u/WonderfulMinute1990

I'm a 22 year old female. I have ADHD and Autism and got diagnosed with (complex) PTSD 1 year ago.

_Why I have (Complex) PTSD?_

1. When I was very young, I witnessed my biological father abuse my mother and a few years after, he abandoned me.

2. When I was 7 years old, my former best friend tried to drown me to death then continued bullying me afterwards.

3. When I was 8 years old, my previous stepfather abused and SA'ed me.

4. When I was 9 years old, I was kidnapped for ransom and there were several assassination attempts against my mother and I because she whistleblew against a very corrupt company she used to work for.

5. When I was 19, I witnessed my friend being abused by her boyfriend.

6. When I was 20 years old, my biological father attempted to commit a crime against my mother where he planned to frame her for a crime she did not commit.

7. When I was 21 years old, I fell into a 3-day coma and remained in ICU for 2 weeks.

_My reaction to my diagnosis_

I felt ashamed that I was not "strong enough". I wanted to be and feel invulnerable, so I rejected my diagnosis when my psychologist and psychiatrist made it last year. I wish I did not have it. But I had a panic attack yesterday and my friends were there and asked me what was wrong. I said "I never felt safe in this world." And it finally clicked.... My psychologist and psychiatrist were right.

And it affected so many of my relationships. The friends I lost. The colleagues I pissed off. The family members I hurt.

I feel so sad that I did not accept this when I should've.

I've consistently had terrible experiences with neurotypicals and those who are mildly, very mildly on our spectrum. To the extent that over time, I built a persona to fit in an attempt to not be bullied or isolated.

1. The persona likes making jokes and making fun of people. Personally, I don't care about jokes. I do not even get jokes half the time without analysing it. I had to study people and start researching about comedic techniques to understand and make jokes myself.

2. The persona makes assumptions about people. Personally, I actually do not make assumptions. But when I have the mask on, I pretend to make assumptions based on how people typically make assumptions about others.

3. The persona constantly smiles. Personally, I find it hard to reciprocate people's emotional states and feelings, etc. So the persona just smiles because apparently smiling at everyone and anyone makes you likeable, thus less likely to get bullied or outcasted.

4. The persona just knows what to say whenever and wherever, the majority of the time. Personally, I don't understand what you want. But I know that I read from a book that when someone asks me about this, that I must respond like this.

5. The persona makes consistent eye contact. Personally, I hate it. It's so painful to maintain eye contact. But I researched how long I have to keep eye contact and I learn a technique where I can voluntarily blur my eyes so that it doesn't seem like I am making eye contact in my mind.

6. The persona is friends with everyone. Personally, I wish I could live on an island away from people and the noise. But we depend on others to survive and achieve our goals. So I have to tolerate the noisy sounds and I have to act like this person's demanding me to do something out of what I was doing just now is okay and not upsetting. I give everyone hugs not because I love all of them, but because I am freakin scared of so many of them turning against me like what has happened in the past.

7. The persona is very wishy washy and indirect in a neurotypical way. Personally, at home, I am blunt and straight to the point. But around outsiders, I fear that my bluntness will anger them and it ends up in me being bullied again.

It is so frustrating to have to put this mask on. I am so tired.

My classmates and friends have repeatedly said that they believe I am autistic, before I even revealed it to them. Everyone has said it plenty of times. And it freaks me out because I keep wondering if I am doing things that make them uncomfortable or it annoys them.

I (22F) had an argument with my mom (48F) about how she spends money on me and whether some of those expenditures are actually necessary.

Some context: My mom was a single mother for most of my childhood. She married my stepdad when I was 14, but she remains the sole breadwinner in our household. My biological dad abandoned us, and despite this, my mom has consistently refused to pursue child support. I am her only child and am currently studying medicine. I previously lived in an apartment my mom rented for me during university, but had to return home after taking a leave of absence due to severe chronic illness. I am now back in medical school.

Last night, my mom told me she is under enormous financial pressure from supporting me and is increasingly taking on debt. I agreed that she is carrying a lot, but suggested that she reconsider some of her spending choices because she often spends significantly more than necessary.

For example, she bought me a car before renting an apartment for me. I had suggested the cheapest fuel-efficient automatic at the dealership that met my needs, costing about $11,800. Instead, she insisted on buying the top-of-the-range model for around $20,000.

Similarly, I was perfectly happy living in a student dorm for $650/month. It included utilities, WiFi, gym access, study rooms, entertainment facilities, cleaning, events with catering, heating and university transport. Because of occasional billing problems, I suggested another nearby student accommodation for $500/month with essentially the same amenities. Instead, she insisted on putting me in a much larger apartment costing $650 in rent, plus utilities and parking, bringing the total to roughly $950/month.

There are many other examples. She tends to want to “go big” and will sometimes push me into choices I did not ask for or need. Her justification is that she wants to spoil me and give me independence.

I told her that I am genuinely grateful for everything she has done for me and recognize the sacrifices she has made to give me a privileged life. However, now that I am an adult, I also understand the financial burden more clearly. I wish she would listen to what I actually need instead of spending beyond that. I don't need the most expensive option; if something meets my basic requirements, I am happy with it.

She became furious, called me “ungrateful” and “spiteful,” and said I take her kindness for granted before storming off. She has not spoken to me since.

I never intended to dismiss or invalidate everything she has done for me. I simply want her to realize that she does not have to keep stretching herself financially to give me more than I ask for. I would rather have less and know that she is financially okay than receive expensive things while watching her accumulate debt.

Regardless, was there another way I could have approached this? AITA for what I told her?

Some days, I have hope in my intelligence for this degree and most days, I wonder if I got in by mistake.

Most days are a struggle. I'm usually the silent kid who sits in the back of the class, afraid to embarrass myself because I might just say the wrong thing and everyone will laugh at me and then people will doubt me or I just confirm my own doubts.

In high school, I was the kid who would answer questions in class and engage in most subjects. I would know what I am talking about, not just from memory, but from understanding.

I stopped doing that once I got into med school. At first, it was because of the shock of university. Then, it was the self-doubt that creeped in after getting my first below 80% and 70%. Then my confidence just kept getting crushed from there.

Even now that I am getting desirable marks and performance feedback ratings again, I still wonder if I got them by luck.

I managed to study for 10 hours straight without too many breaks, and completed a full set of 376 infographics based on my written notes on 376 topics that we needed to cover over the last 4 rotations in preparation for our integrated test in 2 days' time. After testing myself on Geeky medics, I have some level of confidence that I will do well. Next, are the in-university past papers, then I have a good trajectory of how well I will do. If I get extra time, I'll test my knowledge on access medicine quizzes, Amboss, etc. Then I know for sure that I can score 80+ for the coming exam. I am so hyped right now.

I have reached a point where the majority of the members of my clinical group have shown to be manipulative and pretentious. They pretend like they are your friends and have your back, but gossip about you and try to sabotage you whenever they get a chance. They are toxic and unbelievably vain.

Then there is my temporary clinical partner. He is very sly and sneaky about it. He will gossip about everyone and do the same with others about me. He is a social snake, quiet and will throw you under the bus when he gets the chance. These people are absolutely cruel.

There are a few who are genuinely kind, but they are often pushed into the background and silenced. I hate the majority of them and I live for the day where I can leave this toxic bunch.

I'm in university. I have 2 more years to go before I finish my degree. But this year, I have been feeling so unmotivated to continue and my mom thinks I'm weak and trying to "form a pity party". She thinks I'm regressing into a child instead of being an adult. When I look at why and where I have lost motivation, sometimes I wonder if I am being weak. But at the same time, I am tired.

I started university in 2019. I was so hopeful but also anxious because my mom had lost her job and I had to rely on my dad. They were and are not together. My dad hates my mom for leaving him.

When they broke up, he disappeared and then came back 10 years later and would just cause so much misery. He would say awful things about my mom, mostly lies, to try to turn me against her and would punish me for not taking his side. He also made a habit of insulting my personality, the way I grew up and my weight. I was getting similar insults from my mom about my personality and my weight, especially when I somewhat resembled my dad in some way or another and vice versa with my dad. But because I knew that my dad used to physically abuse my mom, I would fight with my dad about his insults and not my mom because it felt like I deserved it for looking like my dad.

Back to uni. The main issue with relying on my dad for financial support was that he was unreliable. He expected my mom to pay 70% of the fees whilst he pays 30% or less, to his liking, even though she was unemployed at the time. This was coming from someone who never paid much of my living expenses since coming back. But my mom refused to fight for child support because she did not want to look like "that baby mama" and feed into the lies and rumours he would spread about her.

So much of university, I was relying on bursaries. But the issue is that the only bursaries I could get were the ones that gave us a very low stipend and would not pay for food. The international equivalent of $50 a month. So I had to ask my dad for an extra $100 to cover my full groceries and only my groceries. He gave that randomly. He would skip months and accuse me of giving some of the money to my mom as the reason for his skipping. (Which was true. I would save some for my mom, but I never told him that).

Then in 2020,during the pandemic, my mom was still unemployed. It was lockdown. He did not want me to come home and stay with him during lockdown, so I had to stay with my mom and essentially burden her. For the first 2 months at home, he gave me money for food. Then, during the remainder of the year, he cut me off, saying that since I am staying with my mom, she should feed me. So the rest of that year, we were living on bursary money for food and other living expenses.

Then in 2021, when I could go back to living at the student residences, he started giving me money again and increased the amount. I was also having suspicions of him hacking us because he seemed to have known details of my life and my mom's life that were not easily available for him to find. What also fueled my suspicion was that in 2013, he hired a PI to stalk my mom and showed me pictures and his WhatsApp convo with the PI. I told my mom about it and told her to file a case with the police, but she called me crazy and told me to "fuck off" with my "conspiracy theories". I told my mom about my suspicion about hacking. She called me crazy again. So I went to the police myself and they found evidence and brought it to my mom. She found a way to have the charges dropped, saying that she wants to give him a second chance. The same reasoning she used to drop the domestic violence charges against him when he physically abused her.

Later that year, I had a complete mental breakdown and that led to me repeating my third year in University.

In 2022, my mom finally got a job. Things were starting to get better. She even bought me a car and an apartment. They were nice gifts, but it was also out of spite for my dad because he kept promising those things, would buy them then say I had to share those items with his girlfriend. Much was fine for the next 2 years. Except the occasional panic attacks. But otherwise, I was eating, I was financially comfortable and was not fighting for much.

But then in 2024, my 5th year of studies(my course is 6 years minimum), I was grouped with the most awful group of classmates I had ever met. They bullied me to the extent that I did not want to go to campus anymore. On top of that, I was frequently getting sick. I got hospitalised 3 times that year, where with the last one, I was in ICU for a month. Once I got out, I wanted to take a leave of absence, but my mom threatened to not pay for my university fees moving forward if I did because she feared that I would not be able to continue if I took the leave. So I continued back into my course, despite my lecturers encouraging me to take leave of absence. I failed some of my final exams. But the university decided to grant me a return as long as I took a 1 year leave of absence prior to returning. They emphasized that I should focus on my health.

So I tried and I was going to therapy and doctors every month during 2025. But at the same time, my mom was not happy with me. Every few days, she would insult me, calling me useless and ungrateful. As months went by, she would eventually hit me from time to time. Then my stepdad beat me up. I tried to press charges, but she threatened me, saying she would refuse to pay for my university fees if her husband went to jail. So I did not press charges.

Then this year, I got back to uni but I have not been feeling like myself. I just wanna quit and run away most of the time. But it feels like if I quit, I will have nothing to fall back on because this is my last chance. I now have to stay at home with my mom and stepdad because she was no longer willing to let me stay in the apartment or at the student residence. We also live hours away from campus and, for her, from work. We both have to drive at least 2 hours to get to our respective destinations.

Recently, we had an argument about this and she felt that I was being inconsiderate for asking to live on campus. I then became sick and couldn't bring myself to go to campus for the last 3 days. Each morning and afternoon, she has called me weak and lazy.

Sometimes I wonder if I am.