Help
I recently got hired at a start up company for a role that wasn’t developed when I started interviewing with the owners of the company (there was a mutual connection with an employee who recommended that the owners meet me). My interviews with the owners led to the development of the role I’m now in, which is at an executive director level. I started the job in April.
When I first joined, I did onboarding meetings with each department director and lower level managers plus some staff to “understand what everyone’s role is and what they do.” Those meetings were hard for me because in almost every one of them, the person was confused about what MY role was and why I was hired. I also had a hard time answering that at the time because it seemed like for every answer I gave about my role (assisting with process improvement, streamlining and standardizing policies and procedures, and business development) there was someone in a director position with a team responsible for those things and I was perceived to be “stepping on other people’s toes.”
I also had only a vague idea of how anything worked because the business is confusing and the owners explain it by drawing a picture on a piece of paper and showing it to the camera (virtual meetings) so I wasn’t sure what I’d be specifically doing. It feels so embarrassing to even admit this on this post because who accepts a job they don’t understand!! I just thought I would figure it out and work with people to execute projects and build programs. But like, everyone feels so far away and most tasks have like 5 walls I can’t seem to break through to complete anything.
I have so much imposter syndrome and the company I work for is a start up, which means decisions frequently change and projects change directions FAST - and everyone seems to understand how things work except for me. When I ask questions, I get a feeling like I’m being judged and that people are annoyed with me. I feel like a burden and it’s impacted my emotions to the point where I’m so anxious that it’s hard to get myself to start working on things that involve communicating with other people. I’m also afraid I’ll deliver the wrong information and get in trouble for confusing everyone and making a simple thing more difficult than it should be.
Every week I meet with my boss who is a c-suite executive and Ive shared these concerns and my worries that I’m not meeting expectations. My boss has given me more support but it’s still high level and vague and my boss seems to be annoyed I don’t already know these things and have more questions than answers.
I also meet with the owners of the company and my boss every week and those meetings are SO tense. One day the CEO just started showing up to that meeting and he was really nice in my interview but he mostly ignores me or gets visibly annoyed and/or bored when I speak. These meetings are where big ideas come out and if I wasn’t recording every meeting and transcribing it afterwards, then obviously deleting the recording and keeping the relevant notes, I’d have no idea what to do.
I’m so sorry this is so long. I’m anxious and procrastinating starting my work. I just feel so stupid whenever I open my mouth. I don’t know what to do but I don’t know what to ask either. As an executive director, I feel like I shouldn’t have questions based on how my questions are received by others (cold, withholding, unhelpful).
Please help me. I have left work twice in tears since starting 3 months ago. I know i can do this work. On paper, it’s not hard. But the people make things so fucked up and turned around. What do i do to get myself back on track and start directing others to do what they’re supposed to do when we all have a project we’re involved in?