u/boatsnhoez456

My (34F) husband (38M) of 12 years (4 years married) randomly blindsided me one day and asked for a divorce out of nowhere claiming we “argue too much”. This made no sense to me because I felt we had a very loving relationship with lots of happy times. We had just got back from a vacation two weeks earlier and were still going on date nights every Friday and Saturday and still intimate with each other right up until he decided to make this decision out of nowhere. When I asked him to go to counselling with me, he refused. He’s an alcoholic but says he’s not. Yet he gets wasted drunk every weekend and he says he just likes having fun with his friends.

He told me he was depressed, numb and broken and had demons in his head. He blamed me for his unhappiness and said he needed to leave the marriage to find his happiness. He also said he hates he is balding, hates his job, has a fear of death and aging, and recently took out a $30,000 line of credit behind my back for his mom who has gambling issues. He said he couldn’t tell me about it because he knew I would say no. His alcoholic father stopped talking to him because we wouldn’t let him live in our house after he got out of jail and my husband blamed me that his dad doesn’t talk to him anymore.

My husband decided to separate from me and wouldn’t even let me work on anything or fight for me. He had been going to the bar til 3 am with a single girl from his work and claimed they were just friends but I was suspicious. I recently discovered a couple months later that they are in fact in a relationship now and my heart is broken. I don’t understand how he could do this to me and just move on so easily. It feels like he discarded me like trash. We had a great life together and I don’t understand why he is choosing to purse a life with her instead of me. What did I do wrong? Why wasn’t I enough? I don’t know how to get through this and I am heartbroken. Looking for people who have gone through this and for some advice please and thank you!!

I posted in this group a couple months ago about how I was confused because my husband blindsided me and randomly asked for a divorce out of nowhere. We were together 12 years, and 4 years married. My husband randomly woke up one day and said he wanted a divorce because we “argue too much”. I didn’t agree with that. He also said things like he was “broken”, “numb”, “depressed”, had “demons in his head” and was “unhappy”. He is an alcoholic but continues to deny it. He gets wasted drunk every weekend for context.

He said I was a wonderful person and he had nothing but great things to say about me but that he felt nothing for me anymore. He said we “lost the spark” even though we were still physically intimate all of the time and even went on date nights every Friday. He always told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him and the light in his life… then one day it’s like he just flipped a switch or something and its so weird to me.

All of a sudden he said that he hated the monotony of his job at Chryslers as a factory worker, he hates his looks and the fact that he is balding, he doesn’t want to post a picture on social media (and hasn’t in a year) because he thinks he looks bad in all pictures, and he can’t watch his favourite movie, “American pie 2” because it depresses him. When I asked him why that movie depresses him he says it’s because it reminds him that he is getting older and he has a fear of death. He once again denied any issues with alcohol and felt he does not have a problem. He said he just likes “having fun with his friends” and that is why he gets so drunk on the weekends. He also said he drinks to “numb his pain”. He said he is unhappy and needs to leave the marriage to find his happiness again. He ended up leaving the home for the night to “take space from me”. While he took space from me, he continued to text me the entire time. He then apologized for leaving and said that he realized we had a great relationship with more good times than bad times, and he was just stuck in a rut and wanted to talk to me in person about something that was stressing him out.

He then came home the next day and said that his world has been crashing down on him since the fall and I had no idea about any of this. He said he felt stressed because in November his mom asked him to take out a $30,000 line of credit for her and asked him to keep it a secret from me because she has gambling issues and almost lost her house. His dad (who is a severe alcoholic) went to jail 3 times for domestic violence and threatened a knife on his ex girlfriend. On the third time of getting out of jail, his dad’s girlfriend finally had enough and kicked him out so his dad asked to live in our basement. I said no because I felt unsafe. I suggested his dad go back to rehab for his severe alcohol use. His dad stopped talking to us after that. My husband told me he felt resentment towards me because he blamed me for no longer having a relationship with his father.

I was really upset about the line of credit but I didn’t want to lose my whole marriage over this so I asked him to go to counselling with me and he was initially agreeable. Things seemed to be ok for a bit and we continued to try and work on the marriage. All of a sudden about a week or so later, I noticed he was acting cold and distant from me again and when he came home from work I asked him what was wrong. He then began shaking and crying and said that he was depressed and unhappy and he felt that “our arguments got better but he was still unhappy”. He said he needed space from me again and left again.

When he left, he texted me again telling me he loved me and that I was a wonderful person. He said he realized he was taking all his anger out on me and that wasn’t okay and that I don’t deserve that. He said that he needs to fix all the demons in his head and he can’t keep looking at himself in the mirror and telling himself everything is okay when it isn’t. He said he has problems with lack of communication, and a fear of conflict and he wants to work on that. He told me to just breathe and things would work out. He even came to my work the next day to bring me a coffee and told me he was thinking of me.

In addition to all of this, my husband also started going out to the bar after work and was hanging out with a single girl until 3 am. When I told him that it upset me and crossed my boundary, he did it a second time. When I got upset the second time, he told me that I was “controlling” and that it wasn’t a big deal. He then said that he felt that he needs to find his happiness outside of the marriage so he left me. This all happened within a months time with no closure. I feel devastated and can’t understand any of this.

Everyone told me he was having a mid life crisis including my therapist. People also said he was probably having an affair. He is 38, I’m 34 and I found out recently that he was indeed having an affair. We’re only 6 months separated and he just posted a profile picture on Facebook of him and the girl he was going to the bar with til 3 am. I was suspicious of her and he swore up and down that there was no one else and now it’s confirmed that he is with her

I don’t know what I’m looking for. I’m just so hurt and lost and I guess looking for some support. I can’t believe he moved on so quickly from me. I can’t believe that girl/coworker of his would even want to be with him. I feel so sad that I wasted 12 years with someone who could discard me so easily like trash. I just feel so alone and worthless and need a friend to talk to.

My husband who recently turned 38 years old in January completely blind sided me and asked me for a divorce out of nowhere. This came after an argument we had where I got upset with him because he had told me that he wanted to spend the day with me on Saturday outside all day because we were finally getting some nice weather and it was no longer cold outside. On the Friday, he had a party with his work friends at our house and got black out drunk. The next day he slept all day and would not get up because he was hungover. At 12:30 pm, I got really upset and asked him when he was planning on getting up because he promised me we were going to spend the day together. I did yell and I shouldn’t have, but I was frustrated. Also just as a disclaimer, my husband is an alcoholic and refuses to admit it. He still is able to function and go to work every day and he doesn’t drink during the week, but on Fridays and Saturdays, he hangs out with friends and gets black out drunk every weekend. We have also been together 12 years. Anyways, after I got frustrated at him and yelled at him, he stated he was “done” and wanted a divorce and claimed that it was because we “argue too much.” I don’t agree with this. We do argue but not every day and I told him that I felt the majority of our arguments had to do with his drinking. I asked him to give me a chance to work on communication and arguing less and he agreed, so for a month I didn’t argue with him. I also started going to therapy to work on communication skills and suggested he go with me, but he refused so I went alone. After a month, the arguments had improved and I worked with a therapist to improve my communication when frustrated. He continued to act cold towards me and when I asked him what was wrong, he said that the arguments had improved but he was still unhappy in the marriage and felt like we needed to separate. He was shaking and crying and saying he doesn’t know why, but he is still unhappy. This took me by complete shock. He said he was depressed, numb, and was in a dark place and had “demons in his head”. He said I was a wonderful person and he had nothing but great things to say about me but that he felt nothing for me anymore. He said we “lost the spark” even though I didn’t agree with that as we just got back from a cruise two months earlier with my family where he was acting normal and my family even told me he was saying I love you to me the entire time. He was also physically intimate with me and kissing me the entire time telling me he loves me and that I am the best thing that ever happened to him. He said that he hated the monotony of his job at Chryslers as a factory worker, he hates his looks and the fact that he is balding, he doesn’t want to post a picture on social media (and hasn’t in a year) because he thinks he looks bad in all pictures, and he can’t watch his favourite movie, “American pie 2” because it depresses him. When I asked him why that movie depresses him he says it’s because it reminds him that he is getting older and he has a fear of death. He once again denied any issues with alcohol and felt he does not have a problem. He said he just likes “having fun with his friends” and that is why he gets so drunk. He also said he drinks to “numb his pain”. He said he is unhappy and needs to leave the marriage to find his happiness again. We have had a very loving relationship where we told each other we loved each other all the time, we went on date nights every Friday and did fun things on the weekend like winery’s, comedy shows, going to the movies, going out to dinner, etc. Yet he also said that he felt he was in a rut and felt like the marriage was the issue. He said his world has been crashing down on him since the fall and I had no idea about any of this. He said he felt stressed because in November he took out a $30,000 line of credit for his mom and kept it a secret from me because she has gambling issues and almost lost her house. His dad (who is a severe alcoholic) went to jail 3 times for domestic violence and pulling a knife on his ex girlfriend. On the third time of getting out of jail, his dad’s girlfriend finally had enough and kicked him out so his dad asked to live in our basement. I said no because I felt unsafe. I suggested his dad go back to rehab for his severe alcohol use. My husband told me he felt resentment towards me because he blamed me for no longer having a relationship with his father. In addition to all of this, my husband also started going out to the bar after work and was hanging out with a single girl until 3 am. When I told him that it upset me and crossed my boundary, he did it a second time. When I got upset the second time, he told me that I was “controlling” and that it wasn’t a big deal. He felt that he needs to find his happiness outside of the marriage so he left me. This all happened within a months time with no closure. I feel devastated and can’t understand what I did to cause his unhappiness. Everyone keeps telling me I am a great catch and a good person and that I didn’t do anything wrong but I don’t understand why he would leave me then. For some reason I keep blaming myself and I am just looking for advice or to see if anyone else has gone through a similar issue. Please help

TLDR; my husband is going through a mid life crisis. He is also an alcoholic and refuses to admit it. He blamed me for the end of the marriage and said we argue too much. He left suddenly and gave me no closure and I feel lost and keep blaming myself.