u/agniamneris

I know they’re pathological liars, but why do they lie about the most meaningless things? Like you could have told the truth and it would have made literally no difference.

Here’s an example. I’m NC with my mom, and I recently heard through the grapevine that she “rehomed my dog to me.”

The truth is: he was never “rehomed.” He was always going to be my dog. There was an agreement before we got him that he was my responsibility and should I move out he was going with me. Her only major contribution was paying the deposit (after taking my stimulus check) and my now husband paid the rest when we decided to move in together while waiting for the new pup to come home. Oh and I guess some puppy stuff he quickly grew out of, a crate, and some pee pads.

All of his papers and info have been in my name. I’ve been the only one taking him to all of his appointments, the only one to train him, all of that. She wouldn’t even take him out in the mornings like she said she would, and called me lazy for it when I called her out on it (after I would spend the nights waking up and taking the puppy out in subzero temperatures.)

I know it’s stupid to be so bothered by this lie; it’s not hurting anyone and it ultimately doesn’t matter. But it’s the fact that it doesn’t matter that makes it so… frustrating? It’s like if you can so flippantly lie about something so dumb, you can just lie about anything right? It’s also not like it makes her look like a better person either, it just makes her look like a person who keeps getting animals just to rehome them, so why even lie? Idk.

Anybody else had this happen? Why do they even do this?

I’ll try and not make this too long.

I live about a 6 hour drive away from the majority of my family now. I’ve been invited to two events so far that I ended up not going to. There will be more in the near future.

I don’t have much of a relationship with my family, mainly due to my interactions with them being dictated by my mom, until we moved across the country when I was 14, we didn’t visit them and no one visited us. Many of them I haven’t seen until I was 25. I recall many times as a kid where I felt like an outcast, and I was able to recognize even then that a lot of it had to do with the relationship dynamics between the adults (as in, my nmom and their parents.) So it’s already kind of awkward for me having to feel like I have to be the one to put forth the effort of hanging out with them outside of my mom.

On top of that, my nmom lives there now, and has been since I went NC with her. Naturally, I’m expecting invitations being extended to her as well. As far as I know, only my grandma (who’s leaning on the enabler side) and one of my aunts (who has honestly proven to be a wildcard at this point) know about this and the reasons why. I haven’t spoken to anyone else about it, so I have no idea if they know, or they heard a skewed telling of the story.

I have loads of justifiable excuses not to make it, but once again it feels like my mom is dictating who I interact with, and she’s not even in my direct sphere anymore. There not even a guarantee that she attends.

How do I navigate these events on the off chance she does show up, whether I’m alone or my husband’s with me? How do I keep things cordial, but not give my mom the impression that we’re “cool” and all is forgiven? How do I pivot if she starts to act that way? How do I explain to family that has picked up on it what’s going on, without making a spectacle out of my mom or myself?

I’ll provide some examples of what I’m talking about.

1. I got “kicked out” of my mom’s house during the holidays.

Reason: I was “packing up the trash wrong.”

The real reason: I called her out for hogging all of a visiting family member’s time after my kid sister started crying about it.

2. My mom (loudly, traumatically) kicked out my visiting 17y.o cousin when I was 15.

Reason: she and I had a short spat over a video game that quickly resolved.

The real reason: my cousin made an offhand remark of our finances after seeing our newly furnished apartment. She did not call her out on it then.

3. She completely crashed out at me and threatened to drop out a week before my wedding, resulting in people dropping out and setting me up to have the worst week ever.

Reason: my aunt didn’t have a room at the venue. It was common knowledge that my aunt was getting a hotel offsite.

The real reason: aside from not wanting me to marry my husband? Probably after she paid for my brothers’ accommodation offsite (she demanded the money back in the same crashout.) There was already an understanding that we would cover whatever wedding costs she couldn’t before she made the purchase.

Anyone else have an nparent or caretaker that did this, letting the real reason they’re upset slide only to use it as justification to go postal for something minor, petty, or even unfounded? Why not just go off about the thing you’re really mad about when it happens? At least you make more sense…