u/Zoinkers158

I don't really know anyone who relates to this personally but I'm a masochist who's sex repulsed

This is disgusting so fair warning, I didn't post photos because of how bad it is

My mom and stepdad are both addicts and hoarders, they never clean unless I'm there and I haven't been over there in over two months because my mom was paranoid I was stealing (I wasn't obviously)

And I agreed to go over and help her clean, she hasn't picked up a single thing since I was there last I'm pretty sure, I'm not gonna go into details because I have the rest of the house handled and it's really nasty

The sink was filled to the brim with dirty dishes and water and rotten food, like whole plates of food that have just been in there, there was also mold and maggots

I started throwing things away and my mom lost it on me, she was yelling and stuff and really really upset about it

Apparently there was her grandmas plated and stuff in there, the issue is she won't go through it with me or tell me what's her grandma's and she told me "either clean it or leave me alone, I don't want you throwing anything away"

So now I'm left with how do I even begin to sanitize this, the sink works but the whole thing is blocked up with rotting stuff, I keep gagging anytime I go near it

But I need it done because no one else will do it and she's my mom

There's plastic, glass, metal and ceramic things in there

Sorry this is gross I just have no clue what to do and where to start on this and I want to get it done before it gets worse, I'm genuinely so lost

I've been thinking about it a lot and I want it done but idk how to start

I'm a male for references

How much would that cost around and what's the healing like? Does anyone know a good place in the US to have it done?

I had complete nullification surgery, I'm a 22 year old dude and had it done two years ago

I have no dick and no balls basically, I had them surgically removed

I did a lot of fucked up shit, I was kinda a kleptomaniac, id steal hundreds of dollars worth of shit from stores and people and then sell it to get money at pawn shops and Facebook

id also steal a lot to try to impress girls as a teenager because I somehow got the idea that shoplifting gets bitches

I vandalized shit all the time because I was just a really angry person

I went to juvie and jail multiple times, never prison, a lot of probation

Sold drugs for a little bit

Did a lottt of stupid shit

I'm a 22 year old dude now and all of this happened from probably around 10-21, I went to rehab a year ago and I'm trying to put that shit behind me

I went to a mental hospital for the first time when I was 11 years old and juvie when i was 13 the first time

I was also in a work camp thing for troubled youth when I was 15, it was super duper christian and they kinda tried conversion therapy on me, it wasn't as horrifying as some of the other places but it was still awful and fucked me up

I had really awful parents as a kid (ik right, shocking), my parents were divorced and drug addicted and abusive af

I got involved with a dude in his 20s when I was like 12 who was also a piece of shit and got me into gore and shit

I was a massive bully in highschool and got diagnosed with conduct disorder

I would steal anything I could get my hands on, shoplift hundreds of dollars worth of shit

Id vandalize and destroy shit just to do it, fight people and beat the fuck out of people

I was a very very angry kid

And now I'm 22 and still fucked up, but I'm not a criminal or drug addict (unless you count weed) and pretty decent for how I was as a kid

I'm still fucked mentally but I try my best to be a good to other people, not that it takes away any of the bad things I've done in my past, I do not believe in forgiving people for things like that

But I do believe people can change they're behavior and I just want to show it is possible

I'm not a good person, I won't ever be one and I don't want to give people the impression that I am

I've just been thinking about a lot tonight and I want to get something out into the world

I've kinda been spiraling about this, I was a really hurt piece of shit as a kid and hurt a lot of people because of that

It wasn't just insults it was a lot of physical shit, id make people mad enough to try to hit me than id just beat the fuck out of them

It was really really fucked up and I feel awful about it as I should

Would apologizing make it better for the victims of it? Like should I reach out or something or just shut the fuck up and leave it

It wasn't just me involved in a lot of it but Ik one of my friends won't ever apologize and the other ones dead

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to make this better, I know I can't fix it or undo it and I don't really want to do it to make myself feel better I just hate how much pain I inflicted on other people and wish I could help them with that in any way possible

I was such a piece of shit, im not worried about closure for myself, I don't give a fuck about that

edit

I understand why everyone assumes I'm just seeking forgiveness but that's not why, I don't believe in forgiving people who hurt you, I think it's stupid, I never have and never will forgive anyone who hurt me in the past

and I'm aware the response could be bad, I don't care if they tell me to fuck myself or tell me I'm an asshole

The reason I was asking this isn't to make myself feel better, I don't deserve to feel better for hurting people, I made my bed to lay in I'm that regard

I just want to help the people I've hurt because they deserve it, most of them never did shit to me, I was just a piece of shit and wanted to hurt people because I was hurt and an asshole

Trigger warning child sexual abuse and a bunch of other shit

I had a really fucked up childhood, my stepdad and mom were both super super abusive and borderline pedophiles and my dad was abusive too but it was just physically mostly, and then I got with a dude that fucked me up even more when I was 12, went into a camp thing and got even more fucked up

I don't want to go into detail about all that but I'm 22 now and I feel so fucking disgusting

I am fucking disgusting, Ive been diagnosed with conduct disorder as a teen and in and out of hospitals my whole life and got arrested a lot as a teen for just being a genuinely horrible person

I'm such a fucking degenerate, Im a masochist to the extreme, I thought I was trans for the longest time, not that being trans is a bad thing but the only reason I thought so was because of that fucking disguesting man

People are scared of me because I just fucking yell and breakdown crying all of the time, people don't feel safe to be around me because I can't keep my shit together and I'm a grown ass man

I was a really really violent teenager, I was so so fucking angry, I was a huge bully because I just couldn't handle my anger, I was genuinely an awful person, I would purposely get into any fight i could because I was so so angry

I used to brag about watching gore and shit and show it to other people because my boyfriend acted like it was cool and edgy, it wasn't, it was just weird, I was so so weird

I know not all of it is just trauma and most of the responsibility is on me but I just wish I had a more normal start

Even when I'm stable people just can tell shits wrong with me and that's scary, I flinch at every little thing and just look pissed off all of the time and I hate it, I feel so awkward all of the time I can't sit still and have a conversation, I can barely keep one going online without just unnerving people

I act so so weird and no matter how much I try I can't help but just looking like I'm about to snap 24/7

I want to be normal and I want people to feel safe around me but I just can't act normal for the life of me, I'm such a volatile man

I've known him forever and he's never told me this before, I've never hurt him or have came close to hurting him, I screamed at him a few times but that's all, I genuinely love him and I'm such a fucked up person he admitted he's scared id hurt him or something

We were sitting down drinking and we were talking about shit and he admitted I scare him

He's fucking twice my size and could beat me to a fucking pulp and he's fucking scared of me

I'm that bad of a person apparently

I wouldn't ever hurt him, he's the only person that will listen to me and I feel safe with and he said that I'm fucking "unnerving to be around" I hate it, I don't want people to be scared of me, I wish I was fucking normal but I act like a fucking dumbass

I love him so much and I even scare him, I feel so fucking awful

He's not even a saint either, he's a shitty person and he's still fucking scared id hurt him

I edited our half of the cuss words because it was annoying as hell to read, my bad