u/adulescens

Im so sorry, I should have let you live as a normal bird. I was young and you were beautiful. You probably never got to have baby birds and if you did I probably took you from them. We put you in a little cage until you died of a seizure. You lived for years inside. I feel so horrible even though there were with other birds. I cherished you because you were the last thing I had from my dad, not because you were a living thing, and I’m so so so sorry.

Every fucking day I’m woken up in the most unpleasant way. The creaky door, something dropping loud in the room, slamming doors, screaming. Never am I ever told “sorry for waking you up”. Never does the door get fixed (I don’t know how). And no one cares that they’re screaming or slamming doors. Or it’s complete random bullshit that doesn’t need to happen when I’m sleeping. Sometimes it’s the smell of strong ISO filling up the room and making me think I’m dying. Or knocking hard on the door to wake me up just to tell me to turn MY fans off in 90 deg weather so you can do some bullshit that “needs to happen right now”. This is not fucking normal and Im tired of everyone thinking it is. Oh and don’t break into my room when I’m sleeping just to force my vent to not have any air coming though, just cause you suspected that I messed with it because it’s hot as hell.

I ask for help, I voice my needs, I try hard where I can. I don’t get help and I’m paused. It’s been a long time, and things are breaking. Im slowly losing the energy and dedication I had. I need more than “Im here for you”. Here by my side telling me I’m not doing anything. I’m trying to survive. I’m trying to learn how to regulate myself. I’m learning new hobbies that I don’t have the funds for. I’m cleaning our mess. I listen to your day and actually listen and care. I don’t do this for you particularly. I do it because I care. How much do you care? You see me completely burnt out and think it’s time to complain about everything I’ve ever done, and everything I haven’t. You’re not the only one that treats me like this, that I’ve gone to for help. It feels like people think I just want things for free. I want to be apart of my own happiness. But it’s always “I can’t do it for you” and never “then let’s sit down and solve this”. Support is not sitting down in the same room while I make a phone call. It’s giving me the words I need to advance in an important conversation. It’s telling me what time I can make appointments because you’re my ride. It’s a simple “hey I’m going to go brush my teeth, would you like to join?”. Im sorry if thats much and I’m being impractical. Im just so sick of hearing “I can’t do it for you” when thats never what I wanted. If I got help when I was a teen then I would have learned this stuff already, but thats in the past and I can’t change that. Everyone has to start somewhere, and it’s not my fault the adults in my life were shitty. But somehow I’m getting punished for their failure to teach.