u/ZeldaXLink99

So I like will meet a friend and then they seem really interested and we are having fun and I’m really interested and having fun and then out of no where I have no desire or like this sounds awful but I want to be alone, and I communicate to them well what I say is I’ve been going through some things and isolating and not to take it personal. It’s like I feel guilty and confused bc why do I not want to hang out like I used to?

Then it’s like they are chill about it but still will message me frequently and If I don’t get back I’m not actively or purposely sitting there like not responding to them, like I’m just like checked out and I will eventually respond but I feel guilty bc it feels like I’m doing it bc I have to?

Then it’s like they will get upset bc I’ve been sucking at responding even tho I communicate I’ve been isolating but then it’s like I feel just like idk I’ll apologize and say again it’s not personal you are right I haven’t been a good friend etc but genuinely I’m in a weird headspace and isolating and not going to be good and responding.

But then it’s like I’ll get anxiety about are they mad at me if I don’t respond or idk. And I just feel even more checked out. Like get anxious to even go online on games or any media bc I know if they see me active I will get a message so I just turn off activity.

How do you communicate to someone this without hurting feelings. Like do I just say hey I genuinely enjoyed hanging out but now I suddenly have zero interest in ever hanging out again and lost all like desire to be around you and message and play games at this point only communicate bc I don’t want you upset but I’m also confused and I hope the desire will come back bc I remeber I genuinely enjoyed myself but right now It’s been months and when you bring up how it hurts you I just feel like I don’t know what to do to not hurt you and those aren’t my intentions and it just makes me even more anxious and checked out bc I don’t want to hurt you.

Does this make sense, it’s like I communicate to them when it happens but it’s like I have no idea how long it will last and they get mad and I just feel like a shit friend but I just genuinely do not want to message

One time they said it feels like I’m always there when you need to talk but sometimes I feel alone and it feels like you aren’t there. And first like totally valid but it’s also like, this person actively asks me about stuff and I shared I’m not going to them dumping stuff on them, this sounds like so fucked up but I don’t need you to be there for me and I shared things with you bc you asked me too. And after that it’s like I just am like I don’t feel safe to answer questions truthfully about how I’m doing when they ask bc I feel they then will say I’m here for you you aren’t for me and stuff. So it’s like I’m anxious trying to make sure they aren’t mad at me am telling them openly none of it’s personal but it’s like feels like that’s not enough.

And maybe I am just like fucked bc I can see and empathize and understand their frustrations but I don’t know what else I’m suppose to say without being down right hurtful honest does that make sense.

Just the messages pile up the passive aggressive stuff but I know it’s out of a place of hurt but I don’t think they are able to realize that maybe they might not be fully hearing what I’m saying to them and not recognizing that they are being a bit to much or to dependent on me or expecting to much from me idk but I can’t tell bc I just feel like I’m shity.

What is this and how do you handle this with someone who you do genuinely care about and don’t want to hurt and have made sure to say multiple times it’s not personal I’m in a weird head space and isolating from people, but it’s like idk I just feel bad :( and trying to figure out the correct way to handle this.

what would going into pure freeze mode eventually dissociating holding back a panic attack at one point look to others around me in a group setting, was able to casually exit during a socially appropriate time but was battling for my life for like 30 mins.
my whole body statue looked like I saw a ghost probably, I felt pure fear like in the rawest form. And tried to mask. my voice was super quiet and soft when I had to talk and I just kept finding myself frozen even my hand just frozen infront of me staring straght ahead just returning to that position when I didn’t have to participate.

It was so bad dude it came on and it was just like I need to escape right now but I can’t escape right now so I just freeze. Then there was one point after being like a frozen statue staring I kept tugging at my clothes bc I felt so uncomfortable. I was in so much fear I could literally smell my own fear on me and I think others could to.

I hope and would rather they just think I was on drugs or shit myself or something then like knowing it was just me lmao it was so bad. I didn’t go back and I know these people don’t care and don’t even think or remember that moment, but that’s the worse I ever experienced something like that in public and I just wanna know how ridiculous it probably looked to the outside.

Also when I got up and gathered my stuff one of the people was like are you headed out and with straight fear in my eyes I said “yes” in quiet ass soft voice.

random but when I was younger I found the song “The Horror of our Love” by Ludo, it’s like a song I’ve grown to like, but not like the overt creepy lyric vibes of it.
So it’s not something I would go out of my way to want to send or share to someone. So I just keep it to myself and maybe revisit it once or twice a year.

Anyone else have songs they do the same thing with?

Since I was young I just have this total avoidance of blush, want to get out of my comfort zone and try some but it’s like a gut reaction of no can’t do that

Also I don’t use foundation just usually bold eyes and concealer and then powder contour. Any one with a similar problem have recommendations or products they find work well?
Would love to have maybe a light color corrected tinted moisturizer or just a color corrector moisturizer as something to help conceal flair ups. But not comfortable with full on foundation on my skin.

Also I don’t look into blush much at all since I’ve always avoided it but if there’s someone out there with a similar issue as me what colors tend to work out well if I wanted to try blush out? I’ll see like red looking blush and get scared but sometimes online I’ll see more muted different shades and think maybe

I was raised Christian and want to believe god is real and there’s a major part of me that does but it’s like these thoughts uncontrollably in my head like this is not real to the point I would feel like it would be offensive to God to partake in things because I have those thoughts. Recently I had a friend do a tarot reading for me I was not educated on tarot at all and didn’t know it was I guess not okay to do if you believe in God? My predicament is if God is real then I feel whatever is interacting with tarot is real to?
I had a good experience with tarot and my headspace was originally thinking it was more of just a guided game but if I believe in god then I morally also should believe that tarot isn’t just a harmless guided game? If I partake in tarot more is that bad?

I guess my moral dilemma is if I didn’t believe in any religion at all or any spirits or whatever then I would feel more comfortable like it’s just cards but the fact part of me does believe in God I feel then how can I say it’s just cards? Does that make sense, like I feel it’s not morally accurate for me to believe in God and then do tarot cards and say it’s just cardboard and means nothing? Cause wouldn’t that also then could be argued like praying means nothing and everything in Christianity isn’t real? Idk I really want to get tarot but this is holding me back bc I still part of me believes in God

I had my first ever tarot reading and I did it 2 times for 2 different things, and the reader was saying how they are shocked it was so gentle with me both times when it’s normally blunt/hash to them and others. What does this mean?