finally ended it with my situationship who has bpd and the sadness is hitting me
having flashbacks rn and i’m realizing that i will never be able to do those things with her again. i will never have the same joyful moments with her, like the time we blew up a condom at my house, or the time we went to guitar center to fool around, the times we’ve sat on the train listening to music together and often laughing about stupid stuff or having deep conversations, the time we went busking on the train, staying at the station to keep playing and later she stayed at my house, the time i stuck my head in the door of the train and got cursed out by randoms, that time i was deathly sick and about to laugh with water in my mouth and spat it back into a glass just for her to drink the mucus-y liquid afterwards by mistake, the times i watched her play with my spastic dog, the time i wasn’t feeling well and she bought me a bottle of water that made me feel better, the time i released a fart on our seat in the train, or the first time we slow danced to “new york, new york” and kissed at the end of the chorus.
i will never get to experience the same comforting moments with her, like the time i saw her scars and tried to comfort her, like the time i lay with my eyes closed on her sofa and she combed her fingers through my hair, or the time i was in trouble after sneaking to her apartment, and she covered up my hickey on the train and made sure i was alright, and let me bury my face into her shoulder. burying my face in her shoulder that day was the best feeling ever. i felt safe and cared for. that was the same night she brought a friend i knew was no good to the dance and i felt weird about it.
i won’t forget the hundreds of times she pressured me. every time she begged for a kiss or hug when i felt it was the wrong place and time. every “not here-” and “not now-” i said. every time we ended up doing stuff when i wasn’t horny in the first place and i ended up late to where i needed to be, or missing something i needed to do. every time i turned my face away from a kiss and got begged for one. every time i was begged for “one more kiss” when i had to go. the time i didn’t go down on her and i got an attitude and i was ignored on the train, and she refused to tell me what her problem was.
i won’t forget every conflict. the time she got angry with me for making a joke. the times she’s been angry with me for apparently not communicating. the times she’s been angry with me for no known reason. the times she was angry with me for saying i won’t beg her to tell me things if she says she’s ok. the time i found out that she did the exact thing i was reassured about. the time i found out she did even more after profusely apologizing in a seemingly sincere way. the times she had me scribbling nonsense in a notebook late at night, cursing her out, crying to my mother, crying in class, confused and enraged. those times she’s broke my trust, my perspective, my mind, and my heart.
even though these were just a few moments that i felt the happiest, she was the same person giving me my worst moments of violence and pain. that is why i have to learn to let go of her. the same person making me feel so joyful and vulnerable cannot also be the person making me the most furious and hostile. with her, no good times come without terrible times. she really messed up multiple times and i didn’t notice how unhealthy her personality patterns were. i really should have known earlier. i wish none of this could have happened. i wish we could at least be best friends. but we can’t, because she changed me so bad, and i will never be able to view her in the same pure way that i did before i noticed her bad choices.
last night i had a dream that i was looking for her on the train. i walked through the train cars, passing through the doors in between. my first time going in between the train cars was with her. anyways the train stopped and i saw her get off, and i ran up the steps to see her. when my eyes met hers, her face lit up- a very familiar feeling to me. i ran to her and gave her a huge hug- the type of run and jump hug she told me she loved from me. she buried her face in my neck like she always did, and i felt her lips graze my neck like they always did. my face was resting on her shoulder, and i could smell the cotton of her shirt and feel the cloth on my cheek. i felt like i had returned home. all i really want is one last hug like that. and i think all i really wanted was to make up. waking up was so hard, i couldn’t barely open my eyes because i slept so deeply, and i was all fucked up in the morning. this isn’t my first “hug make-up dream”. ive had dreams like this with my other exes that i haven’t made up with. it’s weird.
i don’t know what to do in the future with her but i’m trying to just focus on now. man, i miss her when i know i shouldn’t. it’s just hard to let go, but i know that i need to.