I have written a prose piece [OC] as an attempt to encompass my experience which lasted 10 years, seeking consolation.

shrewd as a snake, innocent as a dove

Whenever I'd hold up the same mirror they'd use to tear apart my character with their own perception, they'd get angry and loud and aggressive. they'd punch holes in the wall and break down doors. They wanted me to stay silent because they wanted their words to be the only truth I would acknowledge.

They kept me afraid
I'm not sure why they'd be praised for demonstrating calmness
They're calculated and intentional
The way they deceive
The way they would win

Real trauma makes your voice shake
it makes you tremble
You have nightmares and howl when you're startled awake because they remind you of the reality you left behind
It coexists with you

can it find me again?

It makes you scream in somebody's face when they misunderstand you
you've explained yourself for so long
yearning for connection
They refuse to hear your words

why don't they believe me?

It makes you demonstrate emotions
you have no control over
They demonstrate emotion with purpose
to harm and silence

Behind closed doors
They intercept your message
Nobody will hear the alarms
Theirs shrill louder while yours are gagged

Have you apologized to the person who has harmed you?

And the noises you'd make
you would scream and cry
the degradation of your sense of self
disregarded when they crawl behind their camouflage
You come back again
treading lighter

If you stomp your feet too loudly
they're terrified
you may draw the attention of someone
to save you
They come out of hiding
to prey on you again
You're frozen
a gazelle faced with the lion in an open plain
They camouflage
you come back to graze
Maybe this time you could just be quieter

They have an insatiable appetite
until the happiness they're afraid of
becomes dispossessed
Your happiness troubles them
My findings would convey
they want your demise

A statement disguised as care
The frequency feels unsettling
They say something cruel and disturbing
with undeniable malice
a shriek of anguish
seeks to understand

HOW COULD THEY STILL THINK THIS OF ME?

No acknowledgement
their statements unfounded

Their truth dare breathed into existence
Their superiority disguised as concern
Dismantling their inflated ego at risk
a malicious fabrication to bait

Please don't hurt yourself

And at the end of it all
Nobody came to save me
They came with handcuffs when I couldn't stay calm
They rejected my truth the same way
the perpetrator silenced me

I don't want to hurt myself

I am traumatized

Here are the key concepts behind both Epistemic Trauma and Epistemic Injustice, in order to help you identify them. Learning these words has given me more power in communication about my trauma.

Epistemic Trauma:

• You stop trusting your own perception: “Did that really happen, or am I overreacting?”
• You feel like you need outside confirmation before believing your own memory, feelings, or interpretation.
• You become hyper-focused on evidence: You gather documentation such as screenshots, timelines, exact wording and receipts because your reality has been repeatedly disputed.
• You second-guess your ability to explain yourself and feel pressure to be perfectly clear so you won’t be misunderstood or dismissed.
• You feel shame or confusion around knowing what you know: like you can sense the truth, but feel “crazy” for naming it.

Epistemic Injustice [particularly painful when you have a mental illness diagnosis weaponized against you]:

• You’re treated as unreliable before you even speak: like your emotions, history, diagnosis, or “tone” are used to discredit you.
• Your lived experience is dismissed as exaggeration: “You’re being dramatic,” “that’s not abuse,” “you’re reading into it.”
• You’re denied the words to name what happened: because the other person controls the framing, labels, or “official” version of events.
• Your credibility depends on who is listening: the same truth is ignored from you but accepted when said by someone with more authority.

I have written a prose piece [OC] as an attempt to encompass my experience, seeking consolation.

shrewd as a snake, innocent as a dove

Whenever I'd hold up the same mirror they'd use to tear apart my character with their own perception, they'd get angry and loud and aggressive. they'd punch holes in the wall and break down doors. They wanted me to stay silent because they wanted their words to be the only truth I would acknowledge.

They kept me afraid
I'm not sure why they'd be praised for demonstrating calmness
They're calculated and intentional
The way they deceive
The way they would win

Real trauma makes your voice shake
it makes you tremble
You have nightmares and howl when you're startled awake because they remind you of the reality you left behind
It coexists with you

can it find me again?

It makes you scream in somebody's face when they misunderstand you
you've explained yourself for so long
yearning for connection
They refuse to hear your words

why don't they believe me?

It makes you demonstrate emotions
you have no control over
They demonstrate emotion with purpose
to harm and silence

Behind closed doors
They intercept your message
Nobody will hear the alarms
Theirs shrill louder while yours are gagged

Have you apologized to the person who has harmed you?

And the noises you'd make
you would scream and cry
the degradation of your sense of self
disregarded when they crawl behind their camouflage
You come back again
treading lighter

If you stomp your feet too loudly
they're terrified
you may draw the attention of someone
to save you
They come out of hiding
to prey on you again
You're frozen
a gazelle faced with the lion in an open plain
They camouflage
you come back to graze
Maybe this time you could just be quieter

They have an insatiable appetite
until the happiness they're afraid of
becomes dispossessed
Your happiness troubles them
My findings would convey
they want your demise

A statement disguised as care
The frequency feels unsettling
They say something cruel and disturbing
with undeniable malice
a shriek of anguish
seeks to understand

HOW COULD THEY STILL THINK THIS OF ME?

No acknowledgement
their statements unfounded

Their truth dare breathed into existence
Their superiority disguised as concern
Dismantling their inflated ego at risk
a malicious fabrication to bait

Please don't hurt yourself

And at the end of it all
Nobody came to save me
They came with handcuffs when I couldn't stay calm
They rejected my truth the same way
the perpetrator silenced me

I don't want to hurt myself

I am traumatized

A post in a certain subreddit piqued my interested.

The OP had declared a mental illness diagnosis and claimed that it was being weaponized against them in a nefarious manner.

The OPs writing was clear, concise and comprehensible.

The OP presented the sub with a list of questions, also clear, concise and comprehensible.

The screenshot attached shows their questions only, so no bias can be formed against their plea for help and their diagnosis.

These people had no intentions to help OP. Their intentions are to cause them harm. Intentionally. It's obvious

MY COMMENTS WERE DELETED DUE TO BEING "OFF-TOPIC"

How the actual f**k was the comment from the mentally ill person projecting their own mental failings onto someone else relevant to answering OPs questions? HOW?

I believe that the only reason OP was dismissed and metaphorically torn to pieces, is because they relinquished a vulnerability to the masses set to prey on those who display weakness.

What kind of terror is this?

Have we been forsaken?

I'll just leave my screenshotted sleuthing history here....

What is even going on in the replies to this post? Like, okay, I understand being gentle with someone maybe having a severe psych crisis. But, usually the posts in this group, especially the ones where patients exhibit negative or concerning psych behaviors, have very little responses that are brutally direct and honest, or just get left with no reply at all.

​

This post and the amount of responses that are eerily similar honestly sent shivers down my spine, but I can't quite put my finger on why.

​

Like some weird circle jerk that nobody willingly joined, but somehow the ones that did know the rules

​

I mentioned to my partner that I think Al has actually taken over. He said that maybe the OP is an Al that has become sentient and is confusing water cooling with blood. He was being sarcastic but he might actually be on to something....

​

I'll preface by saying I'm not a scholar by any means, so this question may be naive. But, when considering the average weight loss percentage for the various GLP-1s for a 12-week period..I guess, my main question for these weight loss percentages is, what was the average starting weight of the trial group? Is that taken into consideration?

​

Like, for example, I've watched a lot of my 600-pound life and it is relatively "normal" for people who are massively overweight (600+ lbs) to lose a significant body weight percentage in the first few months by following the "diet" and cutting down to <1400 calories a day.

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From my understanding, the higher the weight you start at, the higher percentage of body weight you'll lose in a shorter amount of time, if you go into an immediate calorie deficit.

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Maybe I'm naive and don't know what I'm talking about, so I'm open to be educated further.

&#x200B;

Age: 31

Sex: Female

Height: 5'6"

Weight: 190 lbs

Location: California

Medical conditions:

- Bipolar I disorder

- ADHD

- Type 2 diabetes

- PCOS

- Possible Hashimoto's thyroiditis (positive thyroid antibodies, awaiting endocrinology follow-up)

Current medications:

- Adderall IR 20 mg twice daily

- Caplyta 42 mg daily

- Lamictal 100 mg daily

- Jardiance 10 mg daily

- Mounjaro 10 mg weekly

- Omeprazole 40 mg twice daily

- Melatonin 10 mg nightly

- Magnesium glycinate/lysinate 400 mg daily

- L-theanine 200 mg daily

My question is about benzodiazepines and whether my expectations are unreasonable or if there are specific medical concerns that I may not fully understand.

When I was younger, before my ADHD diagnosis, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and was prescribed Klonopin 0.5 mg twice daily. Within the past year, my psychiatrist has given me an allotment of qty five 0.5mg klonopin tablets to use as a sort of "rescue medicine" spread out over the course of 30 days.

In my experience, benzodiazepines are the most effective treatment I have ever taken for what I experience as severe racing thoughts, rumination, and negative thought spirals. These thoughts spiral into a negative feedback loop of self-depracation. I have been in therapy over the course of the past 15 years and in these times I consider crisis, there are no coping mechanisms I can implement to control what is happening.

The main issue I struggle with is not the physical manifestations of anxiety (rapid heart rate, sweating, trembling, etc.). Instead, I experience episodes where my thoughts become increasingly self-critical and repetitive, almost like a negative feedback loop that I cannot interrupt on my own. Historically, during my worst periods, I have engaged in self-harm as a way of externalizing or interrupting what was happening in my mind. I haven't practice self-harm for about 5 years now due to the fear of judgement from others, and being told I just do it for attention.

Over the years, I have tried numerous alternatives including antidepressants, antihistamines, beta blockers, and other medications used to treat the physiological symptoms of anxiety. Many either did not help the racing thoughts or caused physical sedation without actually stopping the mental distress. Klonopin has proven to reliably interrupted the thought spiral itself.

Recently, I was prescribed baclofen and took 20 mg as a single dose, based on my interpretation of my doctor's instructions. I became extremely sedated and nearly blacked out, which reinforced my concern that many alternatives seem to affect me physically without addressing the mental symptoms I'm trying to treat. I was stuck laying in bed for hours, as the thoughts only continued.

My question for physicians is:

Why are benzodiazepines generally avoided so strongly in situations like mine, even when the patient is requesting a very limited quantity (for example, 5 tablets of Klonopin 0.5 mg per month) for infrequent but severe episodes?

Are physicians primarily concerned about addiction, dependence, cognitive effects, worsening bipolar disorder, interactions with my other medications, liability concerns, or something else?

Given my diagnoses and medication list, are there specific risks that would make a doctor reluctant to prescribe even a very small PRN supply?

I'm not seeking personal treatment recommendations or trying to argue for a prescription. I'm genuinely trying to understand the medical reasoning behind the reluctance, because from the patient perspective it feels like the one class of medication that has historically addressed the specific symptom I'm struggling with is being ruthlessly denied.

My boyfriend is a 6’2”, ~200 lb adult male with epilepsy. He is 29 years old, and was first diagnosed with juvenile myoclonic epilepsy when he was 24. His current medications are lamotrigine (Lamictal) 600 mg/day total (300 mg morning and night), escitalopram (Lexapro) 10 mg daily, Adderall 20 mg twice daily, and lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg occasionally as a rescue med when he has an aura and also if he's experiencing insomnia. He also drinks alcohol, usually 1 or 2 IPAs as a night-cap, but recently there have been episodes of heavier drinking (for example, at least ~4 oz of whiskey in one evening while still taking his medications).

He has also been on a ketogenic diet and lost about 20 lbs over the last ~1.5 months.

I have known him for 9 years and been in a relationship with him for 7 years. This year, we were apart for about 2 months and started seeing each other daily again on May 9th. Since reconnecting in person, I have noticed behavioral and cognitive changes that are concerning to me and feel very different from his baseline personality and functioning.

He is normally extremely intelligent, detail-oriented, cautious, and high functioning professionally (mechanical engineer working in defense/weapons development).

However, lately he seems unusually distracted, impulsive, careless, and at times almost “ungrounded,” like part of his attention or awareness is missing.

Some examples:

Increasingly impulsive decisions and risk-taking

Lying/manipulating others to justify impulsive behavior or gain support for decisions

Repeatedly forgetting important things he normally would never overlook

Leaving doors open repeatedly despite learning that our newly adopted dog was an "escape artist"

Leaving medications accessible to dogs

One incident where a dog may have gotten into his seizure medication bottle

Shortly afterward, I found the front door was left wide open

Making simple mistakes that feel very out of character for him (example: accidentally switching the thermostat to “heat” instead of “cool” when asked to turn on the AC)

Individually these sound minor, but the pattern feels very abnormal compared to how he has functioned for years. The most concerning part to me is that when these things happen, he often denies that anything is wrong, minimizes the issue, or has explanations for why the behavior is reasonable. He can still appear mostly “normal” to other people socially, but when I’m around him closely I feel strongly that something is off cognitively or behaviorally.

Another important point I think should be noted is that his epileptologist has explained to him that getting good sleep is one, if not, the most important aspect of managing his epilepsy and preventing seizures.

The past couple of years I have noticed an increase in obsession about ensuring he has enough "good" sleep. Sometimes he would go into work around lunchtime so he could get more sleep. He has purchased a Samsung watch and religiously monitors his "sleep score" to the point where I believe he takes that into consideration more than how he actually feels. If he has a bad sleep score, he will frequently continue to sleep until the afternoon & even take an ativan around 8am when he should be getting up, in order to promote tiredness.

At this time, the hyper-vigillance of ensuring good sleep has escalated to the point where it seems he will do anything to fall asleep if he is having a hard time. One night he has taken 100mg trazadone, and an ativan later. He has taken some of my own prescriptions such as klonopin and propranolol to help him go to sleep. He has even gone as far as using his nayzillam which is a nasal spray prescribed to stop seizure activity during a tonic clonic episode (if we didn't discover the manufacturer's coupon, he'd be paying close to $1500 for a single dose. I say this to stress that this medication should ONLY be used in an absolute life or death emergency such as a prolonged tonic clonic episode or status epilepticus). I think that the anxiety he has around sleep has created a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.

I am wondering:

Could alcohol combined with this medication regimen plausibly cause this type of behavioral/cognitive change?

Could Adderall + alcohol + sleep disruption contribute to hypomania/mania-like symptoms or impaired judgment?

Could epilepsy itself or seizure-related neurological issues present this way?

At what point would this warrant urgent neurological or psychiatric evaluation?

I know nobody can ensure an accurate diagnosis online, but I would appreciate opinions on whether this sounds medically concerning versus something that could reasonably be explained by stress/alcohol/simple distraction.

Thanks in advance for any and all help. I'm willing to answer any questions to the best of my ability.

Does anyone have tips, tricks or know of any online pharmacies that reduce or have the best price for Dexcom G7? Does the 15-day G7 have a better price?

For expensive medications I usually use the manufacturer's coupon, but Dexcom only offers a coupon to use without private insurance. I do plan to call my insurance today and see what other options I have, but wanted to get suggestions from other Dexcom users as well.

Thanks!