It never is. My life is just bad from every single end. You can talk about improving all you want, and I've tried so many times. But I've realized that for some people, hope just doesn't exist. My trauma will never erase. It will never go away. I just want to die. I can't do this anymore.
Sahih Al Bukhari 5954
Sahih Muslim 2110
Sahih Al Bukhari 5590
We all know about the hadiths about art depicting living things and music being haram. Most Muslims admit it is in fact haram, they're a bit divided on music but I feel like most Muslims I've met admitted at least drawing living things was haram. But those same Muslims play video games and watch animations depicting living things but somehow that's fine?? Like you're trying to tell me you can enjoy and promote other people sinning as long as you're not the one doing it?
Also most real-life popular movies/series depict various sins- women/men not covering themselves according to Islam, engaging in sexual acts but somehow that's fine for them to consume and promote?
My uncle had gone through some sort of surgery and everyone in my family yelled at me for not even calling. And I keep having to explain myself with excuses that I know nobody even buys. But if I tell them that I don't care then that is wrong. I know it's wrong that's why I don't say it and I hate not feeling sad for him but I don't. My mental health is at an all time low to the point where I just keep skipping work and then feeling guilty. Then here comes my friends telling me their life problems. I don't care. But i can't even tell them. I just ghost and then they get mad about it. I've lost so many friendships this way and I know I deserve it. Who the hell would want a friend who can't even show up for them? I wish I didn't have ties to anyone and I could just exist without having to care because I just can't anymore. I'm exhausted from having to pretend to keep relationships. It's always one thing after another. I just want to breathe. It feels so exhausting to perform. I wish I could just become terminally ill and everyone in my life just forgot about me. I could finally just die in peace.
People in my home country argue whether a woman should be allowed to go out without extra fabric in front of their damn chest. They argue whether rape is justified based on clothes. So many young girls/women I know have been married off right after school because it's sunnah to marry girls off asap. So many women/girls have been abused due to not following Islam, including me, but it's fine. Feminism is wrong. Expression is wrong. Education is not needed. The kuffars will burn in hell unlike us so build more unnecessary mosques in an already overpopulated area because that would guarantee Jannah. Forget your roots, only name your children arabic names because it's haram to name them otherwise. Slowly erase all of the culture that is left by your ancestors before Islam. Evolution is wrong, Allah is right, so make sure to include it in the textbooks. Better yet, send more vulnerable kids to madrassas so that they get abused and learn nothing but to memorize one book. Don't donate money to schools and universities but instead to the beautiful beautiful mosques and madrassas. Then, during Eid-al-adha, kill a massive amount of animals all around the country even though the streets are already unsanitary enough from year-round neglect. Of course, we can't forget the abusive and disgusting behaviors towards lgbtq and literally anyone who doesn't fit into their definition of a perfect Muslim.
I hate this religion, and I hate the colonizers more who forcibly spread this garbage to my region. Of course, I also hate Western colonizers for all the damage they caused, but that's not for this subreddit. Other countries are not perfect, but their people have so much going on for them. There are so many amazing advancements in technology, opportunities for students and workers, and beautiful clean land. Hell, even many Muslim majority nations are thriving now due to the majority not strictly following Islam and its hell-hole rules. But my country is stuck with most being so passionate about their dear religion but then wondering why we are so behind.
For my final thoughts, I just want to say that I know not all Muslims are backward, but Islam definitely is. By following this religion so strictly, we will never get to where so many countries are right now, but nobody seems to care. I know the most common suggestion for people who are frustrated by this religion is to simply leave. And I have. But how long are we going to keep doing this? How many people will mostly Western countries allow before getting tired of it? I really want to do something for my home country. I want to return because deep down, I have so much love and sadness for the country that is ruined because of backward beliefs. But I know I won't be able to anytime soon cause I won't be able to survive. I just hope somewhere in the near future there is stability, and this disgusting religion disappears from our eyes.
Constantly having to deal with the comments like "why are you always at home?" Or "Why are you so quiet?" is really not that bad. But it really gets difficult that whenever I get a break or a weekend when I can finally have time to myself, they want to go out or invite people over. And the guests are always so damn intrusive. They come into my room out of nowhere and comment on how messy it is. I am not even allowed to close my door(they tore my doorknob off and they think I deserve it because I am always in my room). Well, I wonder why, huh? I wish my parents or siblings understood me, but they're always loud and annoying whenever they are at home and force me into going places with them that I would really rather not go. It's gotten so bad to the point where I never wanna come back to visit them when I move out.
Every other day I apply to jobs and they don't even look at my applications. People say have fun in your teens but I feel restless everyday. I need a job because my parents are broke so by extension I am also broke. My life is so trash and I feel envious of all the pos that get to live without any worries. They got their parents backing them up at every turn. I have no one. It's so unfair how some people have it all in life from the get go and the rest of us have nothing. Life is such a rat race and I am so so sick of it.
I just don't want to be a burden. Oh there's a wedding, someone's bday coming up, someone just had their first child, someone is having the time of their life but I'm suffering. I don't want to be the reason for someone's big moment being ruined. I want to do it in a day that's so worthless and forgettable that no one would be burdened. If I die on a day that's supposed to be good for them, then they won't be able to celebrate because they have to force sadness. I know nobody would even cry if I die, they would have to force themselves to look sad just to "mourn". I hate it all.