u/cestbeaula

My partner is military and is the middle of 4 months away for work... it is stressful. He had 3 days of leave approved at the last minute and then is gone again for 2 months. He chose to come home.

He hadn't initially told MIL when he left because he told me he "didn't want to hear it" and didn't want a big family dinner. She found out weeks later and was pissed with him.

After coming home he waited until late the first day to let his family know he was home. His mom texted him directly, not in the family chat or even in the chat between the 3 of us, stating she wanted to see him.

We agreed on a short visit the second day... I was busy all day on day 3 and we wanted that evening to ourselves before spending months apart again. I was the only reason he went for the visit because he didn't really feel like it.

We get there and I mentioned to MIL we chose that time because his final day wouldn't work since neither of us would be in the mood. She brought up moving outside and I stated I didn't know how long he wanted to stay, she took that as I didn't want to visit her (also true) and she snapped that I must hate her as much as my own mom (we are low contact). I laughed her off.

An hour later FIL was signaling it was time to go because they had errands and she threw a fit because she wanted us to stay. We took the chance to leave.

But then she brings up how we need to do a big dinner with his siblings on the Saturday. He reminds her I had a course all day and she insists we can just come after. She wasn't accepting the answer and then said we'll have to let her know by end of day so she can invite the siblings. FIL snapped at told her to stop making everything into a referendum.

We left and then hours later she texts him privately again to see if we are coming, and only accepted the no when it came from him solo.

I'm happy we maintained our boundary but it leaves such a bad taste in my mouth. I had already told her we didn't want to so anything our final evening together and she then decided to pull this. No respect or consideration for us as a couple.

We work in Healthcare in the finance office, I was hired a year ago as a supervisor under the director of the department. I had a little experience supervising before but not with difficult employees.

We hired Bob 6 months ago for an AR clerk position. We had posted an AR lead position at the same time, he only wanted the lead but accepted the clerk when we told him it is unionized and we had to promote internally (to a very deserving clerk on top of that). This is his first real job.

We had high hopes, bright young man but we saw a lot of issues with unprofessionalism (which we expected), we tried coaching him through it. He started helping our AP clerk and suddenly that took over his whole day, very precise but super slow... many concerns were raised on his speed but he wouldn't listen.

Then the AP clerk position opened up, he was unionized and moved over a month ago. We hoped it would improve with him... it has gotten worse.

2 weeks ago I flagged he stopped printing emails (a weekly task) and the normal 200 unread inbox was at 650, he never said anything or asked for help. We set up a meeting to make a gameplan assuming he was overwhelmed and didn't realize the backlog he was creating. My regular work has been put on hold for over a week helping him. But he isn't helping himself.

Vendors are putting us on hold left and right, affecting patient care.

He is not taking it seriously. This past week he is barely maintaining regular workload, not making a dent in catching up. For the past month he has opened no physical mail or scanned his backup, the backlog is excessive, he refuses because he said that is the only thing other clerks can help him with and just keeps adding to the backlog.

Our director took 2 days off and he basically stopped working with just me supervising him. When I gave positive direction on what he doesn't need to do, which saves time, he got very sarcastic with me and I later saw him doing it (like manually re-adding all receipts on a manager approved reimbursement that was already verified).

He also started involving himself in discussions on patient matter and questioning why patients were here and if they aren't from here to ship them back where they came from.... which is unacceptable.

When dealing with doctors he started saying he will only call them by their first names because they don't deserve to be called doctors since they don't have a doctorate. I had to directly warn him doctors will complain to administration and to show respect.

He also becomes irate when posting (approved) travel reimbursements, going through receipts and yelling/ranting to other staff that someone claimed a full appetizer when their spouse was clearly with them. When I tell him it isn't his place to question what their manager approved for reimbursement he gets snarky like he knows better.

I also caught him putting certain manager/employee payments aside because he doesn't want to deal with them, saying he'll only do it when they come looking for their money. In one case it was a $9K reimbursement! All because someone insulted him by asking a question or not understanding his email.

Then he also started joking he knew an employees child and would complain to them about how poorly their parent fills in their reimbursement forms... I can only hope he was joking.

The only thing that worked yesterday was me having a visibly angry expression. He actually worked a little on Friday but he stopped again and started with the attitude. The worst part is he is loud and patients/doctors/staff may overhear him when they come into the office.

The other supervisor flagged me that Bob said he is taking our payroll position in 4 months when another employee retires. It is bold of him to assume he'll be eligible for it with his current performance. On top of that, he apparently was going to apply for a clinical manager position (that goes to experienced medical staff) thinking the hospital would make exceptions for a brand new finance clerk with no work experience - over nurses and other managers who have been here for years. So I'm getting the drift he thinks he is above this work and it just coasting until another position is available.

I messaged my director that we need to have a chat on Monday about Bob and outlined my concerns over (1) him not following instructions and not completing tasks I am giving him and (2) the open hostility towards myself/managers/doctors.

My director has wanted to go easy on him, keep him from getting discouraged and not overwhelm him because he seemed to have a lot of potential. But now he is running wild. The only thing that has worked is getting mad with him and my line of thinking is we need to start becoming stern with expectations and applying pressure to catch up... but I don't even know where to start. My director is also new to managing....

Last night there was a party for SILs birthday organized by her partner. Of course MIL would be there. I don't want to avoid being close to the extended family due to her, because then she wins.

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I did my best to bite my lip all evening despite the jabs about my eating speed, my partner being away or how I chose not to drink.... both MIL and oldest SIL were lightly picking on me.

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Party moves outside to the fire and I stood since I had to leave soon to pick up my dogs. She keeps singling me out to sit even though others are standing, which makes FIL and SILs partner start urging me to sit as well.

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I finally excuse myself and bump into SIL on my way out. We got into a really deep conversation about life, our relationships, and frustrations with MIL. Well after 10 minutes MIL spots us and beelines over making a loud announcement SIL isn't letting me leave.

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She then proceeds to stand right between us. We switched our conversation over and even though we are clearly talking directly to eachother, not having a group conversation, MIL keeps loudly commenting. She actually left twice and then came back in the additional 20 minutes I tried talking to SIL... so we broke it up and I went home frustrated.

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SIL are closest and have a lot in common. We are the same age. Comments got to me from my partner that indicate MIL is jealous I talk more freely with her daughters but it made sense since we are the same age... which only makes me more frustrated that she came over and stood there knowing we were having a private conversation.

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With SILs schedule/life our only chances to catch up are really at events where the family is all invited. So it really sucks we couldn't just be left alone to have our moment.

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I'm looking forward to there being only one more event for the next while where I'll have to see her and interact with her. If she'd just be a normal person I'd be able to interact and have open talks with her... but now I'm treated like one of her kids that has to be controlled and kept in line.

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I'm also hoping maybe if she realizes her butting in isn't being entertained that she'll eventually stop and realize I'm not going to let her in.

We aren't married but dating for 2 years, living together in my house since last year, he kept his apartment with everything he hasn't moved in and hasn't been there in months.

He is currently away for an extended period for work, he'll be back at the end of summer. There was a security incident at his apartment and luckily nothing was taken. He gave me the green light to move all his stuff. When the place is empty he'll give his notice.

We're all on a shared security camera account... his mom saw me moving a lot of stuff oht w weekends in a row. She didn't say anything to me initially but SIL told me she was making a lot of comments.

SIL hosted a get together the other night and tensions were high with MIL poking at both me and SIL, trying to force trip planning and being controlling and judgmental.

I had shared at one point that I was given permission to move all of my partner's stuff into our home. She doesn't like that at all. She started going on about first time homebuyers accounts and how he can't give up his apartment and live in my house because he'll lose all of that. I snapped and told her he only ever put $1K in there and he doesn't care about it, we don't make decisions like this over tax planning. He's losing $1K every month he keeps the apartment for storage which could be going towards saving for a bigger house.

Considering I'm in finance I explained to her how this stuff works and how he still has options available to him. She basically treated me like I was stupid and didn't know what I was talking about. Saying he should keep it another year or two, just in case... now I understand why other SIL has been living with her boyfriend for 3 years and still keeps her apartment.

SIL assured me after MIL left we were making rhe right decision, that she was proud of her brother for wanting to move forward in our life together.

I spoke to my partner the next day who told me she was being ridiculous. It brought up a memory from before we lived together... I had shared with her my frustrations that living together would give us more time together with his hectic schedule. She said FIL would never approve of living together before marriage... when his 2 sisters are doing that already. When I told him about it, he said FIL wouldn't care and that his mom was being controlling.

When he found out she wanted him to spend more than double on rent compared to any benefit he might get not doing this, he found it hilarious.

He told me not to tell her yet that he was putting his notice once we're done moving things slowly and to turn off the camera when I do it if she is going to be making comments.

This feels like a victory.

JNMIL is awful... one of those ones who is the center of the universe and always making jabs at people. You opt out of events and get the "family comes first" guilt trip.

DH is military... this year we got 10 days notice he was leaving for 3 months, plus he was working or out of town every one of those days. We've both been a wreck.

Last year when this happened the in-laws made sure to include me in a lot of their get togethers, which is where my relationship with MIL shifted. She went from nice and supportive to making jabs about me and my relationship by the end of the summer. She treats me how she treats DH.

When DH came back the dynamic shifted and it became like a pissing contest with her. She was mad that it was the first year I knew he was coming back and she didn't. That he took me out and didn't visit her. It made sense before me... she has access to one of his accounts in case he goes away, and needed to know when he was gone, but now he has me and she isn't needed.

This year DH said he didn't want to tell his family yet, he didn't want to hear it from MIL, apparentlylast year she guilt tripped him so bad that he thought I was going to leave him. I agreed because they get so excited he is leaving because then they get to drag me around all summer since their kids don't want to hang out with them. His mom kept talking about doing a family camping trip this summer and I don't even want to hear about it. I lost the summer I thought we'd have together again.... they don't understand what I'm going through. He leaves for 3 months, they only see him maybe 3-6 times in that period. He is a part of my life. They get their partners whenever they want, I have to do everything alone and with little available contact.

Plus if she knew he was leaving she would have planned some big family dinner last night (they had one coincidentally and we opted out) where the focus would be him leaving when we needed our time together.

He left this morning (I'm a complete mess today). Yesterday we were running errands and picked up something form her house. She was home alone so we stayed for 15 minutes to talk.... then she followed us to the car. Stood so I couldn't close my driver's door. She kept cheerfully (very fake) asking about the camping plans even though we kept saying we don't know. We told her we had errands to run, she said we always have that excuse. I say DH really isn't feeling good today (he even went to the hospital) and she starts making jabs that he drinks too much or got too high.... when the truth was he made himself sick with stress.

We finally left and it got on our last nerve... we ended up arguing and ruining our last day together. Now comes the waiting for when she inevitably finds out he left town for months... which will be within a week.

I don't even know. Right now I just want to isolate myself and wait for him to come home, keep busy with work and events. But I'd love to have time with the in-laws if she'd stop constantly reminding me he is gone or making it a circus about how much free time I have now...

This one seems worse than before. I'm grateful that he has only ever gone 3 months at a time.... but 3 months is still a long time when your support person is just gone. He is reserves but has a full-time contract. Gone many weekends and the summers to teach.

It gets harder when people don't get it. My own family believes I should find someone who stays local, the in-laws (who only see him once a month) are ecstatic because they can drag me out with them, and friends don't even know what to say. It hurts going to events solo when everyone else has their partners.

Last year he got depressed while away and shut down, barely any communication. That made me feel extremely depressed, which then transitioned to seasonal depression... I was finally coming out of it and feeling like myself again.

He's been away almost every single weekend leading training this year but I thought things were finally easing up. We've been feeling the strain.

A month ago he told me he wasn't leaving this year. Then 2 weeks later, on a really bad day, they tell him he leaves after the long weekend, when he is already scheduled to be teaching out of town for most of the time in between. I was devastated and took a day to balance out and start being optimistic about summer plans for myself.

He had a breakdown at work and his boss said they'd see what they can do. Rather than being honest about his, and my, mental health impact from never getting a break (we can't even book a damn vacation) he made it about not getting deployments or courses he wants.

Early yesterday he told me at a meeting his name was off the instructor list... so he was staying home. We were so excited and I felt the weight come off my shoulders.

Then 9pm his boss calls and starts digging deeper into why he doesn't want to go, trying to see if he'll open up. He kept maintaining he's just frustrated and his boss says they are trying to get him out of it but it is proving difficult. Also saying maybe they'll swap him to instruct somewhere else. So basically he still leaves this Tuesday.

I overheard the call and left the room to cry before it was even over. I can't take the whiplash of getting my hopes crushed repeatedly. He completely shut down. To make matters worse, he was of course leaving this morning to teach again for 3 days and that was supposed to be our one relaxing night together since he only got back again Monday. We couldn't even get that.

We fought this morning before he left... over stupid stuff like garbage bags and misplaced items. It wasn't the goodbye either of us wanted because now we only get 2 days together when he gets back, and those will be packing days. I was so sick to my stomach all day I had to leave work early.

At first I thought it was just me, that I wasn't being strong enough or that I was being too needy... but he seems to be going through the same thing and he is the strong one who sees these leaves as vacations from work. He is agitated, exhausted and seems on the verge of a complete breakdown.

I don't even know what to do. Therapy hasn't helped me, he refuses to go, because therapy doesn't help with the anticipatory grief before he leaves... I can only really cope once he is gone.

We spoke after he left and apologized. He's trying to keep spirits up to make a big pasta dinner when he is back. But he still keeps saying he is working on staying home... I can even see that ship has sailed and it will probably hit him the hardest when he actually leaves.

We adopted our 2 year old male cat a couple of months ago. Since then I've been home every evening/night since.

The in-laws left town for a week, asking us to stay at their house with their 2 dogs (we also have 2 dogs). This is our first time doing this with the cat.

We started Wednesday evening and I thought the plan was solid. I come back every morning and spend a half hour at home, refresh food, and drop my dogs off at home for the day. After work we spend an hour or two at home and then leave with the dogs for the night, cleaning his litter and filling his bowl.

It seemed to be going well until last night (night 3). After work he didn't want to see us for those 2 hours, sitting in the dog cage by himself. I got home this morning (off for the weekend) planning to spend a few hours with him....

He was still sitting in the cage. Food untouched, treats left on the ground from last night. I had to take him out of the cage, he did use his litter.

I feel horrible and I don't know what to do. We didnt want to stay at each house separately since my partners been out of town the past month and leaves again next week. We didn't want to bring their dogs here worrying it would stress out the cat and their dogs. But now our cat isn't happy and I've never seen him turn down food.

We also have a week long trip planned in October, so now I'm more concerned how he'll handle the dogs being with a sitter and a stranger checking on him twice a day, considering us seeing him isn't even helping.

Any advice?