I've filed divorce. She will be served this week. I'm applying for full custody of my 8 year old twins and suing for child support. I honestly cannot wait to be fully divorced and doing this solo.

I've always been the front-line parent: the fun one, the disciplinarian, the scheduler, the get them to and from school, bathed and ready for bed one. In the last 3 years she has traveled for pleasure 225 days that I can immediately prove, more total. I've basically been the single parent most of the time.

Dads, my worry is about the impact on my sons. They love their mom. They will still see her and have a relationship together, but she needs to get her shit together first.

This is going to be tough. Any advice on helping my boys through the process?

My soon to be ex wife now knows I've filed for divorce. We're in a very sensitive part of the summer - we are in her hometown in China until Friday. She was meant to be informed after we arrived back in the city we live in next Monday. I'm afraid she might hid the kids' passports, but if I take the passports a war will begin and any veneer of cooperation will vanish.

I'm stressed about flying back, but also relieved that she knows.

UPDTATE!

We're back in our city of residence. Should be safe now.

My soon to be ex wife now knows I've filed for divorce. We're in a very sensitive part of the summer - we are in her hometown in China until Friday. She was meant to be informed after we arrived back in the city we live in next Monday. I'm afraid she might hid the kids' passports, but if I take the passports a war will begin and any veneer of cooperation will vanish.

I'm stressed about flying back, but also relieved that she knows.

My soon to be ex wife now knows I've filed for divorce. We're in a very sensitive part of the summer - we are in her hometown in China until Friday. She was meant to be informed after we arrived back in the city we live in next Monday. I'm afraid she might hid the kids' passports, but if I take the passports a war will begin and any veneer of cooperation will vanish.

I'm stressed about flying back, but also relieved that she knows.

I went to the court with my lawyer on Wednesday and filed for divorce and suing for custody. Things are... complicated at the moment.

Here's the background:

Married 15 years in an international marriage. Multiple instances of infidelity. First one I knew about was after we had moved to Canada in 2012, a year after we married she had visited Vancouver for a trip with a girlfriend... only when I asked about the trip, the girlfriend had no idea. Phone bill record showed a 3am phonecall to a number that was her ex bf, now living in Vancouver. I chose to believe her, that it wasn't cheating.

She would regularly go on trips back to China for one month, two months, even once three months at a time while I lived and worked in Canada, barely getting by. She never held a job for more than 4 months. Always blaming me for not having enough money.

Fast forward, things seem to improve, but she is always on her phone. I land a really good job in Toronto and we seem to be doing well. Then I started suffering from crippling migraines. She still refused to get a job so I could take time off to recover. I saved enough to start my own business so that I could work hours around my illness. She got pregnant during a month long road trip in our RV. Now I needed stability over uncertainty and my business just wasn't earning much yet, and not consistently.

We moved to Quebec where I started teaching at a local college (teaching had been my first career, and I had earned advanced degrees). I returned to education so that I could have hours that would facilitate active fatherhood.

A couple years later, we moved back to China cuz twins are hard and her family is there. I continued working, being our sole earner. I finally convinced her to work and contribute, as she could ride my professional coattails into a high-paying education job as a package hire (I was very desirable in that market). That was the first time I was able to use the bulk of my salary for things I enjoy, while sending her between 30%-half of my earnings for household expenses, because she was finally earning. During that year, I had exposed another infidelity - an ongoing online relationship, but they had met in person when she travelled to her hometown on one of her many solo trips. It was clear emotional infidelity and I strongly suspect physical as well, though she denies it. The place we were hired at closed after one year, and she just chose not to work again because working is hard.

At that point, I was in a rush to secure a job and a school for my children as the previous job had ended last minute and abruptly. I went first to secure our housing, which required a very large multi-month deposit, roughly $10,000 USD, which is a huge amount in China. So I reached out to her, telling her I was about $2k USD short, and needed her to transfer me money. She went on a tear about how I had so little money left after a year of earning and refused to send me any, and demanding I let her access my account to see where every dime was spent. She refused to bring my children to move to the new city unless I agreed to give her all of my salary for her to manage our finances because she believed I was fundamentally irresponsible. I have no passwords, no access to accounts, just a pittance to live on. That was 4 years ago. I have sent her more than 90% of my earnings since. Now she claims we have no money left after she dropped $12,000 on a cosmetic surgery that I didn't want her to get.

During those 4 years, I have worked, studied, earned degrees and certifications to position myself as an expert in my field. She has played tennis, done yoga and over the last 3 years, travelled more than 225 days solo away from the children and I. Sometimes for extended family, but the grand majority for personal pleasure and leisure. Bali and Singapore with her mom for fun? Check. 3 week pottery workshop? Check. 3 weeks to visit the airbnb I ran in Thailand to get a door installed (the door didn't get installed)? Check.

Did i mention that we only have sex once, twice per year max?

Last year, I told her about all of my unhappiness, her response was "you want me to stop traveling, get a job, and have sex with you? This is how you treat women? I'd rather die". She says that the financial abuse is something I agreed to before she moved down with the kids, so I cannot complain about it.

Through all of this time, I have been the front-line parent - I wake them in the morning, feed them breakfast, take them to school all before she wakes up. I am the sole point of contact for their teachers. I sign them up for their after school activities. Their private school tuition, international insurance, our housing, even our travel is part of my contractual remuneration. I pay for their lunches. I pick them up after school every day and take them home (except the odd time twice per month I expect to have a meeting run late, then she does). I am the parent who designed their homework routine and enforced it so that it is now habit. She cooks dinner. She keeps a clean home. I clean up from dinner. I make sure the kids are bathed, teeth brushed, and reading before their bedtime. We sleep in separate rooms, so sometimes they sleep with me, sometimes with her, sometimes one with each of us. I play video games with them, go on bike rides with them, I am constantly there.

Now, for the catalyst to divorce:

She had gone to another city for two weeks for her elective surgery (the $12k one). After she came back, she was still in recovery, mostly bedridden. I cooked, cleaned, took care of the kids, took care of her. All while working full time and studying. Because of the nature of her surgery and stage of recovery, we had to keep the kids mostly away from her, because one impulsive 'jump on mommy' moment, and she back in the hospital.

So, one day, I inform her that I'll keep the boys out to play after school. No reply. Typical. I'm not important enough to warrant a reply half the time. I follow up after work, letting her know I'll be there to cook dinner later and ask if she's ok. She's fine, she says. I check in again around 6:00: boys still want to play, and I'm studying. "ok". she says. 6:30: "stay as long as you want", she says. 7:15: "Why are you doing this to me? You don't care about me. I shouldn't have come back. Don't come home".

I immediately pack up the boys and go home, serving the dinner I had prepped the day before and putting fish in the oven. Then I go in to see her. "if you needed something you should tell me. Don't tell the kids and I 'don't come home', why do you think you can talk to us this way?" "You don't care about me. I should have stayed in Shenzhen and not come back". At this point, I lost my patience: "if you don't want to be here, you don't have to be. You can heal up and leave."

That's when I left the room. She followed and started yelling to the kids "did you hear what your father said? He wants me to leave!" then grabs a plate of salad, smashes it on the floor 2 meters from the kids. "You don't care about me!" grabs plate of cherries, smash. grabs my beer, smashes it. Thekids are screaming for her to stop. She looks at them "you don't care about me either" then grabs their Nintendo Switch and smashes that on the floor, sending them into hysterics. That's when I walk through the glass, pick them up and bring them into my room, locking the door. I tried to minimize the trauma, and rolled the TV in, put on a move, and ordered them pizza. I hired a cleaner to come clean up the mess ASAP, so they wouldn't have to see it, or possibly get injured on the way to the bathroom or something. It wasn't 2 days later until I realized our cat had a shard of glass in her face and I had to remove it. That could have been my sons.

I wanted to take them and leave for a hotel but I had no access to our finances. I had no money to leave. I asked for an advance from my work, which I received, but took a weekend to process. During that time, the kids spent most of the time in my room with me. Then, when I got the pay, I picked them up from school and took them to a hotel. I immediately informed her, asked for a few days of no contact separation and for her not to attempt intercepting the kids at school. I retained a lawyer.

She contacted me daily with promises of being a perfect wife, getting a job, showing up and being more present. Even that she'd stop traveling. I fell for lies and promises of change before, not again. I told her I was seeking divorce. Then she tried to pick the kids up from school early, but the guards wouldn't let her and she threatened to bring the police to school. The school would no longer bar her, because they didn't have a court order.

The next week, 9 days after I left, I met with her amidst her messages and messages from her mom threatening to fuck with my job. The goal was to bring the temperature down. She demanded that I allow the boys to go home to see her. I only agreed if I was there and if they agreed to. One child had been homesick and asking to go back. The other said he wasn't ready. She painted me into a corner, so I had to let him go back. However, we agreed it would be for the weekend only, then back to my new place (I'd secured an apartment by then). Sunday roles around, the kids don't want to leave their old hom where their grandma suddenly appeared to visit, ice cream flowed like water, and their xbox lived. So she wouldn't send them back. The 'weekend' visit extended to 11 days. During which, she demanded that I pay rent on that place and send her half my salary as it was still 'marital assets'. I refused and said I would handle all expenses directly and was moving back in to continue being a frontline father.

Since then, she has physically attacked me in front of the kids for not giving her money, and berated me for not ordering things she wants for the house quickly enough, all while I'm biding my time for the lawyer to put my case together. She told me that one of my kids offered her their tooth fairy money because she told them 'daddy won't let me have any money". She told me that because it's hard to find a job in this city, she wants me to quit my job, get a job in another city to get her a job in another package deal. I told her I can't this close to the end of the year and won't. She then said that if I don't, "until you do, you will have to see me every day. This divorce will take years. Years." She expects that we will be in a co-parenting situation with time split 50/50. She expects that we will joint-fund a home for the kids that we move in and out of and the kids stay there, while individually funding our personal residences. She expects me to be forever trapped by her.

I filed for divorce last Wednesday. I have proof of her 225 days of travel over 4 years, proof that I sent her 90% of my salary (over 2million RMB) over 4 years. Letters from current and past teachers as well as school administrators that I am the only visible parent, the go-to, and the one they seek in trouble or celebration. I shared audio of her hour long unhinged threats, demands, admittances to violence, and 'so what, you made me angry' lack of accountability, and her detailing parental alienation as well as her violence and yelling in front of the children. She will be served papers and with a court mediation date around July 3rd. I'm seeking divorce and full custody. I'm also seeking child support because she's fully fucking capable of working.

Right now? I'm in her hometown with her and the kids as she finds new and inventive ways to extract money from me. We return in a few days, just days before she is scheduled to be served.

Good god, I'm ready to be free.