My search results are tied between egg sac and some kind of fungus. I vote fungus, my dad votes egg sac.
You know how sometimes your ghost pets will come busting out of the wall, and just be chillin in their old spots? That's weird. That doesn't live with us on Earth AND I still have to go to work tomorrow?!
But then! We got adopted by an outside cat a couple months after losing both our inside cats, and I'm starting to hallucinate him busting out of the walls and finding like, a huge nap spot as well. I'm surrounded by ghost cats, except one of them occasionally phases into reality and leaves fur everywhere. I'm really crossed up!
I cannot believe this is what I got after just one good pass with some 80 grit. She's gonna be so pretty!
I know the title sounds bad, but I swear everything is fine. The wine isn't a problem AT ALL. It's those fucking bald boys!! They're just like, nothing. Like, they shouldn't even matter. And yet here I am, once again, crying into my popcorn and feeling like I'm back in the pants.
To give you some context, in 2024, I tried out for the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade float-handling team. The process actually started in 2023, where over 55,000 applicants go through a series of physical and mental assessments designed to make sure they are fit for the task (and risks!) of handling these massive floats.
Fast forward to March of '24. I get my acceptance letter and am set to start training in September. The best part? My best friend of nearly 15 years, we'll call her Lucy, is going with me! I got to the training camp, and everything goes fine for the first month. I was making friends, learning a ton, and even met a guy I was vibing with. I remember thinking he was SO cute, because he looked sort of like Charlie Brown - little bit of a tummy, roundish nose, no hair. Let's call him "Hot Charlie." This guy was right in my Q Zone back then.
At the end of October, we got our float assignments. As a life long Peanuts fan, I was absolutely THRILLED to be assigned to lead the Snoopy float, with Hot Charlie as my co-lead. We were going to be right behind the Charlie Brown team, which my (ex) best friend (you'll see why soon) was assigned to. We all celebrated together that night, and made plans to get matching tattoos so we would always remember this time together.
Cut to two days before the parade.
Things. 👏 Are. 👏 Insane. 👏
I'm running around, checking not just on my team, but the CB team next to us, making sure lead lines are secured and whatnot. Some of the lines have this weird inside loop thingy that has to go inside the float, then the you literally sew it into the seam. But these floats are massive. Entire warehouses long, sometimes, so some of the loops are several yards away from the opening. You may be able to see where I'm going with this.
I finish up, head toward the exit, and I can't find it. It had been sewed frickin' shut!! I was stuck, and the floats were being blown up the next day, so nobody would be able hear anything (ME!) with the machines running. I spent the entire parade and part of the next day stuck in those god damned pants.
I finally get out and track down my supposed accountabilibuddy, Hot Charlie, only to find him shacked up with none other than Lucy!!! And Lucy straight up admits she was the one who sewed me into the pants so she could take my place next to HC.
WTF?! I DON'T WANT THAT!!
I was so mad. I went out with some friends to Club Huanted House and we came up with a plan. I ended up suing the city (as well as HC and Lucy in a separate lawsuit) and won. I made millions off of being stuck in those pants, but I have no idea what to do with it. It's just that amount of money, getting smaller, until I die. I just keep buying wine because I can afford fancy wine now. And of course there's the popcorn, too, but it doesn't fill the chode pants-sized void in my heart.
TLDR: Ex best friend sewed me into a pair of chode jeans and took off with my crush. Now I'm rich and have sworn off bald boys forever, but it still hurts.
Dinner: Expensive red wine....and popcorn!
It's a really sweet story, actually. We were at a birthmas party, and he must have noticed I was acting a little...off. You know, just quiet and a little withdrawn. Not doing anything strange AT ALL, just like, making sure he had enough to drink and what not. But definitely not having the greatest time.
He stopped me as I was coming back with a special cocktail I'd made just for him, and this man actually apologized, y'all. He said he was way out of line when he told me I couldn't have a snake in the house, and that he felt like he had treated me unfairly when our friend Stephen brought his dog over, and he didn't come down on him nearly as hard as he did when I suggested bringing in four snakes.
I told him I appreciated that, and that snakes are to me what dogs are to Stephen. Because I'm the snake mom. And it's so easy for me just to open the desk drawer. They're in there. I take the food, I put it on the desk. And then I knock it in. No one knows what I'm doing. No one knows I have snakes in there.
He agreed, and we went back to mingling. I did forget to give him his special cocktail, but hopefully somebody else at the party got to enjoy it.
I got three fresh duck eggs and nine chicken eggs from a local farm. I've never had duck eggs, so I was really looking forward to making some this weekend, and comparing them to the chicken eggs.
Nope! He used all three in a recipe that calls for two large eggs, so with the size, he could have gotten away with one, maybe one and a chicken egg.
Better believe I rage ate those damn cookies. They were amazing, but I hated them, but they were so good.
Edit: I love my dad!! Lol! The cookies were delicious, and he has been thanked a million times. I only posted this because I ate the last one last night, and was mad (again) when I couldn't nibble on one this morning. I had just brought them home the day before he made the cookies, and we hadn't decided what to do with them yet anyway. And, as I had been warned against, they were all in the same basket. Consequences of my own actions - the most infuriating kind of consequences.
We lost mom a couple years ago, so I will always cherish everything he does for the family, even if it means using the eggs I was waiting to try. I can get more eggs, no problem. I can't get more dads...easily...
Edit Jr.: I asked for the recipe, and he answered in the most epically dad fashion.
"I just used my normal recipe, but added some stuff to compensate for the liquid in the eggs."
By "normal recipe," he means whatever he has memorized from either the chocolate chip bag or the Betty Crocker cookbook we've had since the Dark Ages. And "stuff" means dry ingredients in proportion to the liquid he added, which he doesn't measure, he just adds it in using muscle memory and vibes. He also left the chips out of some cookies because that's how he likes them.
I was so confused when my husband cracked up at that in the Claire's video. I honestly thought he had bought his wife some kind of rare, exotic cat to be her companion as they drifted apart.
Nope.
I laughed at my scream.
Then I laughed at the raccoon's face because it was just as surprised as I was.
Then I laughed at the thought of any of my neighbors hearing that particular scream, followed by ridiculous giggling at 6 in the morning.
So I had triples of the laughs this morning, and I am pretty much set for the day. I'm good. No more, please and thank you!
My mother was beautiful, but she died. Ever since then, I like to get stabbed on Mother's Day because it makes me feel something, and because I'm a feral magpie who is easily amused by shiny things.
Now I will have doubles of the earlobes, actually, wait no, I have triples. Triples of the earlobes. Yeah. And doubles of the helixes, on both ears so that's kind of quadruples of the helixes.
To my fellow shirt brothers who don't have their shirt mothers today - for whatever reason - I extend my condolences. plate smash Now, go get something shiny for yourself, and make sure you laugh a lot today. That way, when you look back on your life, and remember all the motherless mother's days, you just see yourself having a good time. You deserve it.