u/alohaesmee

desc here! ⬇️ (any comments, help or anything at all is SO appreciated!!!!!)

the idealised version of myself is much more confrontational, but also sweeter and more bubbly and warm. but that doesnt necessarily mean im non confrontational, mean, boring and cold because im not. i already own the traits of my idealised self, theyre just much weaker. i only straightforwardly confront people im comfortable with, which is like...one person. i am sweet and bubbly somewhat, but you have to be someone i like to see that. i am warm, but i can come across cold to people who i dont know very well or dont trust.

i get very ashamed with myself whenever i mess things up for myself. when my mind pulls something out that makes me miserable for the next few days, when i get people mad at me for saying something backhanded or easily misinterpreted, things like that. it feels like i lack being able to verbally express things on the spot

i move forward in life for two things, 1.what i love, and 2.for my future dream. this past year i finally discovered what i actually think my purpose is, now it lingers in me 24/7, but in a good way ^^ i consider it when making every decision. then ofcourse, the things i love! my pets, my friends even though i dont really have any, my family, my house, my favourite foods and drinks and places and youtubers and just everything i cherish

the way i react towards criticism can really differ on how its given to me. if someone actually goes by the more aggressive definition of criticism and gives it to me in an angry, yell-ish way i will improve what they ask of me, but they have totally lost my trust, they will get it back when they do an action that truly makes my day, like complimenting me or just doing anything to show that they trust or like me. if its given to me sweeter and more gentle parenting, i will probably think higher of the person, but unfortunately im less likely to follow their advice😓

its usually rare that someone heavily dislikes me because i dont pull many actions for someone to think so low of me unless its someone like my mom, but i hate when people dislike me. like i said with the criticism thing, my reactions are different based off the way that they show the dislike, but usually i just match whatever they do, unless theyre asking for a fight or smth like that😭 in times like that its better to be the more mature one

the relationship with my maternal figure is, id say pretty good! shes very lenient, forgiving, empathetic and helpful. if i had to name her negative traits, id say she can be unjust, hypocritical and victimising. she is an amazing figure in my life, however as good of a parent as she is, i feel like she brought me up maybe a little careless of real life teachings? such as hygiene, cooking, diet, health, things like that, so i kinda had to learn those myself. well, she absolutely does care about me in those aspects, she just doesnt take action. she says things that she doesnt commit to very often which can be misleading.

the relationship with my paternal figure is different. i absolutely adore him, and look up to him a lot. he is confrontational, confident, joyous and SO funny, however as much as i love him, growing up with him made me forced to have an image of him that makes his negatives more important. he is also lying, angry, stubborn and lacks almost any empathy unless he has gone through the exact same situation as you. everyone in my house was intimidated by him, i truly wasnt, but the rest of my family rubbed that impression off onto me, which meant any large mistake he made (e.g. cheating👀) didnt make me love him any less, but it forced me to be more awkward with him.

heres a description of me, type me!!! <3

to people im not comfortable with, i come across as very shy, quiet and sometimes maybe a little cold or rude because i overthink things to the point where i believe people will judge me for basic manners. but, if you get to know me or youre extremely close with me and i feel comfortable with you, im the most annoying, loud, bubbly person youll maybe ever meet.

i think enneagram can be very difficult because of how strict it can be, when figuring out your enneagram you have to ask yourself questions like 'whats my biggest fear?' 'what do i want?' things like that, but its sooo hard for me because there isnt just one answer! i dont have one biggest fear, i dont have just one thing i want, etc. i think this is why i struggle to find it out so much.

in my opinion, i think my biggest flaw is that im just really sick of myself😭 i definitely dont show it externally too much, but like sometimes just the little things that i do annoy me, like the way i talk, some aspects of my physical appearance, how i act, just really random things about myself can really bug me and for whatever reason i cant change them no matter what i do. they dont make me angry but a lot of the time i wish i wasnt the way i was, but i also couldnt see me being anyway else and being comfortable?

i have social anxiety, so obviously between shame, fear and anger im gonna be the most likely to feel fear the most often out of the three, but i dont think that determines much because my anxiety doesn't contribute to my enneagram. whilst studying enneagram, ive picked up on that im quite shameful towards myself but ive never noticed myself feelong that way, so i was thinking maybe that maybe that means its unconscious? really random, but whenever i get asked what superpower i could have, i always say time control, and my reasoning is because i could go back in time and fix past mistakes, making me happier and stronger today. but, the thing is, when i think of the things id go back and fix, lots of them werent MY fault that they happened, yet i still kinda, i guess, put it on me? does that make sense? idk

im surprisingly not very different when in long term stress! i would just say i maybe become more sensitive, but other than that, i come across almost exactly the same as i normally would. short term stress is very different tho, short term stress is much more prominent in me externally than long term stress is, with short term stress im likely to withdraw verbally, it feels like i just forget that talking is a necessity because i become even more in my head than i already am, and i lose interest in what i usually cherish more than anything, and im much more prone to irritation by things

to say im not really ever coming across as a people person, making other people laugh is like...my fav thing ever. i dont have many friends anymore, but when i did have true friends, i was always the funniest one because im pretty quick thinking, meaning jokes can come to me quickly! i made everybody laugh and it totally energised me more than, as of now and with what i know, anything else!

in my childhood i grew up with my family doing and saying things that led me to think that one of my parents was overly intimidating, so as ive grown up, any trust that parent had betrayed had led to my comfort being heavily reset with them, meaning one of my parents doesnt know me as well as the other, which sucks because i love them so so much and we share a very similar personality in multiple aspects. i love impressing this parent and making them laugh, it feels like a secret pass to grow closer ^^

random description here! :

it took me a long time to figure out what i really wanted for my life😓 mostly a struggle career wise, because nothing felt right for me personally as i would try think about multiple possibilities for my future but it all felt weirdly vibed or wrong, but i managed to find one pathway that felt right and now i finally have a strong passion for what i want and im determined to go for it, even if i mess myself up and procrastinate which is like, all the time

i HATE passive aggressive humour, when people try to be funny but it just feels like they're humiliating you, ofcourse everyone does it sometimes, but i mean people who are always doing it. my dad does it a lot of the time, and when it happens i try talk to him as little as possible out of annoyance until he does or says something to show to me that hes being 'normal' again. its really corny but i try to secretly flip him off or roll my eyes when hes not looking😭

i LOVE when people get to know me. im very shy to people i dont know, but soo annoying and loud and energetic to people im comfortable with, and people rarely try to get to know me on the comfort level, so i love being asked questions about silly things like my favourite songs, fav shows, dumb 'what would you do if ...' sort of questions, theyre just so enjoyable to answer

my favourite negative trait of mine is actually my prone to overthinking and doubting things, i think its such a blessing in disguise!! it causes me to be much more observant than others which i love, and it stops me from messing up as much. lots of the people around me hate how anxious i am, and in a way i do too, but i wouldve made sooo many more bad decisions without it, so i thank it for that!

(these are only some aspects of me, im much more than this i pinky swear, i just didnt wanna write too much cause thatd be a pain to read)

in relationship, more so friendships, i naturally avoid being verbally affectionate. everytime i try to be kind with words it sounds fake or forced and it really embarrasses me when it happens. even if i do love someone so deeply and passionately, i cant just give them words that show that out of the blue. im much better at doing it through text, which is why my closest friends usually get shocked when maybe im giving them advice or comfort through text, or when i put up a happy birthday post about them sharing how i feel about them.

one of my absolute favourite feelings in the world is getting what i want when i work for it, but even though i love this feeling, it doesnt come to me often because im a heavy procrastinator. when i want to get out of something, its like my mind suddenly just becomes sooo strategic to finding a way to avoid it, but still without earning a nasty punishment from it. im only really a hard worker when i have a strict deadline and a clear, non wanted punishment.

im surprisingly not very different when in long term stress! i would just say i maybe become more sensitive, but other than that, i come across almost exactly the same as i normally would. short term stress is very different tho, short term stress is much more prominent in me externally than long term stress is, with short term stress im likely to withdraw verbally and i lose interest in what i usually cherish more than anything, and im much more prone to irritation by things

im one to blame myself but in a very hidden way. ive thought about how i act when things go wrong or a mistake is made, and ive picked up on that a huge thought i get is 'if only i had done this instead of that' or 'ugh why did i do that' which when i say it here on text, sounds like such straightforward, easily noticeable blame on myself, but it feels so much less like that in my mind for some reason which probably, maybe means its unconscious for me? not sure!

hi everyone! ive been doing research and studying all about enneagrams and bruh why it so hard💔 um im gonna put some descriptions of myself after i finish typing this that are probably useful for enneagram so if anyone has any advice for me thatd be very much appreciated <3

stomach drops, loss of appetite, weight on chest, disinterested in things i normally adore doing. blowing up with anger = bottling things up too much, but trying to get better at not taking this feeling out so unhealthily when it happens (thankfully it very very rarely happens). crying when angry = feel bad for whatever i let anger out on. anxiety spiraling = something triggering a worrying feeling or thought for my future. feeling sorry for myself = when things are going awesome but takes a giant turn for the worst, or when things are alreasy bad and get even worse
'i dont deserve this' -> 'i did nothjng to get punished' -> 'this isnt fair'
daydream or distract myself with noise so like tv, youtube, tiktok, etc.
(about my most recent conflict experience) trigger = have no voice or value, being controlled slyly and quietly. shame thought = 'ugh i shouldve just \_\_\_ rather than \_\_\_'. helplessness thought = 'i cant wait until \_\_\_ so i can be taken more seriously' . action = showing the controller/s how i feel, whilst still avoiding any new drama
oh also i have really bad social anxiety which can get in the way of yk...basically everything important for figuring out enneagram

im definitely not e5 thats literally all i know man, but yesyes any advice or help is sooooo appreciated but i feel like nobody is gonna comment

hi everyone! ive been doing research and studying all about enneagrams and bruh why it so hard💔 um im gonna put some descriptions of myself after i finish typing this that are probably useful for enneagram so if anyone has any advice for me thatd be very much appreciated <3

stomach drops, loss of appetite, weight on chest, disinterested in things i normally adore doing. blowing up with anger = bottling things up too much, but trying to get better at not taking this feeling out so unhealthily when it happens (thankfully it very very rarely happens). crying when angry = feel bad for whatever i let anger out on. anxiety spiraling = something triggering a worrying feeling or thought for my future. feeling sorry for myself = when things are going awesome but takes a giant turn for the worst, or when things are alreasy bad and get even worse
'i dont deserve this' -> 'i did nothjng to get punished' -> 'this isnt fair'
daydream or distract myself with noise so like tv, youtube, tiktok, etc.
(about my most recent conflict experience) trigger = have no voice or value, being controlled slyly and quietly. shame thought = 'ugh i shouldve just ___ rather than ___'. helplessness thought = 'i cant wait until ___ so i can be taken more seriously' . action = showing the controller/s how i feel, whilst still avoiding any new drama
oh also i have really bad social anxiety which can get in the way of yk...basically everything important for figuring out enneagram

im definitely not e5 thats literally all i know man, but yesyes any advice or help is sooooo appreciated but i feel like nobody is gonna comment