u/bensimp

Even if no one reads this or comments, I kind of just wanted to write this out and word vomit so here goes…

I personally waited till I was in my early twenties to start drinking because my father and siblings occasionally struggled with. It was never an issue for me. That was until I was going through grad school. Grad school was stressful as hell and at that time fell into a friend group that loved to drink a lot on time off. While this was happening, my spouse and I after 10 years together also started to drift apart because we simply wanted different things in life. So with grad school, a partying friend group, and going through a divorce, the alcohol consumption increased rapidly over time.

Fast forward to the present… I am now in a new loving relationship, no longer hang out with that friend group, and graduated school and have a great career that pays really well and that I enjoy! I love the person I become and in the traditional sense, I have a very happy and fulfilling life. But… I still drink A LOT.

I’ve done enough personal therapy and am honest with myself that don’t think I drink a lot to drown out any sort of deep depression. I really can’t pin point why I drink other than it’s just a habit. I don’t start drinking to get drunk or numb. I simply start with one drink and just keep going back for more once I start. I like feeling loose. It makes me funnier in crowds and makes life just a little bit more fun.

On average I probably drink 4-5 shots of liquor 5 days out of the week. Sometimes more sometimes less but that’s a good average. But writing that amount out just seems wild to me compared to what the average person drinks. I’m in the medical field and know how damaging that amount can be over time and if I saw a patient drink that much I would raise an eye brow and call them an alcoholic. By that amount and frequency I would call myself an alcoholic.

The reason why I haven’t stopped is… well nothing bad has happened? I work out/run 5 days a week, it doesn’t cause me to miss work/cause bad performs bad work, and it doesn’t affect my relationships. Sure I have some headaches and some acid reflux but other than that, it’s never caused anything devastating

I’m in my thirties now and know this much is going to catch up to me and it makes me anxious that if I don’t stop something terrible is going to happen down the road. I know it’s a hindrance to my workouts and sleep but that doesn’t push me enough to stop and I’m worried I won’t take it seriously till it’s too late.

I have plenty of education and wisdom to know I SHOULD slow down/quit… but I just keep doing the same habit of reaching for the bottle at night. My family, friends and partner know I drink quite a bit but they see I’m successful and fit so no one says anything. But I just sit with this personal shame of how much I drink. I don’t like that I drink this much.

Writing this all out helped. I’ll still probably drink tonight or tomorrow. I’m hoping just coming back to this post and reading the words over and over again will help it go through my thick skull eventually. I feel better after writing this.

Maybe no one will read this and that’s okay. Ultimately it just feels good to write out my thoughts. But if anyone does read any part of this and can relate, it would be nice to hear your perspective. I love hearing people’s experience and hopefully your experience / thoughts can help me. Thank you.

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