I think I have an anxious attachment problem, but I don't understand where it comes from. How do I stop getting intensely attached to people?
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I'm a 23F, and I'm trying to understand something about myself because I genuinely don't know what to do with it anymore.
I think I might have anxious attachment tendencies, especially with people I emotionally connect with. The weird thing is that I had a pretty normal/loving childhood. My parents loved me, I had good friends, and I've usually had a very close best friend. I don't have the obvious childhood story of "I was neglected and therefore became anxiously attached."
And yet, I seem to get very emotionally attached to certain people very quickly.
Not everyone. That's the strange part.
I can talk to someone for a while and get bored or lose interest. But occasionally I meet someone with whom I really click, and then something in my brain goes:
"Oh. This person. Keep them."
And suddenly I want to talk to them constantly, tell them about my day, wait for their messages, hear their voice, etc. If they start pulling away, I have an incredibly difficult time letting go.
Recently this happened with someone I met anonymously on Reddit.
We started talking and eventually moved to Telegram/Instagram. We could talk for hours. I would send him voice messages about random things that happened during my day and look forward to his replies. Once when I was anxious, he sang and played guitar for me over a call. I felt extremely understood by him.
I eventually developed feelings for him and told him.
He didn't want a relationship, and honestly, I don't think he was romantically interested in me. But I still really liked having him in my life.
Eventually things became complicated. I called him once while I was under the influence of my sleeping medication and apparently crossed some boundaries that I don't remember clearly. Afterwards, he told me he needed space and that we shouldn't talk anymore.
He wasn't cruel about it. In fact, his message was very kind. He basically said that he didn't want me to feel bad about anything and that he needed distance because continuing the connection didn't feel right for him.
And I am having a really hard time letting go.
I know rationally that he's just one person I've known for a short time. I know we probably aren't compatible in real life. I know I don't actually know him that well. And yet a part of me desperately wants to keep some tiny connection alive.
It made me realize that this isn't only about him.
I've done something similar emotionally in my relationship too. I've been with my boyfriend for around four years, and I've sometimes felt like I keep "running towards" him emotionally—wanting more reassurance, more emotional availability, more connection. He is a good person and I love him, but he is much less emotionally expressive than I am.
And now I'm scared I'm going to repeat the exact same pattern with another person.
Someone gives me a little emotional intimacy, I become attached, I start seeing them as unusually special/better/more emotionally mature than everyone else, and then I start wanting more and more of their presence.
It's basically the feeling I described to myself as:
"People give me a finger and I end up holding their entire hand."
I don't think I'm entitled to anyone's attention. I don't want to control people. I don't want to stalk or harass anyone. But internally, I can become very clingy.
There is also a bigger mental-health context.
For the past few years I've had this persistent feeling of being unhappy or hopeless. It's not that I can't enjoy anything—I can crochet something and feel good, kiss my boyfriend and feel good, finish a task and feel good—but underneath those moments I've often felt like there's this constant background sadness.
I've also had periods where I barely wanted to eat or drink because I felt emotionally overwhelmed. I've experienced anxiety physically—tightness in my chest/stomach, feeling punched in the stomach, difficulty concentrating, etc.
And I've had thoughts along the lines of "I don't want to kill myself, but I wouldn't mind dying." I don't currently intend to act on those thoughts, and I want to live, but the fact that I can feel so indifferent toward my own continued existence worries me.
I've considered therapy/psychiatric help, but I currently can't afford regular therapy.
So I'm trying to understand myself without jumping to a diagnosis.
Why might someone develop these kinds of intense attachment patterns despite having loving parents and good friendships?
Is this actually anxious attachment, or could it be something else?
Why do I become so intensely attached specifically to people who make me feel emotionally understood?
And most importantly:
How do I learn to enjoy people without making their presence emotionally necessary for me?
I don't want advice like "just stop caring" or "find someone else." I want to understand the mechanism behind this and learn how to handle it better.
If anyone has experienced something similar, I'd genuinely appreciate hearing what helped you.