u/baconadelight

In all my years of therapy, I still don't know how to discern the difference. I feel alone when he's right there. I can talk to him but there are no actual conversations. He tells me he loves me but I don't feel it, and I don't know if it's me or him. He feels miles away from me at all times even when I'm trying to bridge the distance.

The flair doesn't describe well enough. Kinda venting, kinda hoping for some advice that doesn't berate me or tell me it's all my fault.

It is so frustrating how they show me they can in the beginning, that they are capable of these things, only to watch their part deteriorate over the period of our relationship, while watching me take more and more on by myself.

Apologies, this is long.

We play video games together. Usually for a few hours a day on his 3 days off. No big deal. I was under the impression that this was quality time for us because we've been together for almost 5 years and this is how we spend our time together mainly. Sometimes we take walks or bike rides, but most of the time its video games because he is very fatigued after working. I don't see this as too big of a deal because I am disabled and do what little exercise I can do while he works so I'm not cutting into our time together.

We got into an argument last Sunday. He was tired after 2 hours of playing games with me and took a nap while I continued to play on our game world so I could find us resources while he was sleeping(it's palworld, in case anyone needs to know and it's just us). He gave me a list of things to find. No big deal.

He takes naps daily so it's not unusual for me to have 2-4 hours of alone time while he's home.

3 hours later he wakes up, I'm collecting resources still. He questioned when he looked at the map (I left markers where we could find valuable resources) that I went out without him which leaves me flabbergasted, (I thought that was what I supposed to be doing) and then he becomes silent for about an hour, saying nothing before getting up off the couch in a way that I know he's angry and leaving. It's been 5 years, I know when he's angry.

Not wanting to deal with it because i know he's going to be mad when he comes back, I log off and go upstairs to our bedroom to read and wait for him so that we can talk about what happened. This is usually what I do when we have a communication break down. Please keep in mind I don't know everything word for word that we said because I started to disassociate because I have BPD and I'm actively working on controlling myself through therapy and coping skills. Yes, I am in therapy.

So instead of coming up and talking however, he decides to get angry about me wanting to talk.

He asked me why I came up the stairs.

I told him that I thought he was angry and that we both needed space.

He said he was tired of waiting for me to be done gathering resources and went outside to water the garden (it's 3 pm and bright and sunny, and he has consistently told me not to water the garden until dusk or it would sunburn the plants), and then asked me why I would just stop playing.

I said I left because he did.

He said he was coming right back in but he was gone for over 30 minutes so I didn't know he was coming right back in. He has a habit of leaving when he is too angry to talk. At this point he is actively getting louder and I'm responding by going into what I like to call inactive mode. The point right before I disassociate.

I said he left without saying anything and I told him I'm not a mind reader. (At this point I'm fully disassociated so I'm not looking at him anymore. From here on out I'm doing my best to recall our argument so I'm sorry if this looks like it doesn't make much sense.)

He then gets really angry and starts "quiet yelling" about things I can't understand. Then he comes back into our room and actually yells (confirmed because we talked about this last night and he apologized for lying that I he didn't say this, and apologized for saying it because he knows that saying stuff like that was actively used to hurt me for years in my past relationships), "so fuck me then right? I only get a few days to play video games and you ruined it thanks a lot."

He goes off to throw his phone and throw his books and then tells me to "fuck off and leave him alone" (he denies saying this and called me a gaslighter for bringing it up). Then he goes down stairs, throws some things around, goes outside, breaks some stuff in our garage, drops his phone on the couch, comes back inside, takes the keys to our only car, and leaves for hours.

So I put his notifications on silent and did exactly what he told me to do. I grabbed my bike, fucked off, and left him alone. When I came back home he was already in bed asleep.

Fast forward; the next morning (yesterday morning) he didn't wake me up like he usually does before work to say good bye, so I took offense to that and left him alone all day yesterday. Was it petty? Absolutely.

So he comes back from work. Pissed that I ignored him all day and after several minutes of pleading with him to just talk to me, I finally got him into talking about what happened. He said he was angry that I went off without him but then admitted that he shouldn't have been because he was acting petty (his words) and went off to explore while leaving me at base to find eggs because he was jealous that I had a Pal he didn't have.

He denied ever telling me to fuck off and leave him alone, denied that he had told me I ruined his day, and called me a gaslighter. He says that he checks up on me every hour and that I don't ever do the same for him and it hurts him.

For context I have been in 2 past abusive relationships, he knows this. One where if I even dared to say anything to him while he was at work he would get violently angry, and one where if I wasn't text him at least every 10 minutes of the day I was accused of cheating or worse, and I made this clear to my boyfriend when we started our relationship that I don't text often because of it. Usually I will check in with him at his break time. He never said anything about this and I was under the impression that he was okay with this, up until this fight.

Frustrated with the circle, trying not to split, I changed the subject. I asked him why he was so angry and he told me it's because I went out in the game doing things without him.

I told him that's what he wanted me to do.

We go back and forth about it until he finally says something along the lines of you don't ever pay attention to me because you're always doomscrolling on your phone. This is partly true. I do spend a lot of time, reading books not scrolling, but I don't tell him this, on my phone.

What I do tell him is that most of the time when I try to talk to him, he just ignores me, which is also true. I explained to him that it's not all the time but it is a lot of the time, that he just doesn't interact with me while I'm trying to talk with or spend time with him, so I just go do something else.

The daily work week routine goes like this:

He comes home from work, we sit down on the couch together, I pack us a bowl or roll up a joint, he turns on his computer and TV and puts on video and we smoke together. I try to talk to him about his day, my day, the weather, the video hes watching, anything, but most of the time he just ignores me talking to him in favor of the TV. I can't get him to say more than a few sentences at a time so I give up. Okay, no big deal though. I'm used to being alone.

Unfortunately I am mistaken. I thought he just wants to decompress after work, so I either go to make dinner or go to my own TV and watch my own things because I don't get interested in some of the stuff he watches (mainly meme eels or other short form content, and I like long form content).

About an hour later he will ask to smoke again and I try to talk again but I get very little out of him and go back to do my own things. He then gets tired, takes a 2-3 hour nap. Wake up, repeat the cycle until bed time for him. I come to bed later because I still have chores to do and since I'm an insomniac anyway I might as well clean something. He knows this.

This apparently makes him feel invisible. He told me last night that all I do is ignore him and I told him that he also ignores me and I explain to him that it hurts me, but that I understand that he's tired and just wants to go into the nothing box (iykyk). That seemed to smack him in the face because he went silent for a while until he apologized, explained that he's just too tired to talk after work, and told me not to let him get like that anymore.

The question I want to ask him: Why is it my responsibility to make sure he communicates with me? I just don't know how to ask him without starting a fight.

What can be done here? I know this is communication break down. It's like this every single fight we have. We don't fight often. May like 3 times a year, if that. I am trying so hard not to break the peace while trying to make my own need for emotional intimacy small enough that its easy for him to handle (I was much needier in the beginning of our relationship because of my BPD), only to find out that apparently I'm the one who's the problem because I'm the one who's ignoring him and also not making him pay attention to me.

TLDR; My boyfriend says I ignore him too much but won't communicate with me, then wants to throw all the emotional labor of our relationship on me and I don't know how to tell him that it's not right for me to do all the emotional labor, without starting another fight.

Thanks for reading.

I am so tired.

This is specific, and I’m not sorry about it.

A mom friend of mine has decided to homeschool their kid. Okay. Cool! More power to homeschoolers if you can do it effectively but her 14 year old child can’t even read basic sentences. They should be in the last year of middle school, or first year of high school and the kid is still struggling with basic reading, basic comprehension, and basic math. The kid is spending a few weeks time with me doing extracurricular summer activities we call “homesteading skills”; it’s stuff I’m experienced enough to teach in my state without certification. They’re a great kid. No trouble paying attention and is very polite, but my gods…

You want me to teach your kid how to bake and cook but they can’t read or do basic math. Recipes and formulas are fundamental.

You want me teach your kid how to make soap and other skincare products but they don’t understand the metric system. Weights are the standard of measurement for formulas.

You want me to teach your kid to fish but your kid can’t read the DNR regulations book. Every body of water is different and they use charts and graphs to tell you what regulations apply to what bodies of water and if you can’t read a chart to follow the regulations on that specific body of water, and you’re caught breaking regulations, the DNR can revoke your kids fishing license and mine.

You want me to teach your kid how to take care of chickens and cows but your kid can’t do the math to mix the rations, and don’t understand the 3 units on the scale to mix TMR.

You want me to teach your kid firearm safety and how to hunt, but they can’t read a graph to take apart a rifle and don’t understand how bullet gauge works. Not to mention, they can’t read a map and if they don’t understand the basic functions of a map, how are they supposed to know where to find public land to hunt?

Fuck all if I can get them to read an auxiliary clock. It’s 12 numbers, 3 hands, and 24 hours. How is it hard? I learned this is 3rd grade.

I am just astounded.

These are math and reading skills that my own kid was taught to be efficient in, in a public elementary school, but homeschooler mom has the nerve to try and drag those of us who have public school educated kids who can actually READ. Why? If you’re having trouble, it’s time to get help from people who went to school to teach your kids.

Parents, I’m begging you. If you want to homeschool your kids, then make sure you’re actually teaching them. That’s not my job. That’s not the job of the tablet you give your kid. Fundamentals are not skills that “come naturally” because you think that every kid will read and write when they’re ready. You have to actually school your kids when you’re homeschooling.