u/_ladyluna

TW: tones of abuse

I’m a single mum to a 13-year-old daughter, and the past few weeks have been some of the most confronting experiences I’ve had as a parent.

For some background, my daughter and I have a history of family and domestic violence involving her father. She’s had very little contact with him for years, and I’ve raised her largely on my own.

Until recently, I genuinely believed we had a reasonably good relationship. Not perfect, obviously, but I thought she knew she could come to me when something was wrong.

Over the past month, things have deteriorated significantly.

It started with me discovering inappropriate online conversations with older teenagers, dishonesty about her age, secret accounts and attempts to get around boundaries I’d put in place for her online safety.
Naturally, there were consequences. Devices were restricted, online activity was monitored, and I tried to establish boundaries around honesty, communication and internet safety.

But things escalated beyond anything I anticipated.

My daughter began confiding in a friend’s mother, expressing that she didn’t feel safe at home and didn’t want to return. Eventually, she went to the police and reported that she felt psychologically unsafe in my care.
I’ve since discovered that she’s been carrying some incredibly distressing thoughts and feelings, and that she may have unresolved experiences relating to our past with her father.

And this is where I’m struggling.

I’m not refusing to acknowledge her perspective.
If my daughter genuinely experiences my parenting as controlling, emotionally harmful or psychologically abusive, I want to understand why. I recognise that intention and impact aren’t necessarily the same thing.
But I’m also struggling with being portrayed as an abusive parent when, from my perspective, I’ve been trying to establish reasonable boundaries to protect her.

I’m beginning to realise that she’s learned to keep her emotional struggles hidden from me. Whether that’s because she fears my reactions, doesn’t feel understood, struggles to communicate, or something else entirely, I don’t know yet.

And I don’t want to assume that everything she’s experiencing is because of our past with her father. I recognise that our current relationship may have contributed to how she feels, too.

What makes this particularly difficult is that I’m only now learning how much she’s been carrying internally. She’s been able to express these things to other people, but not to me.

I’m trying to respect her feelings and her need for space while also recognising that avoiding home and avoiding difficult conversations isn’t a long-term solution.
I want her to feel safe with me. I want her to have autonomy, privacy and emotional support. But I also need to remain her parent, establish appropriate boundaries and help her understand accountability.

I’m not looking for people to tell me I’m right and she’s wrong. I’m genuinely trying to understand how to navigate this without dismissing her experiences or abandoning my responsibilities as her mother.

Has anyone experienced their teenager genuinely perceiving them as abusive when they believed they were simply parenting?

How did you distinguish between reasonable boundaries, emotional harm and unresolved trauma?

How did you begin rebuilding trust when your child no longer felt comfortable being emotionally vulnerable with you?

I haven’t sh in 10 years but found myself punching my thighs during an argument recently, and had been happening often this month. And I’ve found it’s an easy release, too easy. I don’t want to fall back into this pit and I don’t really have anyone to speak to who understands sh. I just needed to let someone know and seek advice or facts to help retrain myself to stop

In short, her bio logical father had yeeears of different variations of DV with me. Which has set back a few adulting stages and milestones for me. She knows nothing of the existing history, as I wanted to preserve the relationship with her dad for her. He pretty much stepped away from 50/50 care since the beginning of Covid and hadn’t done much to sustain visiting. My daughter a few years back made the decision to no longer want to keep contact with his capacity of trying.

This year, she’s grown quite mature and things are progressing well for myself, looking at hitting an adult milestone which is special for me. In the thought of wanting to share how awesome this means for me, I wondered if and when I would actually share some history with her about what actually happened and why little things means ALOT more now than they usually would.

I honestly don’t think it would do much to tell her or change anything, but the thought crosses my mind with the thought of keeping it real. Wondered what other’s opinions might be. I know not everything needs to be shared but ya know, looking for a bit of perspective on it