u/bugsrule

Edit 1: to add age/gender

Edit 2: adding more context:

Some more context than what is in the post + in the comments, putting it here for visibility and clarifying some things- she came out 2 months ago. First to me, then a couple days later our parents, then the week after out at work and with friends. She has been exploring her gender expression since we started dating, but initially said she knew she wasn’t trans. A couple years in it turns out she was in some pretty big denial. There were some signs from my pov, but largely it was unexpected. Shortly after coming out she started dressing feminine in public (makeup+clothes+accessories+nails) and has began laser for her face. She has not started HRT yet but hopefully will within the next couple of months. No bottom dysphoria as of right now but that could change. The plan has always been to have a family, so taking measures to have swimmers frozen is currently in the works. Postponing starting a family so she can transition, and postponing marriage until she is a bit more settled in herself. She is still extremely early in her transition. We have been together for 2 years, engaged for 1, but friends for much longer than that.

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Not like, zero interaction or anything, just doesn’t identify as a trans woman and doesn’t want to go out of her way to interact with anyone else who is mtf. She (33mtf) identifies as a woman, and doesn’t want to be seen as a trans woman. I (35 cisF) am struggling with a few things.

The first month I put being supportive and accepting before my own feelings (not trying to be a martyr, it just hadn’t fully set in yet). The past month my emotions have taken a nose dive and I can’t get out of it (it’s been just over two months since she came out) I love her more than anything and want to get through this, I am just struggling with so many different things related to this right now. I’m in weekly therapy, but it’s not enough. I reached out to a local trans positive/support group and want to get involved.

She doesn’t want to, and is doing so just because I want to. She is resistant to any type of therapy, and really only getting into it because I’m asking. We’re on the waitlist for a couples therapist who specializes in lgbtq+ specifically trans. She doesn’t have her own therapist, and hasn’t talked to a therapist at all about transitioning. This feels odd to me, therapy seems necessary to the whole realization + process.

She also doesn’t want to be around other trans women. We can’t get involved in this organization without her involvement. She seems annoyed any time I bring up wanting to get involved in the trans community, and says it’s not really something she feels is necessary or wants to do, but she’ll do it for me. I don’t want to pressure her into doing anything she doesn’t want to do, but don’t understand how someone would want to go through something like this on their own. I also don’t understand how you could reject the company/help of people just like you, who have been through what you’re going through/currently are going through it.

I need support or I won’t be able to get through this. I don’t understand how she feels she can (or even should) do this on her own.

I don’t mean to come across as cold hearted or lacking empathy. Could other trans women who felt similarly please help me understand what is happening? I obviously don’t want to force anything on her, and it makes me feel like shit that it’s not something she’s actively interested in. I am trying to empathize with the resistance but struggling. I’m drowning in general here.