u/bloomyiumi

English is not my first language, so sorry for any mistakes.

I’m not diagnosed, but my therapist recommended me to go to a neuropsychologist to investigate my possible autism. I haven’t done it yet because it’s really expensive, but I was curious on how does the exam work? I know it’s more than one and it’s a long journey to understand if a person really is neurodivergent. I am a little afraid of how should I behave, because I understand the meaning of “just be yourself” but I always feel like I’m performing depending on the person I’m talking too, especially older people and doctors/ specialists, so I’m afraid I won’t be “myself” and this will make the process more difficult. So, I wanted to understand how this process work.

I am questioning myself over my gender (or not gender) for the past months. During the pandemic, I used to think, I questioned myself a lot, but most of the time I thought I was a trans man, and it was “easy” to question or experiment with names and different pronouns at the time because the only people that knew were my friends and the internet. I ended up forcing myself to forget about my questioning (and my other interests at the time), because I was sure at the time that I’d never have a social life (would never be accepted) and was destined to be alone. Now I am questioning myself again, but it’s harder now, considering that we live in a society that made gender norms, such as considering behaviors/ styles and ways that you express yourself to fit in a certain box. And even if you are trying or wanting to go in an opposite direction, you are still considering, in a certain way, this boxes. So, my question is, how did you understood your identity? Was just a feeling that made you sure, a discomfort (dysphoria).. How did you understood that in a way without (or how did you) questioning how you came to that conclusion? Because we are submitted to believe and behave in a way just for biological reasons, that made the society associate that with certain norms. I can feel like myself but like, what feeling like myself is like gender-wise? Where I live the language is pretty much completely gender oriented, we don’t have many neutral words such as in English, so it’s even harder for me to comprehend that and understand how I feel and how will this affect me. Sometimes I feel like dressing “feminine” or “masculine” or “androgynous”, but I don’t think I’m feeling such a gender at the time, I’m just changing the way I present myself principally considering how I will be perceived. I actually hate the most that everything I’ll do will be perceived in a way that I can’t exactly control or expect the person to see me before seeing a label, it’s really hard to comprehend the meaning of gender in a already made society. Does anyone understand how I feel or can help me with your opinions/visions/experiences?

Im wondering if I should buy one to play games but these are ones that I really wanna play so I need to know

I’ve had this doubt related to the autism spectrum, but since some mods warned me that not being diagnosed makes it difficult to know for sure, I’m just sticking to my original suspicion.

I’ve had sexual experiences in my life, and I can’t say that I didn’t like them at all it’s just that, I really enjoy more the part when you are making out and thinking about making things further than actually turning them further, when the real thing starts to take place. It’s like my body just accepts what’s coming and has no time to think about if I really want that if I’m just accepting the situation because finally someone finds me attractive enough to want that with me. Some parts of it are good of course but I feel like I’m more analising the situation more then enjoying it, like trying more to understand what the person likes more then what I like. I have difficulties starting any kind of more instimate interaction because I’m afraid I’ll do something bad and I’m so bad at conunicating that I just let it happen. I don’t know if it’s just because I have a lack of self steem and I’m afraid of doing something someone would not enjoying but I never really tried before so I wonder if I really like doing it at all. Maybe if I have some romantic envolviment with the person it would be better or more natural? But for now it just seems like if I’m sober I can’t really focus on what’s happening and I’m still shy. I’m sure it’s not about the person doing nothing wrong but maybe I’m used to just accepting, but I feel it more like a duty than a satisfaction. Does anyone feel the same as me?