u/atlaspsych21

I posted a few days ago about being super burnt out and hopeless, and in some ways I still feel that way. But! In the name of doing my therapy skills, I wanted to share a win that I am actually proud of myself for! I experience a TON of anxiety pretty much all the time, but especially when I feel scrutinized, put on the spot, or am made to defend my actions, thoughts, or decisions. Today, in a clinician group I’m in (I’m a clinical psych doc resident), I had to share about a tenuous patient situation for which I need help and don’t have the answers. I had to explain the situation, my reactions, and ask for help. The group is full of doctors who are much more skilled than me and I can sometimes feel intimidated by them. Instead of shrinking back and running out of the room like I wanted to, I explained the situation, shared my thoughts, asked for feedback, and received feedback. Even while my face and chest and neck were bright red and I was breaking out in anxiety hives. I was feeling shame and fear and having the urge to hide. But instead, I made myself vulnerable and open.

I am actually proud of myself. And I’m usually never proud of myself. So I just wanted to share how useful this skill was for me. Maybe it could be beneficial for my fellow OCPDers on this sub too. :)

I’m so tired. I feel like my OCPD and BPD symptoms have been getting worse and worse as my job (clinical psych doc intern at a hospital outpatient clinic) gets more hectic. My notes are piling up, and my program has a strict policy that notes must be completed in a timely manner or I could be “disciplined”, meaning that it would go on my record as a strike against my competency. It’s just that I feel like I have to write down every single thing my patients say because it all seems important and I don’t want to miss anything, but then I’m left with tons of notes built up because my books of text are hard to condense.

On top of this, I’m having to learn how to teach therapies in group sessions, and the performance aspect is exhausting. Plus I have like 4 supervisors who are constantly scrutinizing my work. I planned to get up at 5:45am every morning to work on my dissertation before going to work (which are 9-10 hr days in office, no breaks, bc most lunches are “working lunches” , and those hrs don’t count the ones I spend trying to finish notes or prep for group sessions at home🫩) but I haven’t been, and I feel so ashamed and defeated.

Amidst the stress, I feel like I’m on this wave of intense emotion and anything can set off waves of apathy, aggravation to the point where I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin, or thoughts of harm to myself. And then I have to go to work, to a job I’m so grateful for, and be heavily scrutinized and take care of people and pretend like I’m mentally healthy enough to do so. I want to stop feeling so anxious and disappointed in myself. I want my emotions to even out. I’m just really tired, because I’ve been feeling this way for years.

Hello everyone!

I am a mental health professional with the diagnoses assigned in my flair. Today, I found out that my clinical supervisor at work completed his dissertation on OCPD, and my other supervisors are BPD experts. This is the scary part of working in the mental health field while suffering from several fairly stigmatized disorders! I feel so hypervigilant -- my brain is already trying to 'not act like myself' when I'm at work and around my supervisors. Because I will be involved in clinical supervision, things get personal sometimes when personal things influence patient care. I, of course, do not plan to disclose my diagnoses at all, but still, I am worried that some of my symptoms will make themselves obvious.

I know that not being me/not being authentic is not a good strategy even though it is what I want to do. Any ideas on how to manage my anxiety around feeling vulnerable to exposure?

im wondering if anyone else feels this and how you deal with it.

Basically, when my husband is upset or depressed, i feel dysregulated, unsure, anxious, and personally unsteady in myself and in my perception of our relationship. I become really intent on helping him feel better, but I know that part of the reason why I do that is to alleviate my own anxiety, which is not good and can lead to me becoming angry at him for not feeling better. I really don’t like that about myself and want to change it. but I feel like my regulation techniques and reframing are only partially helpful, probably because I am spending a lot of time mentally beating myself up for having a flaw. I wish I could stop my severe relationship anxiety while also just altruistically helping him feel better. I wish I didn’t get so upset when he is feeling upset. if y’all have similar experience, what helps?

im wondering if anyone else feels this and how you deal with it.

Basically, when my husband is upset or depressed, i feel dysregulated, unsure, anxious, and personally unsteady in myself and in my perception of our relationship. I become really intent on helping him feel better, but I know that part of the reason why I do that is to alleviate my own anxiety, which is not good and can lead to me becoming angry at him for not feeling better. I really don’t like that about myself and want to change it. but I feel like my regulation techniques and reframing are only partially helpful, probably because I am spending a lot of time mentally beating myself up for having a flaw. I wish I could stop my severe relationship anxiety while also just altruistically helping him feel better. I wish I didn’t get so upset when he is feeling upset. if y’all have similar experience, what helps?

hi everyone.

when moving here for a job in the medical district, my husband and I chose to rent a more expensive place in the medical district rather than a less expensive place in the Davis ranch area due to the drive time estimations (Google Maps and most of yall online were saying that it would be an hr at least to get into town from Davis ranch). However, since moving here, the drive time between the medical district and the neighborhood in Davis Ranch we were looking at has been, at the most, about half an hour, even during peak rush hours.

I’m confused about the drastic change. Is is momentary, due to the summer or something? Will things revert back to the estimations I was getting in April? It takes me 14-17 mins to get to work now — adding a few more mins doesn’t seem bad, especially if we are able to save $500 living in a larger space.

Is this change for real? Or is it just momentary, depending on other factors?

hi everyone.

I was recently diagnosed with BPD without it being discussed beforehand with my psychiatrist & without explanation. her diagnosis directly disagrees with my previous psychologist’s psych evaluation and diagnosis ( OCPD with BPD traits). I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m frustrated because I think she’s wrong, I’m frustrated because she didn’t talk to me about it, and I’m frustrated that I can’t talk to her about it (she diagnosed me in literally her termination note). I’ve been ruminating over the “right way” to respond and having a hard time sorting out my feelings.

it is definitely true that there is a black hole where my identity/sense of self should be. so much of what I do revolves around how to maintain safety and equilibrium in the current moment. Ive realized many times that I don’t know my likes and dislikes about certain things, because I’m just focused on what “works” in the moment and will create the least opposition and scrutiny. when people do things I disagree with, I rarely challenge them, and will even momentarily change my beliefs. this results in me not really knowing who I am, and that hurts my relationships. I’m wondering if anyone with OCPD also experiences identity problems, and how you handle them.

hey yall! i’ve been diagnosed with ocpd and bpd traits for awhile (I put bpd in my flair bc it was already long and I didn’t want to type out “bpd traits”). my psychologist didn’t diagnose me w/ full bpd because she thought my symptoms extended from my ocpd rather than from true bpd. I‘ve gone back and forth on whether or not I have it, and think I definitely don’t meet criteria now (I’m a mental health professional and have extensive knowledge about personality disorders). well, I just found out that my psychiatrist (who I‘ve seen every 2-3 months for about 10 months) added bpd to my official diagnosis list w/o having a conversation with me. i am pretty annoyed, to be honest. I understand that therapeutically, nothing is going to change. But I am worried about extra stigma. I am also just confused about what she’s observed that she feels makes me qualify for the diagnosis. I’d love to hear from those of you with BPD & ocpd about your personal experiences i guess for solidarity and observation, I guess? And I think this is a bit of a rant too.

So I’m doing this study. super complex, not much research on the topic in the field, multiple hypotheses.

nearly every one was proven incorrect. I feel that the results are in total opposition to the literature we have. we went back and checked all analyses. they were correctly conducted. there’s something to be said about our moral injury scale sucking, which I’m placing a lot of hope in, but I have serious concerns about justifying the results and of this is even publishable anymore. plus, I just feel stupid and worried that myself and my colleague drastically misunderstood the literature and concepts. I’m struggling with this and looking for insight from more seasoned researchers on how to process the disappointment and embarrassment.