u/Zoerens

last time i did that i ended up donating over 2k within a week 😓

my username is youkaistragedy. if i do it, joins are on for followers. i might actually do it if i reach 200 followers on roblox. lmk 😓😓

starting prices for:
ssbd: 1.7k AB: 2k
cow: 1.8k AB: 2.3k
can also do USD, AB for both: 25-27$, lowkey need the mula rn for my car 🥲
house commissions: 1k = 1 elve, 1 elve = 50 rbx, i can show my past work and trades 💕

for years, genuine years i’ve been so tired of life and just everything overall. from when i gained consciousness up until now my life has genuinely been nothing but abuse, neglect, depression, anxiety, sa, etc. i am nothing at this point. i feel like a dirty, disgusting whore. i’m used. i’m impure. i don’t want to do this anymore. i’m transgender by the way, female to male. still yet to get any help for dysmorphia or hrt due to laws, 18 now but still struggling to get help because they overprice everything and profit the most they can off of our discomfort/pain.

extra note: i’ve been diagnosed with: depression, anxiety, BPD, stockholm, dysmorphia, PTSD, C-PTSD, and more. i am, in the nicest way, fucked.

it genuinely all started from when i was maybe 6? or so. men that both my mother and grandmother dated would comment on my body, mention what i wore, mention how i’d be so sexy and desirable when i grew up, how they couldn’t wait to see what a sexy woman i’d grow into.

i could never be properly comfortable in my own home out of fear i would be taken advantage of by men in their 30’s and up. i slept with knives and literal axes either cuddled up with them or they were under my pillow/beside the headboard of my bed. i still have to sleep with knives out of paranoia. i no longer have anyone like that in my life. it’s become a habit. i cannot go to sleep without a knife even if i know i am “safe” and alone. i never truly feel safe. i will never truly feel safe, i think.

from a young age, honestly around there..maybe 9. i was on platforms like discord, roblox, twitter(X), other sites that no kid should have access to such as severe gre and prn, won’t get into it because of the rules. (mainly shown to me by older guys i met online/dated.) which traumatized me, desensitized me, caused me to have severe sexual and violent tendencies at a young age up until now as i type this very sentence. i’ve always been taken advantage of from a very young age by older men and women. for a long time i thought that was all i was good for and it may very well be true.

on the real life side of things i have a younger brother who has always been heavier and stronger than me unfortunately as i am biologically female and was forced into feminine role for years despite being out since i was 7 years old, younger really but that doesnt matter. i endured years of sexual abuse and rape from him. i remember what he said and did to me vividly. i remember him telling me if i wanted to be a man i should cry less while he would manhandle me and force me to just let him have his way with me to be the least graphic as possible. he used to brag about the multiple women (he was related to them by either half blood or step siblings, i was not aware at the time), it turned out none of them had consented, like me. i told my mother years later after i had tried to kill myself after living with so much guilt, shame and disgust with myself. she did not believe me. she took his side. it didn’t matter how hard i cried or how much i told her in detail. he got away with it. no one ever believed me, i’ve told other family members, no one believes me. the other women finally spoke up but no one believed them either. the only person i have on my side is my grandmother who was unaware of any of this happening until she walked in on it happening to me. she witnessed it first hand of him forcing me to have intercourse with him. as graphic as it is, i’m thankful he always forced anal. i’m not sure if i could live with myself if he would’ve “popped my cherry” and made me live with the realization he took the only last bit of purity i have left. i unfortunately still love and sympathize for him. he is my brother. i cannot just stop loving him no matter how bad i want to hate him, i will always be there for him. i had saved his life last year in december when he got too drunk and almost died choking on his own puke in his sleep. i was the only one to act on it. i sat him up, let him puke on me, undressed him after he stopped, got him new clothing, let him lay on me for hours until he woke up and was fine. i cried on him, begged him to wake up, he wouldn’t until that next morning. no matter the trauma he has caused me, i unfortunately care. i cannot stop. i have once again been diagnosed with stockholm and i’m aware of how bad that is.

into the topic of being on discord and roblox. i had made countless older friends because in my mind i was too mature for the kids my age due to the fact i had been through so much and was forced to grow up fast (i’ll get into those details after this), i was mainly friends with 18+ at 9-10, this includes dating one..which i can’t even get into the stories of how my exes manipulated, abused and put me into therapy, episodes, etc. i guess i can get into it if asked, but it is a very sensitive topic for me, though it may help understand more if you’re even bothered to know. but back to the point of this, when i was on those sites i had always, always dated, been around, talked with guys at-least 8+ years older than me up to 20 years or more. yes, 10 year old me was speaking to 30 year olds….>!and dating them!< but that’s…just a canon event i guess? yolo…? i don’t know. i’m trying my hardest to cope with humour but i can’t do it anymore. i’ve been in at-least 20 “relationships” (mostly fwb, sexting, etc.) with men and women older than me, mainly men as i struggled with having no father figure in my life, i was looking for a guy who could guide and help me, boy did they take advantage of that, and me as a whole…i’ve had maybe 2 or 3 relationships with people my age or at-least a 5 year max gap. iirc my oldest ex is literally in his 40’s now. i’m 18. i turn 19 in january. i remember the things he’d whisper and say about me, the things he called me, i’m so fucking disgusting. i am genuinely just disgusting. the sites they showed me, the non-consensual porn they made of me with them, the fantasies they told little me about. i will never understand how a grown man can see a little kid seeking comfort and think of them sexually.

^ backstory on why i felt as if i may be too mature for them; since i was a i guess at the time…little girl i’ve taken on the nurturing role for my siblings (including older, aswell as my moms friend’s kids who i never knew, i just took care of them and loved on them, this also includes my mothers exes kids…who look forward to me more than their own father.) i have always either babysat, basically took in children as my own, cooked, cleaned, helped with anything financial that i could whether it was a little job for money for bills, helping sort bills/taxes, checks, etc. i did not grow up very well off at all but i wont get into that, nor will i get into the issues that it has caused…including up until today. in school i was always the odd one because i could never get behind the humour kids had as i saw myself as too mature/too good for them somehow. i stayed by myself, i eventually had to drop out of in person school due to an “ex” and graduated early online which stripped me of the socialization i needed, causing me to be more introverted. i’m a decently closed off person but i try to throw myself out there which makes me either act irrational, over share and get taken advantage of or just get taken advantage of anyway because of the fact i’m a bit mentally…behind? in a way because of my trauma. i’m a relatively smart person but when it comes to certain situations, understanding some things, especially sexual or emotional matters it’s…really difficult.

because of all of this i’ve attempted multiple times, gotten into aa (alcohol abuse, from ages 7(?) to 18, i only stopped this february because of my boyfriend. he gives me reasons to be better, i won’t speak too much on him but i don’t know what id do without him. i love him. he’s the only relationship i’ve felt genuinely loved and secure in. i’m thankful that a guy as good as him chose someone as difficult as me. i know i’m hard to love though and i feel as if he’d be better without me dragging him down or having to deal with my issues. i’ve also unfortunately gotten into pills, literal drug use (xanax’s, weed, a little bit of other things. contemplated meth and cocaine because that’s all i saw my mother do. but i never let myself stoop that low.) i also stopped all of that for him because i want to 1. grow old with him, i cant do that if i OD or just end up dying from another addiction 2. get better for him 3. make him proud.

i’m really done talking about this but there’s so much more i’ve not even slightly covered. i’m exhausted. it’s almost 5am. i’ve been at this for an hour trying to find words to say.

i pray this is never found by, read or shared to anyone who hates me and turns it to use it against me. i think that would actually be my last straw. i’m rather open about my trauma but some people are just ruthless.

thank you for reading if you did all the way through, it feels better to get off my chest, but i’m always going to see myself as a useless, impure whore because of my past. even if i didn’t want it.

also have:

royale high
dragon adventures

I also have other pets for sale!!