u/bananapancakesforone

For those of you whose fathers or stepfathers have endured decades of abuse and stayed, I'd like to know what they are like.

My mom hasn't spoken to me in 1.5 years and I have no idea why. Must have been some imaginary perceived insult or rejection I suppose...

My dad likes to pretend everything is fine when she is abusing both of us. We used to go to therapy together to understand why she was acting the way she did. Once I figured out it was straight up abuse and told him to leave her, he said to mind my own business. This was a decade ago.

He pretends like she isn't NC with me. When he wishes me happy bday he writes "from all of us" (lol). He knows he needs to delete my texts in his WhatsApp because he knows if she reads them, she will rage at him. He won't call me on the phone (once every 4 months or so) when she's at home. But everything is fine! "Oh she won't respond to your texts anymore? Well you can try sending an email"

Once she made me cry in a public place after a concert the three of is attended and I was sitting on the steps of an auditorium and silently crying. He dropped a Kleenex box next to me and walked away.

Been a few years since I realized my mom's a covert narc (she's been NC with me for 1.5 years, her choice, nothing happened and we didn't have a fight).

Sometimes I bring her up in therapy and last time my psychologist asked me who are the important people in my mom's life and I automatically, on autopilot, said "No one. She doesn't consider anyone as an important person in her life".

And then it it hit me. My mom doesn't love and value any single person in her entire family. This includes her own mother, sister, her own husband and children..... She has devalued absolutely everyone over the years and it's insane.

She does have one friend she consistently places on a pedestal and takes me to see her so her friend can tell my mom how awesome I am and how amazing it must be to have an adult daughter (she herself has two sons). Come to think of it, my mom cut me off sometime after we went to go visit that friend, who asked me some personal questions about my life and I answered honestly, and my mom was taken aback she didn't know these things about me (she never asks me anything, we don't have real adult conversations, ever).

This realization was so mind blowing to me. Like, it's not all my fault, it's not just me, she's incapable of loving family.

Sometimes I think about this rare moment of clarity from my Nex.

He said something to me when I caught him in an emotional affair of 6 months, after being together for nearly a decade, including me supporting him through years of debilitating chronic illness and his job loss. He got better with my help and promptly started cheating on me.

After I caught him, he cried and told me he had been unhappy in the relationship for a long time and he didn’t know why (At this point I didn’t know he was a narcissist and had devalued me, I thought being ill had done a number on his mental health). He said “I don’t value the relationship anymore and I don’t know why, even though you’re a really good partner”. He cried, begged me to not leave him and said that he’d work on himself. You can prob guess he most certainly didn’t. I was dumb enough to stay for another 1.5 yrs cause I felt bad for him and believed we could survive this. His behavior escalated to rage driving with me as a passenger while screaming at me, rage tantrums, and being very controlling and jealous (projecting). I finally left and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Anyway I’m on the other side and life is much better than being with an abuser. But sometimes I have these flashbacks like that one time he actually worded what the devaluation felt like from his side. After the breakup he started dating someone else very quickly and proposed within a year. They’ll be married soon. She’s in for quite the ride and doesn’t know it yet.

Hi y'all,

Prob gonna bite the bullet and start Botox for my 11s this year. Is there anything else you found helpful dealing with them? Any input welcome. Botox related advice also welcome :)

Thanks in advance!

Hi all,

Long story short I had a really rough couple of years and seem to have developed mild to moderate depression symptoms from chronic stress and some traumatic events. To summarise and simplify, I’m tired of fighting and lost my will to live. Been seeing a clinical psychologist for 2 years, she’s a bit too CBT focused and thinks I can “positive mindset” myself out of it, while my GP said I’m eligible for an antidepressant prescription if I want it and if I think it will improve my quality of life.

I’m kind of on the fence and would like to hear about others’ experiences with antidepressants, like which antidepressant you took and whether it helped and how it made you feel (or if it didn’t help). I know it’s individual but I’d like to hear what it was like for others.

Thanks in advance.