u/butterflyflewaway

I keep expecting you to show up, to see your text on my blocklist, to get a sudden call from you after we'd said our goodbyes for the umpteen time, until I remember how you turned worse than before each time you returned. Sometimes I get flashbacks of our relationship, that quaint little bakery, the rainy days, the quite longing....then the nightmares declare that they too had turned into reality: how you abandoned me and ill-treated me when I was in the hospital bed about to go through a surgery. How desperately I wanted to talk to you once, how casually you ignored my wish which could've been my last one. I've got a feeling that this time, it's going to be different, you're not coming back and I'm not going to reach out like I did goaded by my vulnerabilities. A part of me knows that you came because you hadn't found anyone, so I was your last resort, this time, something tells me, that's not the case. You've been very protective of your happiness, guarded it with all your might and lies, I hope you're happy now, happier than ever, without me being there.

Take care.

Yours truly

Someone whose existence you'll hide from ur next girls.

It's a long reflection, those wanting to read it, brace yourselves.

I don't want to be resentful towards women. For a long time, I opted to not be in a relationship for I developed this idea that men, weigh one woman against another or sort of make them competitors in weird sort of way in their heads in order to end up with what according to them is the 'best'. I am not supporting my ideology but it seemed to be the case and in this age of everyone flaunting their superfluous lifestyle and doing things for the sake of being trendy, the idea of finding one's ordinary partner extraordinary as portrayed in many romantic novels movies, novels, seems kind of absurd, to me at least.

But I honour resilience and individual difference. I have been told this since childhood and I do believe it to some extent that anyone can be in possession of extraordinary talent despite their circumstances, their background in education etc. But growing up, hearing about people getting a degree from famous XYZ university and thereby being naturally intellectual, did something to my brain and I somehow concluded, society's validation is important when potential comes to discussion, and society puts them on pedestal who have big names in their certificates, be it from a school, college or university.

I don't know who I am and what I am meant to be. I falter when I have to define myself because I don't know how to define myself. Am I philosophical or intellectual? Would society accept me for being such and such? Cause I don't have ornate background to prove that I am this and not that. However, I am all aware of my likes and dislikes, what I'm passionate about.

Growing up, I made friends with all sorts of people attending all sorts of schools. I never saw language or the mode of education being a barrier in our friendship and I was deemed better than average or good in studies by all. Now, I don't come from an affluent background. My parents did their best by sending me to supposedly the best school in town, which was not run by a missionary or a pvt body but I did attend the school with people belonging to well-off families. Back then, I knew my father couldn't afford to send me to good colleges in metro cities as he simply couldn't afford it. I saw my friends with less marks getting admission into the colleges in the nearby metro while I attended the best college in my city, it isn't a bad experience but not that good either, I feel like I missed out on good opportunities.

I take great pride in what I do. I am associated with one of the biggest organisations in India and my line of work is noble and allows me to be intellectual and work on my passions. But I have my limitations too, I can't apply to the institutions in the metro despite having good many years of experience, actually I can but would get rejected because the orgs over there don't put too much value on the education of people like ours. I have a greater chance of doing what I do successfully in foreign countries but not in India in my own country. I like that I get to play some role in the development of underprivileged people or semi underprivileged and would love to get deeper into it. I actually like being where I am, doing what I do.

Then, came a boy. The perfect man I had been looking for, fairly intellectual, intelligent. He ghosted me, guessing that he got bored of me. People in my circle warned against seeing those high standard boys belonging to metro city as they tend to have "many options". Then came my ex, who made me feel like the most unworthy person in the entire universe. He had a problem with the institution I worked in( and also my appearance, my way of socialising, lack of exposure )even though it's very tough to get into here and repeatedly asked me to apply to the ones in the metro not understanding I'd love to but I won't probably get selected. I am very simple in my appearance, I don't like to show off neither things relating to my intellect or myself, my lifestyle. This man treated me horribly, made me feel abandoned. He used to withhold info from me, would not inform me where he was but would gladly announce on fb. I don't use social media but for some reason I had to create an a/c. I saw his posts and to my surprise, he had many girls' love reactions on his posts (he holds a very high-paying prestigious job btw). One of the girls is someone who is in the same line of work as I am and has really great educational bg. She's worked at premium institutions serving the rich, and continues to serve in one. Now, I'd not have loved to work there as serving there wouldn't be meaningful but that institution is respected and if someone works there, they're deemed superior to the rest of the professionals. It made me feel the worst, I thought to myself why would he pay me attention when he has girls like her in his circle? This made me check others in his account, and most of them had the same background(same as him) and they paid him enough attention to make him feel good about himself. I didn't see myself playing an extraordinary role in his life or be special. I know, it irks me so much to think that but this is my worst insecurity come to life. Nonetheless, I'm grateful for what I have as many people would kill to be where I am and I have endured a lot, gone through many storms to arrive here. But the itch doesn't go away. I feel inferior, so much so that I don't want to date anyone ever or make connections. Lately I feel v detached, 'like wtf cares about this? I'd protect me and my world at all costs"

I'd definitely give therapy a try as this kind of feeling isn't normal at all. I don't want to see myself being pitched against others as well. Is it me who feels like this? Please give me some suggestions to cope with this, I feel like my work doesn't have any value and I don't deserve to be with anyone else.

I see many posts being made about why not to stalk your ex on social media and I agree to the premise, yesterday when I got depressed having seen his two new posts on fb, I felt the same. Then an unexpected shift happened in my thought pattern, now before discussing them I'd like to mention that getting over someone is not a competition, I abhor the idea of proving oneself superior to one's ex by bragging about how 'fast' the recovery happened or how fast they detached.

I saw a picture of my ex visiting a place where we had been planning to go for a long time. Yesterday I saw him posting a picture of himself in a locality of that said place, enjoying and just having fun. The smile on his face gave the impression that he was having a great time and the smile was not of a person who had recently broken up. When we were in a relationship, he had never put any efforts into his looks which made him appear older than he is. I saw him wearing tasteful trendy clothes and matching shoes that suit him. I wanted to give him a matching shirt and pair of pants similar to one's in the photo. I felt miserable for a while even though we've been broken up over two weeks and maintaining no-contact. I wouldn't necessarily say I have not been keeping well but even after acknowledging he isn't good for me and I'd be devastated, traumatised if we got back together again, I thought about him, constantly as well as my decision of being with him. I felt bad for myself, came to many a painful realisations about him and then I saw him, initially I felt bad then a shift occurred.

The fact that he was having fun and flaunting his trip shows to some extent how insignificant our relationship has been to him. The photo was posted with a "feeling good about life" caption. He's living his life, while I am here thinking of giving back to the society or do something to dedicate my love, to give these wandering feelings an outlet, to create other meaningful relationships. He once told me he gets detached quickly, but having spent a significant amount of time with someone, sharing many things, is it that easy to move on quickly? Or does it show that the person lacks empathy? And this might seem a little crazy but it seemed like he's putting efforts into his looks in order to appear impressive to attract others, I could be wrong here, because again I try not to be judgemental and weigh both sides but at the end of the day, I'm happy that he's happy, this act of his clearly shows that he's moved on and doesn't really care much, it also provided me the motivation to never look back and just get on with my life.

Are there any places in Asansol that are not shady and kind of for a lack of a better word, "sophisticated" where a woman would not be frowned upon or receive any unwanted advances or attention if she enjoys a drink? I'd love your suggestion! I would also want the location to be easily accessible. Safety is the first priority, anonymity not so much. I have started doing things alone and this one has been on my checklist for a long time. So if you happen to know of any such place, do let me know!

Remember that episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S where the guys go on a police ride-along with Pheobe's boyfriend, a car backfires which they initially thought was a gunshot? And how grateful was Ross afterwards? Well, something similiar happend to me today but I was in actual danger.

I went out on a walk today as these days have been taking quite a great toll on my mental health and I got caught in a middle of a violent storm. I couldn't see anything to seek a shelter in, was surrounded by big trees the branches of which could snap any moment. It was pitch black with a terrible downpour, my umbrella couldn't withstand the wind. I wasn't able to see anything and the only resort to show me the way was my device's flash. The only logical thing to do at that moment was to keep walking. I could hear the clouds roar, see the flashes of lightning around me, thought I'd be stuck by one, but somehow mustered up courage and kept walking but was terrified. At one point, even my flash stopped working for a few seconds and it was difficult to operate the phone. There wasn't a single soul out there and simultaneously I was afraid of stepping on a snake. I kept praying to God and when I got home I was so relieved that I was alive! Soaking wet from head to toe but boy, wasn't I grateful!!

Life's been really difficult lately, for the past couple of days, I have been comparing my life's achivements to that of others and blaming my life choices, circumstances and to some extent my lack of courage for where I am today although it took me quite a lot of struggle to get here. I was grounding myself with gratitude practices and was hoping for a reminder or something to happen to me in order to feel grateful. And then this happened. I have new-found respect for life.

Hey! I have been looking for books that sort of documents the healing from traumas faced by a woman or women in romantic relationships and how they made peace with what they'd been dealt with. Fiction and non-fiction both would work but I'd really appreciate if you don't suggest it starts with us and it's sequence along with eat, pray, love.

I have been in an on and off relationship with this really toxic human being and was unable to let him go. Something finally clicked during our last no contact phrase and I made some really good progress...I was enjoying my life and lo and behold, I saw missed calls from him on my blocklist. Me being the overthinker and concerned conundrum that I am, I decided to check whether he was doing well, without any promises of going back...then the following things unfolded-

1. He proposed a trip for us on that weekend but I was busy and didn't have the weekends off, to which he in his usual toxic manner replied, "I might not be available when you'd be free, so don't blame then",

2. I had a work thing in his city for which I was commuting to there for 3 days... That whole week I had been planning to see him on the last day, I let him know, he played along only for him to cancel the plan last minute because he had to get his "wisdom tooth" removed. When I asked why couldn't he have told me that the day before when according to his account he was given the appointment, he said he was not in the wrong because he was kind enough to let me know by noon,

3. Everything was going well, then I caught him using his dating app by making a fake profile, again. This time he got clever with his response, he said he got notified by mail that he'd got a match. Since his account was lying dormant, he knew someone was playing with him, so he decided to play along. And he played the classic blame game saying I lurked around in the app because I sought validation by flirting with other men...like seriously?!?! His profile was the fourth profile to be recommended, which clearly shows how dormant his profile is. Oh and he conveniently ignored the fact that he shouldn't be having a profile in the first place

4. After all this, he tried to patch things, I considered for a while and again he disappeared into the thin air!!!

I am so done with this vicious cycle, some people aren't capable of changing themselves or perhaps they simply don't love us enough to work on themselves. I don't know if I'm ever gonna find the courage to start something new with someone, but I definitely don't mind being alone. I want to erase him from my memories forever if given a chance. I don't care about him moving on and starting something with others as well, he might be perfect for someone else, but I experienced only the cruelty he subjected me to and I so don't deserve his cruelty!

I just had a realisation which I'd like to share.

I've always had lofty ideas of love, and romantic relationships in general. I genuinely enjoy isolation, my own company, in fact, I might've enjoyed it too much for I stayed single throughout my twenties until I turned 26 last year, (I am 27 now as a mystery of fact) I carried my lofty ideas with me, was very selective and critical in choosing a partner but eventually ended up with a treacherous toxic human being. My self esteem went for a toss, I was humiliated, cheated, manipulated to such an extent that I had to leave, leaving wasn't easy, it took me many attempts to finally reach this point of not caring.

Lately, especially in the evening or at night, I feel this strange mature kind of silent yearning, I find the nights to be soft, vulnerable and romantic. I feel like a soldier returning home having fought a great war, my hopes of being committed, staying in a healthy relationship are gone and yet I am not bothered. I am not seeking a partner or ready to go through another trial, I just like this, this soft craving for something I can't name yet, these evenings, nights and most importantly, this tranquility of mind. Peace, after all, comes at a great cost.

Now this is just my opinion, would love to know your take on this.

I had met a supposedly non-complicated simple guy a year back. Something, I can't quite put my finger on it, perhaps it was him bringing marriage 3 days after we started talking, gave me the ick and I kind of stopped talking to him. Later on, when we talked again, I was in a very complicated relationship. He offered me solace, used his past relationship as a reference to show me what real love feels like etc etc. He sort of tore into my ex multiple times, saying he hated that guy and because of guys like him all the men end up with a bad reputation. Now here's the twist. We became really close and good friends, in the beginning of our friendship, he'd mentioned that he'd never go into a casual relationship for sex but admitted in order to get over his ex, he used to hook up with women.

He criticised me for not blocking my ex saying "I'd never go back" while sending her (his ex)emails and talking to her on video call.

He started talking to a really good girl a few years younger than her but seeing me vulnerable one night he hit on me, proposed to have sex with him while I confided in him. Everytime he was asked about the said girl, he used to say, forget about her but then he travelled across state borders to a remote location to spend time with her which was a sweet gesture.

Upon returning he started texting me and said things didn't work out between them because she is young, and will pursue higher studies before she settles. By the time she finishes, he'll be too "old" that's why he dumped her. Like what?!?! I asked him why are you still texting me, and or whether he had feelings, he said bluntly, I'm emotionally dead, if "we" had to pursue something it had to be physical when the question of pursuing something didn't even arise. Oh yeah, he called himself selfish for contacting me again because he was feeling "horny".