u/_Cosmic_Girl_

My friend was recently physically assaulted by a family member while living in her parents' home after a difficult divorce that I supported her through. While she was in distress, she asked if she and her dog could stay with me for eight days because another abusive family member was coming to stay at her parents' house for a week. I didn't hesitate because I wanted her to be somewhere safe. 

During that week, things happened that have really changed how I see the friendship.

Her dog has severe separation anxiety, which I wasn't warned about beforehand. It cried for ten hours while she was at work, had multiple accidents in my basement that I ended up cleaning, and my cats became so stressed that they started vomiting. I eventually took one to the vet because my cat was losing fur from over-grooming due to stress.

Then, while I was at work on Father's Day, she brought her 17-year-old stepson into my home without asking me.

I had previously told her it would be okay to have "a friend or two over." I agreed because I pictured another adult stopping by while she was home for emotional support and coffee and asking me beforehand because that is a common courtesy I would extend a host. I never imagined she thought bringing a teenager into my house while I wasn't there and letting him go into my very personal spaces was appropriate.

She gave him permission to go into my basement and take my custom Gibson SG off the wall and play it. He also used my stepfather's late father's vintage 1970s 2-prong amp, which I haven't even used because it was last played in the 70s. It was sitting away from the guitars and was not set up in any way to play. This kid played $7000 worth of sentimal equiptment between one amp and a guitar. He moved my keyboard onto my TV console to play it, which means a kid I don't know moved my expensive flat screen TV which resulted in him knocking a photo I have of me and my biological father over. I only have two pictures of my father and they are both on that console. 

Those photos mean a lot to me because I haven't seen my dad in about 18 years, and Father's Day is already an emotionally difficult day for me.

She filmed him playing my instruments and never contacted me to ask if I was comfortable with any of it.

For me, the biggest issue isn't that her stepson touched my belongings. It's that I was never given the opportunity to consent. Every decision was made for me in my own home. If she had texted me and asked, I would have said no. I don't have minors in my home for several reasons, and I definitely wouldn't have agreed to someone I'd never met handling expensive and deeply sentimental belongings while I was away.

I don't regret giving someone a safe place to stay after they had been assaulted. 

What I'm struggling with is feeling like my kindness was met with very little respect for my home, my pets, my belongings, or my boundaries. Between cleaning up after her dog, paying for a vet visit because my cats were so stressed, and finding out that someone I'd never met had been given free access to my home and instruments without my knowledge, I'm questioning whether I can trust her judgment anymore.

Am I overreacting for telling her:

- She is not allowed to stay overnight at my place again

- If she visits, she cannot bring her dog over due to the stress on my cats

I (mid-30s F) recently let a friend stay at my house for a week. Before she arrived, I told her she could have people over. I didn't put any restrictions on that and never said she needed to ask permission first.

During that week, my friend and her dog stayed with me. The dog cries constantly when my friend is away and had two accidents in my basement.

While I was at work, my friend had her teenage stepson come over. I had never met him and wasn't told beforehand. He spent time in my basement playing my piano and a custom Gibson SG guitar that I saved up for as a teenager and is probably the most expensive item I own. The guitar was mounted on the wall and the amp was not set up. My friend later told me she had given him permission to play it.

When she told me, I froze and said it was okay. Looking back, I think I was overwhelmed. I immediately started explaining how surprised I was that he had been there, how valuable the guitar was to me, and that I had no idea he was coming over. Nothing was damaged.

To be clear, I don't think my friend or her stepson had bad intentions. I think we simply have different ideas about what is acceptable when it comes to guests, personal property, and asking permission.

Around the same time, one of my cats vomited twice yesterday and three times today. Three episodes occurred in the basement around the piano and guitar. My other cat developed irritation around both ears and may need a vet visit. I can't prove the cause, but I am confident the overall disruption in the household has affected my cats.

Part of why this hit me hard is that I recently changed medications, Father's Day is difficult for me, and I have a history of feeling like my personal space and belongings weren't always respected. My friend knows all of this.

The only boundary I felt I could realistically set was asking whether her dog could stay somewhere else during an upcoming 10-hour shift because I was overwhelmed and worried about my cats.

When I asked, she got quiet and said she wasn't sure that would work. I don't know if she's upset, but asking felt uncomfortable and the interaction left me feeling like something had shifted.

The argument against me is that I agreed to let her stay, told her she could have people over, and can't prove my cats' symptoms were caused by any specific event.

My view is that my household was already under a lot of stress, and asking for the dog to stay elsewhere for one long shift felt reasonable.

AITA?