u/bananapancakesforone

Hi all,

I haven't really faced this issue before so I thought I'd ask over here.

Over the past four years I've built a friends and acquaintance circle in my city and I value these friendships quite a bit.

A couple of years ago there was a new girl who joined the group and I welcomed her with arms wide open until I realized she's obnoxious as fuck and I actually can't stand her at all.. Just to give you an idea, she monopolizes every conversation, always needs to be the center of attention, can start crying at the drop of a hat for an imagined slight and interrupts if I try to talk to people and always brings the attention back to herself in any group setting. Once at the beginning of getting to know her we went for a drink and she talked about herself for 2 hrs straight and didn't ask me a single thing about me and that's when I started to realize who she is. Other times I've caught her telling lies about her accomplishments/family background.

I think others mostly see her as a fun loving individual who loves joining activities but she's been getting on my last nerve. She's also been unemployed for a couple of years and she has a lot of free time and literally joins any group social activity that's proposed by our mutual friends.

I know the logical answer would be to avoid her and not invite her and not to go to things if she will be there but it's really tough because she goes to EVERYTHING and I've been really busy with a new job and only have weekends to socialize, and I really wouldn't like to turn down invitations to friends' bdays or fun group activities just because she will be there yet I know I really don't want to see her or talk to her.

Have you had similar experiences? How did it work out?

Hi all,

Long story short, I left a 10 yr relationship that became increasingly abusive around 37 yrs old. I lost many years trying to make it work.

I also pivoted my career because my field was dying in real time due to AI. I got a new masters degree and am now finally starting a new job.

This transition has been really hard on me and it has taken me 4+ yrs to rebuild from ground up. And even then I’m still not done, I have no savings and am currently living with roommates at the age of 41. No car.

I look around in my circles and I see that no one blew up their life the way I did and I feel like I’ve got no one that can relate to me. My friends have been in their relationships for 15-20 years, have houses, kids, the whole nine yards. A couple of them have voiced to me that if they could do it all over again they’d definitely NOT go the whole marriage and kids route. But no one has blown up their life and started over the way I have and I REALLY, truly understand why. Starting over with no safety net has been so terrifying in a bad (and not at all exciting) way. Yes it was liberating to leave my toxic ex and do a new graduate degree but all this rebuilding came at a huge personal cost as well and I don’t want to romanticise it. I had no other choice.

I know that so many women would love a chance to start over in their 40s but I just feel so alone in all this. Can anyone relate to my situation? Do you have any words of advice for coping? For what it’s worth I’m about to start therapy again because I finally have extended coverage. Thanks in advance.

This is a serious question. Finished a masters, got a job that pays 40k (and this was in the upper range of the offers/positions I was considering).

Every month only 2200 euros is what’s left after taxes etc and drops into my bank account (and this is supposed to be “decent” in terms of income level for this country). I’m living in a city where renting a studio is approx 750-850 per month. Could be cheaper but it would be a tiny shoebox.

Am I supposed to be able to save some money on this income every month? I feel like I’m staring into abyss.

It seems that the people who are living comfortably in France are older expats from wealthier countries and people who inherited property etc/generational wealth. Please share your experiences.

Hi all,

I wasted a decade in an abusive relationship. I did make good use of my 20s but I completely fucked up my 30s and honestly I’m surprised I made it out on the other side. But it’s not by chance: it was entirely fuelled by my blood, sweat and tears.

Long story short, 4 yrs ago I “woke up” at 37 years old upon losing everything I had in a divorce after my ex cheated and treated me like shit. I’ve spent the last 4 years salvaging and rebuilding: did a master’s degree and an apprenticeship, am currently debt free and got my first “big girl” job.

I should be thrilled, right?
However, I feel like I’m staring into abyss. No savings of any kind, living in a room of an apartment with 3 other roommates at the ripe age of 41 (roomies are in their 20s). No car. My job looks good on paper but doesn’t pay great and it’s just a matter of time before I’ll need to try to pivot again to something better paying to increase my earnings and savings. But I’m sooooo tired of survival mode. I feel like I can’t even think about any further plans right now but I also know that I need to.

My extended health coverage is about to kick in so I’ll be back in therapy soon after many months’ break. I know I need to keep reframing my journey positively to help me understand that good things are happening but it’s so damn hard. I objectively know I’m in a waaaaay better situation than I was 4 yrs ago but I don’t feel it, it seems like I still have a looooong road ahead to “catch up”.

Can you share some wisdom or what helped you start over in your 40s? Thanks in advance 💗

Today at lunch I asked my older colleague if she had some plans for her upcoming 2 week holiday and she told me she was going to stay home and dog sit her 30 yo daughter’s dog. The dog is a rescue and can’t stay alone because it has behavioral problems and howls. So she took 2 weeks off to watch this dog 24/7 because her daughter wanted to go on a trip. I told her, “Wow that was really nice of you”. She looked at me like I don’t understand something really simple and basic and said:

“It’s my daughter”.

To make it worse this week two other colleagues were talking about great efforts they were making for their adult kids like it was nothing. One coworker and her husband will use their two week holiday to travel 600 km to help their son apartment search because he’s having trouble finding a place, he’s 22. This is completely wild to me.

And on another lunch break another lady from work causally talked about traveling to another country to help her 30 yo son plan his wedding for her vacation.

Hearing them talk about making great efforts for their kids so casually, like it’s natural and easy, stirs up a lot of emotions in me.

I’m posting here to get it off my chest and because you guys can probably relate……

My parents would never plan a vacation according to my availability so I could join, let alone take days off and travel somewhere to see me or help me. They never even take days off when I visit them from another country. My mom hasn’t spoken to me in 2 yrs and hasn’t wished me happy bday, we didn’t have a fight, she’s just completely disinterested. Both of my parents are quite narcissistic but in different ways.

Anyway just wanted to vent a bit to people who can understand.

For those of you whose fathers or stepfathers have endured decades of abuse and stayed, I'd like to know what they are like.

My mom hasn't spoken to me in 1.5 years and I have no idea why. Must have been some imaginary perceived insult or rejection I suppose...

My dad likes to pretend everything is fine when she is abusing both of us. We used to go to therapy together to understand why she was acting the way she did. Once I figured out it was straight up abuse and told him to leave her, he said to mind my own business. This was a decade ago.

He pretends like she isn't NC with me. When he wishes me happy bday he writes "from all of us" (lol). He knows he needs to delete my texts in his WhatsApp because he knows if she reads them, she will rage at him. He won't call me on the phone (once every 4 months or so) when she's at home. But everything is fine! "Oh she won't respond to your texts anymore? Well you can try sending an email"

Once she made me cry in a public place after a concert the three of is attended and I was sitting on the steps of an auditorium and silently crying. He dropped a Kleenex box next to me and walked away.

Been a few years since I realized my mom's a covert narc (she's been NC with me for 1.5 years, her choice, nothing happened and we didn't have a fight).

Sometimes I bring her up in therapy and last time my psychologist asked me who are the important people in my mom's life and I automatically, on autopilot, said "No one. She doesn't consider anyone as an important person in her life".

And then it it hit me. My mom doesn't love and value any single person in her entire family. This includes her own mother, sister, her own husband and children..... She has devalued absolutely everyone over the years and it's insane.

She does have one friend she consistently places on a pedestal and takes me to see her so her friend can tell my mom how awesome I am and how amazing it must be to have an adult daughter (she herself has two sons). Come to think of it, my mom cut me off sometime after we went to go visit that friend, who asked me some personal questions about my life and I answered honestly, and my mom was taken aback she didn't know these things about me (she never asks me anything, we don't have real adult conversations, ever).

This realization was so mind blowing to me. Like, it's not all my fault, it's not just me, she's incapable of loving family.

Sometimes I think about this rare moment of clarity from my Nex.

He said something to me when I caught him in an emotional affair of 6 months, after being together for nearly a decade, including me supporting him through years of debilitating chronic illness and his job loss. He got better with my help and promptly started cheating on me.

After I caught him, he cried and told me he had been unhappy in the relationship for a long time and he didn’t know why (At this point I didn’t know he was a narcissist and had devalued me, I thought being ill had done a number on his mental health). He said “I don’t value the relationship anymore and I don’t know why, even though you’re a really good partner”. He cried, begged me to not leave him and said that he’d work on himself. You can prob guess he most certainly didn’t. I was dumb enough to stay for another 1.5 yrs cause I felt bad for him and believed we could survive this. His behavior escalated to rage driving with me as a passenger while screaming at me, rage tantrums, and being very controlling and jealous (projecting). I finally left and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Anyway I’m on the other side and life is much better than being with an abuser. But sometimes I have these flashbacks like that one time he actually worded what the devaluation felt like from his side. After the breakup he started dating someone else very quickly and proposed within a year. They’ll be married soon. She’s in for quite the ride and doesn’t know it yet.

Hi y'all,

Prob gonna bite the bullet and start Botox for my 11s this year. Is there anything else you found helpful dealing with them? Any input welcome. Botox related advice also welcome :)

Thanks in advance!

Hi all,

Long story short I had a really rough couple of years and seem to have developed mild to moderate depression symptoms from chronic stress and some traumatic events. To summarise and simplify, I’m tired of fighting and lost my will to live. Been seeing a clinical psychologist for 2 years, she’s a bit too CBT focused and thinks I can “positive mindset” myself out of it, while my GP said I’m eligible for an antidepressant prescription if I want it and if I think it will improve my quality of life.

I’m kind of on the fence and would like to hear about others’ experiences with antidepressants, like which antidepressant you took and whether it helped and how it made you feel (or if it didn’t help). I know it’s individual but I’d like to hear what it was like for others.

Thanks in advance.