u/Worried-Cat-9897

Assalamu alaikum everyone. I am a Muslim woman in my early 20s, financially independent, working full-time, and currently living with my parents. I have a major exam coming up that will have a serious impact on my future career, but the environment at home has become so stressful that I am struggling to study. I am genuinely asking for Islamic advice because I do not know what my obligations are anymore. I do not want people to simply tell me to cut off my parents. I love them, and I know they believe they are protecting me, but I feel that the situation has become controlling and emotionally harmful.

There is a man I want to marry, and his family has tried to approach my family in the proper way. My father says he is not against the marriage, but every time the process starts moving forward, another obstacle or delay appears. He initially insisted that the family had to “come through the front door” and speak to him, which they agreed to do. He then delayed the meeting because he said our house was not ready. The house has supposedly been undergoing changes for over five years, and the same issues with the house have existed for years. When my sister had her graduation party, however, the condition of the house was not treated as a problem.

My father also said he wanted to meet the other father alone and did not want to hear from or involve other members of the family. At one point, he suddenly demanded that they come that same weekend. When the other father could not come that exact weekend because of work but offered another time based on his schedule, my father refused and delayed the meeting again. I am afraid that these repeated delays and the way my father communicates are creating a terrible impression and may eventually cause the family to lose interest.

My father has repeatedly accused me of zina, even though I have never committed zina. He has implied that my emotional reaction to these accusations is evidence that I must have done something intimate with the man. Whenever my father becomes angry with me about something unrelated, such as my asking to see friends, he threatens to message the man’s father. He repeatedly says things like, “I will text his father right now,” or that he will forward my messages to him. He actually sent the father a message demanding that he make his son stop communicating with me and warned that the situation could get worse. He has also threatened to contact completely unrelated parents, including the fathers of my friends.

My parents constantly accuse me of financially supporting this man. My father regularly asks me, “How much did you send mama’s boy this week?” even though I have repeatedly denied sending him money and have never done so. They say that he will get me pregnant and throw me away, that I will have to support him, and that he is using me. My father has called him a loser and a mama’s boy and has said that because he is a man, he knows all men are dirty and knows how they think. My parents have also made derogatory comments about his ethnicity and compared his family’s finances and professions to ours.

My father’s stated concern is that the man is not financially established enough yet. The man is pursuing medicine and wanted to complete the MCAT and secure a medical school acceptance before making major moves. My father believes that this means he does not want marriage and that I will end up working and financially supporting him for years. I understand that financial readiness is a legitimate issue to discuss, but I do not understand why the families cannot simply meet, hear each other out, and discuss expectations. Instead, my father says that the other father does not want the marriage and is trying to make my father look like the one preventing it.

My father also sends extremely mixed messages. At times, he tells me to do whatever I want, go to a sheikh, get married, move away, or continue with my life. He has told me he has nothing to do with me as long as I “disobey” him and that he will focus on the “two daughters he has left.” When I asked whether I could have his refusal in writing so I could take it to a sheikh, he said I would never get anything from him. At other times, he says he loves me more than anything, wakes up in the middle of the night to make dua for me, has always been proud of me, and only wants to protect me. This inconsistency is emotionally exhausting and leaves me unsure of what he actually intends.

The marriage issue is only part of what is happening at home. My mother has told me, “InshaAllah you die.” My sister repeatedly calls me degrading and vulgar names, and my parents allow it. My parents enter my room while I am trying to sleep, wake me up, scream at me, insult me, and tell me I am an idiot and that this man is a player. They repeatedly say that I have ruined their lives and broken the family.

My mother has also threatened to contact every girl I am no longer friends with in order to expose and embarrass me because she believes I ruined her reputation. She has threatened to contact my friends and say other things I cannot even repeat. These threats involve people who have nothing to do with my marriage situation.

My mother also says that I do not deserve to be married because I spoke to a man and that I am already “marked” because of it. She repeatedly claims that I only began wearing hijab because of him. In reality, I wanted to wear hijab from my freshman year of college, but several family members discouraged me and told me that I was too young, that I might remove it, and that I should wait until I was older. When I eventually did put it on, my mother became angry and still insists that I only did it for his sake.
My parents are also trying to control where I attend law school. My mother does not want me attending school in the same general area as him.

I moved back home after college partly because my parents promised that once I graduated, I would have more freedom. Instead, I feel that I now have less. I am an adult, work full-time, and financially support myself, but they will not allow me to go anywhere without trying to accompany me, track me, or control the entire outing. One of my closest friends is having an engagement party about two hours away, and my parents refuse to let me attend unless they come with me, even though they were not invited. They insist on accompanying me and monitoring me rather than allowing me to attend independently.

I also have a major exam coming up that will heavily affect my career. The constant screaming, accusations, interruptions, and conflict at home are making it extremely difficult to concentrate or study. Whenever I explain that their behavior is damaging my ability to prepare, they blame the man and say he is the reason I cannot study, even though the daily yelling and hostile environment are what are actually preventing me from focusing.

I am now seriously considering moving out because I do not know how much longer I can live in this environment. I would continue speaking respectfully to my parents, maintain ties, and help them when appropriate. I am not considering moving out in order to engage in anything haram. I want a safe and peaceful place where I can sleep, study, work, and make decisions without daily screaming and threats.

My questions are: Islamically, am I required to obey my parents when they prevent me from attending permissible events or leaving the house, even though I am an adult and financially independent? Would moving out under these circumstances be haram or considered disobedience? At what point does a wali become unjustly obstructive in a marriage matter? If my father repeatedly delays the process, refuses reasonable meetings, makes accusations of zina, and alternates between telling me to marry without him and refusing to cooperate, what am I supposed to do? Should I involve a local sheikh, and could a sheikh or another wali step in if my father continues to obstruct the marriage without a valid Islamic reason?

Please be gentle and please distinguish between Islamic rulings and cultural expectations. I am genuinely trying to do the right thing without allowing myself to remain in a situation that is damaging my mental health, studies, career, friendships, and possibility of marriage. Jazakum Allahu khayran.

Hey everybody!

I’m currently considering T14 (no scholarship) vs a regional school with full tuition (think t100, Midwest).

It was my dream to go to a t14 for a while but things have changed recently….

My husband attends medical school at the same school I got a full tuition scholarship at
I don’t really want to do big law! Never have, don’t think I’ll ever will. I lean more towards employment/immigration and want to work at boutique or midsize firm.

So while in undergrad I wanted to go to a t14 for the longest time, I’m now considering things differently….

Is it crazy for me to turn down a t14 to have no law school debt and live with my husband? He said he doesn’t want to control where I go so I don’t feel any resentment towards him. I’m just kinda lost now lol

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