! Period.

Still if u wanna give any advice.. go ahead but plz know that I've prolly heard a hundred variations of it.. if u think u can stand out... idk give it a try booboo!

Okayy... I just wanna say if u have SA.. plz for the love of god reach out to me.. plz tell me I'm not the only one... bc it sure as hell feels like it!! It's a timeless post so whenever u see this.. u can just reach out!!

I did make a post here a couple of days ago... deleted it tho bc it felt exposing (idk SA things ig) it was about how I just don't eat bc I can't go out to buy food on my own.

So a major aspect of my life is SA (at this point let's just say the only aspect lol) and no I don't need people telling me what to do abt it.. bc trust me I've done it all!.. Final verdict isss.. I'm sick!! Period.

Still if u wanna give any advice.. go ahead but plz know that I've prolly heard a hundred variations of it.. if u think u can stand out... idk give it a try booboo!

Okayy... I just wanna say if u have SA.. plz for the love of god reach out to me.. plz tell me I'm not the only one... bc it sure as hell feels like it!! It's a timeless post so whenever u see this.. u can just reach out!!

I have crippling social anxiety. I've lost a lot of weight over the past couple of years just bc I can't step outside to buy food. Food is something I've given up on at this point honestly. Used to consider myself a big foodie, not anymore, bc food means stepping out and buying it. That I can't do. On our clg campus, every store is effing packed ALL THE TIME. So yeah, no food for me!!!

Still.. every now and then I try to grab a few food packets. That's what I survive on, plus trashy mess food ofc. Kid you not, there are days when I don't eat anything more than a few biscuits and some milk. It hurts that I'm so incapable of even feeding myself... like who on earth is such a piece of trash. It's pathetic. I just wish I could turn into a normal human, man. I'm weird. No one around me is this weird.

Talking about friends... I do have friends, but everytime I go out with them, it feels like they see me struggling and get the ick or something. Then they start talking to me in this condescending tone while I'm standing there struggling to breathe. I get that they probably don't even realize they're doing it or think about how they come across, which is fine, ig. But still, why do people have to be so cruel I don't understand. Maybe it's me. I don't know anymore.

I'm so uncertain of myself, it's become ridiculous at this point. I'll think something, then dismiss it, and then dismiss the dismissed thought. It's an open loop. Nothing ever settles into something solid. Every thought is questioned and dismissed.. especially my emotions. It's like "oh, you think you're the victim? what if they're right and they're the real victim and you're just a manipulator??"

The only thing that's constant in my mind is uncertainty. Uncertainty about everything. Other people. My future. My own intentions. There's this lingering sadness and restlessness that just never goes away. It's been like this since forever. I used to think, with time, I'd make sense of things, but it seems like I'm only becoming hyperaware of just about everything around me.

I don't even think I can fix this. The only thing I can do is distract myself, but for how long am I supposed to do that? I legit need pills at this point. But what are pills supposed to do? make me feel better? is that what I want? idek. my life is what needs work, not just the way I feel ig.

Anyway.. I wonder does this happen to everybody? and they've simply figured out how to live with it? like is this what people do, ruminate over everything, all the time. For me this is life.. is it the same for everybody else??