u/bigshroom_

I’m in therapy because of my family and my childhood being absolutely devastating, but this is about celebrating my birthday. Which all stopped around my 14th birthday when I went vegan.

Context: my birthday is December 22 and I (28F) have had to remind my family of my birthday for the last 14 years. I haven’t had a birthday cake since I turned 18 as I vowed not to have one if it means I have to make it myself.

I decided not to remind any one of my birthday anymore, stop expecting people to celebrate my being alive another year despite a lifetime of depression >!and my dad knowing I self harmed starting at nine years old.!<

Today, I blew up about going to a beach house for the week of Christmas (essentially my birthday included) even though my entire family knows how much I hate the beach. I love camping and cabins and feeling cozy for the holidays. It’s literally the time of year I want to cease the most and doing what I actually enjoy is majorly vital. Am I an asshole for telling them I shouldn’t have to remind them that I want a birthday cake and to go out to eat for my birthday?

They said I don’t like eating out. They said they get me birthday cakes (which they never have). I know I’m an adult, but God I am so hurt and dreading the holidays even more now. Worst part is, we just got back from a beach house yesterday.

Any words of encouragement or kindness would be so appreciated in this moment. What should I do?

He (26M) and I (28F) have been through just about everything. He wasn’t always skittish, and we’d text daily the first two years of our, unfortunately, situationship. He isn’t the labeling kind, and I wasn’t sure what I deserved. He was the one who talked me off the ledge and seek out therapy.

Now it’s year three, simultaneously the third year I’ve been in constant therapy, and he says I’m not at all like the girl I used to be. I have boundaries, I’m more sure of what I deserve and I don’t let him send pics of other girls or his comments about SA slide. I told him I wasn’t as broken anymore, and that I’m healing.

At the time he was out of the country for a month, and when he returned we had the best sex we’ve ever had together. And thennnnn ghosted. But this is for real ghosting. All year he’s been acting like I don’t exist. After my grandpa passed, he ghosted me. After I said I needed surgery for a tumor affecting my brain, he ghosted me and blamed it on his new phone.

Funny part is, there is no way it’s because of another girl. He’s very insecure about himself and whether or not it’s even possible if even I truly liked him. He’d also always accuse me of liking other guys/girls no matter how many times I’d tell him that I don’t think that way (I’m asexual and only had sex with him after falling for him as a person, otherwise, I don’t think people are attractive enough to just randomly fuck). I think what happened is, he came back to America with 4 new sex toys for himself, a hentai film, and the audacity to say that therapy made me unrecognizable.

I’m not heartbroken in the slightest, I’ve got my own issues going on. Getting surgery tomorrow, wish me luck!

I’m guessing the “challenges” that came to their attention that needed to be addressed and for “all of our safety” aren’t related to her health

Hey, everyone. I’m (28F) have been going through years of a rough time, going in and out of denial and always feeling like I’m living someone else’s life.

I will try not to be overly explicit with details because I get this weird “mind block” any time I try to discuss this with therapists, psychiatrists, and even when I’m alone with myself. But please please know this is very triggering. Take care of your wellbeing and mental health.

Firstly, I think I started having my initial flashback when I was 13. I started high school and mainly had male friends, which might have ultimately led to the first flashback as they would talk about sex and I wasn’t even aware of that word. As if I had never knew it was a thing that existed. Over time, the sudden visions became more detailed, like looking through a TV screen and the scene panning out to show more and more. At first, I thought I was perverse and would think I was a monster for having those thoughts. But every time I’d have them, I’d suddenly see that the time had passed by several hours.

I can’t remember my childhood, I can’t remember much of high school, and I can’t remember much of my 20s. Specifically between the ages of 19-23. I try and only get pieces. Even the last few years are spacey in my mind.

I’ve tried to commit S when I was 9, that I remember. I remember telling my mom I was having nightmares and would wake up with scratches over my body. The flashback was of my brother (He’s 2 years older) and being in his bedroom when I was maybe around 5-6. I was also being physically abused by my dad, and verbally abused by my mom. She’d call me a demon, a devils child, evil, terrible, and bad. My dad would call me Poker Face as every time he hit me, I’d show no emotion whatsoever. I barely remember most of those times. I do remember saying to myself one day in my room that if they saw me as evil, then that’s what I’ll be. My parents would punish me because I started beating up my little brother and trying to poison our dogs. But they didn’t know that I also tried poisoning my neighbor’s daughter from across the street, as well as having killed her hamster. I don’t recall what led up to those moments, just that they happened.

My first therapist said I’d send him emails requesting sessions so I can talk about something very serious yet I’d go in and have no recollection of having ever sent them. My partner was the first person I had sex with, and during our first time I had apparently started breathing heavy, spaced out, then went silent. He said he immediately stopped, got us both dressed, and got me ice cream and a heating pad. He said I refused to speak and if I did, I sounded like a child. I can’t recall that at all. Nor can I recall most of the times we apparently had sex. I told him I could count on one hand the number of times we’ve done it and he was shocked. Not only has it been traumatic for him, but I feel terrible over it.

With my new therapist, I think I’m unable to speak about what happened as every time I go to see her I have it set in my mind what I was to discuss. But the moment I walk into her office and sit down, my mind gets all puzzled and I can’t remember what it was. I smile and laugh but I feel so far away from myself and I’m begging to talk to her about my issues. But I’ll instead say things like “Yeah, I’m fine”, “I’m taking my meds”, “I’m good”. When in fact, I’ve stopped taking them, I’m not fine, and I think I’m falling apart.

A new flashback emerged after I suddenly had this curiosity to search up my childhood neighbors. When I found a photo of this mom from across the street, I was hit with a wave of intense terror. I instantly started crying and felt like I needed to run away. And then, as always, nothing at all. Just numb. Then I couldn’t remember what freaked me out. This happens in cycles. Remember, flip out, forget.

Each time I think I might have it, I feel a wave of panic, fear, and anxiety like it’s clawing at my skin trying to get out. And then nothing. Like the world is fake, and I’m dreaming, and everything is fine. I took a few questionnaires and interview schedules, all of which point to heavy Dissociative Amnesia with Dissociative Fugue and DID. But I just can’t seem to believe that it could even be slightly possible. I feel like I’m on the verge of cracking, like there are walls thinning, and even when I don’t feel like myself I am utterly exhausted. A few months back, I was driving somewhere and ended up not where I thought I was going. I was walking out of a store and couldn’t find my car. When I went into the store, I asked if I’d been there and they said yes, and that I wanted nightcrawlers for my frogs. I was beyond freaked out and had no idea where I was or what I had been doing for the last few hours.

I’m sorry that was so long. I had no intention of writing that much but it all came flooding out. Please help with any resources, thoughts, opinions, or suggestions on what might be happening, what I should do, your experience, etc. I would greatly appreciate it. Always, peace and love.