u/_hatethinkingofnames

The brainwashing with her is too far gone. She's never going to let go of this shit. She's ruined her life, I can't let her ruin mine.

I'm honestly just so exhausted. I had to walk away from my best friend of twenty years about six months ago after they exhibited a pattern of abuse and disturbing behavior, following some sort of a breakdown they had a few years back, and I discovered they were poisoning people against me and resented me in secret for many years. Walking away from this toxic person came with losing some of my circle, who were weirdly loyal to this friend despite what they were doing, which was heartbreaking. I'm 34 and trying and failing to rebuild new friendships in a new city with my husband who is also facing the loss of some friends as they all move away, etc.

I had one relatively close friend left between all this, who relapsed hard, and over the last year or two has been in a cycle of ghosting me and then hitting me up for money for this and that, long exhausting stories about today's new problem and why they need the money, etc etc, and I love them and want the best for them so I've (when possible)helped them in the past whether it's find information for them online or buy motel rooms etc, throw them money, but I simply cannot afford to help them anymore nor do I feel like being used like this any further... I don't want to pay for friendship. I don't want fake friendship. I'd rather be alone without friends than be treated like a resource you can juice dry and bail on, I'd rather be alone without friends than be susceptible to backstabbing. I'm just done.

I'm so tired of being met with a retort like "everyone does that, though!" or "not being into casual sex is normal" in response to me talking about demisexuality and my experience as someone being demi by folks who... Don't get what I'm saying, lol.

I don't feel sexual attraction to literally anyone until I know them on a very deep level, and I mean, I have to know you very well. Even then it's very difficult for me to feel comfortable with intercourse.

I don't get celebrity crushes or have sexual fantasies about people I don't know intimately. I don't have a type.

I hated dating. I can't flirt.

I am oblivious when someone is attracted to me.

I found out years later after graduating high school that many guys I don't remember ever speaking to had a crush on me, and I didn't have a clue.

Everyone I've ever been with on a romantic level was a friend first.

I had one attempt at a casual encounter and sex didn't happen, we just watched TV and never talked again.

I'm just finally trying to get people to take me serious when I express why I don't think that random actor on TV is hot or why I'm not really into porn without being told I'm boring or I have "catholic guilt" (I'm not catholic) or I'm not sexually liberated enough (idk what that means) or I just have trauma (so?) or my sex drive is low (it's not), blah blah blah, like why does everyone look at this as something I need to fix?

Even someone I considered my best friend, who is queer and champions themself as someone who considers all genders and sexualities valid, made fun of me when they were drunk (said I was just a prude cishet even though they know I've had attraction to people other than men)

I didn't realize until I was older that I didn't experience sexual attraction the same way others did, which used to frustrate people I dated, and myself!

I think the biggest thing people use as a counter to my argument about demisexuality is that I'm married to a man - - who I knew for fifteen years as a friend! I liked him back then, but only developed sexual attraction towards him after years and years and years of talking and friendship and trust building, and we spent a lot of time together when we worked in the same city six years ago where we had a chance to connect deeper. We are regularly intimate but he knows I have to be in a good headspace for it and is very patient and understanding when it comes to it being important that I'm "in the mood".

Also side note, nobody believes me when I say I have autism either, lol. I'm just tired.

1. Said I was smoking in the house when I had the window open in my room and the neighbors were cooking on a charcoal grille

2. Said the house stunk and smelled musty because I was "dirty", no joke. Turns out the source of the smell was the wood rot and mold in the walls due to poor home maintenance as well as expired glue from old furniture in the bedrooms. She never apologized for this

3. Accused me of smoking, again, because I would cough in the middle of the night, because my parents would use my bedroom for storage. My dad put an old amplifier cabinet for a guitar in my room and it had been previously sitting in a basement for thirty years. I was coughing because it was moldy. It gave me hay fever.

4. Accused me of having sex with my best friend at the time (he was gay and out, in a relationship with another guy) because we went for a walk to the fair together

5. Said I was trying to seduce my father when he showed up to my house out of nowhere on a Saturday morning at 7 am and I was like, 13, in basketball shorts and a big tee shirt with no bra on (what I sleep in, during the summer?)

6. Didn't prevent a 20 year old guy from taking advantage of me at 14 and said she "couldn't do anything!!!" when she actively pushed me to hang out with him and would drive me to his house, and refused to change my cell number/intervene at all when I told her he wouldn't leave me alone when I wanted to break up

7. My nsister/golden child, after a fight she started with me out of the blue, broke into the house, assaulted me, strangled me, and took my money (addict), and I called nmom in a panic to tell her what happened thinking she'd come home and help me or something, but no, she was busy and called the police, and had my sister arrested/charged. and then, took my sister's side and believed her nonsense story - - even after my neighbor showed up and saw everything from her yard and told my mother she was crazy - - and now blames me for my sister having a misdemeanor assault charge on her record "because she can't get her gun license now!!!" and I'm like I DIDN'T CALL THE POLICE! YOU DID! I DIDN'T EVEN TALK TO THE COPS! THE NEIGHBOR DID!

8. Asked me, in front of my sister's boyfriend (???) why I shaved my bikini area and was suddenly worried if I was sexually active at 16, when I was a statutory rape victim at 14 and she was fine with it

9. Threatened to break my legs and wire my jaw shut so I couldn't eat any more when I outgrew a pair of fucking jeans. She called me fat because I was 12 and 5'6 and developing and could no longer fit into pants she bought me when I was 10 and 5'0. It's puberty, babe.

I had to block her number back then because she sent me an onslaught of abusive angry "you'll never make it without me!!!!" texts while I was trying to move my shit into my apartment. She never visited me there, and I bought a house with my husband four years ago and she's only been here once but whines that I "abandoned" her and I don't make time for her, like, lady, you never stopped complaining about how I inconvenienced you by living in a closet and paying you rent while I worked six days a week. Make up your mind