u/cloudy_novella

I feel like I need to have a little rant about the myth that “traveling with baby is so easy”. The amount of times I’ve been told things like, “now’s the time to travel!”, “make the most of mat leave and take some big trips while she’s small”, “this will be the easiest that it ever is to travel with her - just wait until she’s a toddler”.

My baby is 4 months old, we’re on our second international trip to visit family at the moment, and we’ve just cancelled the third trip that we were supposed to go on in October because it’s just not fair on her. I’ve also said we’re not booking any more trips this year. But I feel like some people (family who haven’t met her yet, people I know who had very easy traveling babies) are making out like this is a selfish (even lazy?) decision and that I’m somehow taking opportunities away from them or my baby by not doing more.

Maybe my baby is particularly sensitive, I don’t know. But every time we go away, her little body, spirit and mind just get zapped. Her sleep goes out the window - we had a 7 hour sleep day yesterday when she usually gets 12-13, she didn’t poo for 48 hours when she’s usually a once a day gal, and she’s so much more fussy. It breaks my little heart for her and I feel like an evil parent putting her through it 😓 Not to mention that I’m also 10x more exhausted than I would be at home. On top of that, when we get home, it takes her about 5 business days to readjust. And this is despite us doing all we can to keep her comfort and emotional regulation at the absolute forefront.

We’re going to enjoy the rest of the year at home, and anyone who wants to meet her can come to us. I just wanted to let this out in case anyone else is feeling pressured to go on trips/“make the most” of their mat leave/see family in faraway places, etc. Do what’s best for your baby ❤️

My baby is only 4 months old but I’ll likely have to go back to work when she’s 9 months, so we’re starting to think about childcare options.

I’m just wondering if an au pair is a realistic option when you don’t have a massive house? I don’t personally know anybody who has an au pair, and in my head it’s only people with massive houses or even separate floors/annexes/granny flats available.

Our home isn’t tiny, but we live in a pretty standard UK new build. It’s 4 bed, with 2 double bedrooms (one of which the au pair would have and it has its own en-suite). It’s very much a family home - there’s no separate private living space - the au pair would just have their room as their own area.

Do you think this could work or would the au pair feel a bit claustrophobic? Would we feel a bit claustrophobic too? I know so much of it depends on your au pair and their personality, but would be great to hear if anyone else has experience of this.

The main reason we’re considering this is for language exposure. I was lucky enough to be raised in a bilingual home and speak 2 languages fluently and natively. I’d love my baby to have the same experience but it feels unnatural not speaking English with her. The idea would be that the au pair speaks their native language (my bilingual language) with our baby, so she gets consistent daily exposure.

Edit to add: Thank you to everyone pointing out that an au pair might not be the right fit for such a young baby. We both WFH and it would only be around 15 hours of childcare a week, but I completely appreciate the comments, and perhaps we will look for a nanny until baby girl is older ☺️

My baby is 16 weeks (nearly 4 months) old, and until a few weeks ago she was sleeping delightfully. She had no problem being transferred into her next-to-me cot asleep, we were getting predictable stretches of 3-4 hours, bridged by short feeds (15-20 mins). Then the 4 month sleep regression hit…

Now she wakes every 45-60 minutes overnight, all night long, and often needs lengthy feeds that turn into comfort suckling in between these short cot stints. We also have far more failed transfers, which seem to restart the clock, and she then needs up to an hour of feeding/resettling before I can try another transfer. One of the hardest things is that sometimes she never actually falls into a deep enough sleep to transfer her - she just cycles through a suckling and snoozing loop, meaning I have to stay awake the whole time.

I’m getting around 2-3 hours of sleep a night if I’m lucky (in chunks, never in a stretch), and I’m starting to lose my mind. My partner is exceptionally supportive but given that she will only feed to sleep, there is only so much he can do. This has been going on for about 3 weeks so far.

So, in summary:
- 16 week old, exclusively breast fed baby, still feeds every 1.5-2 hours during the day, but was previously able to go up to 4 hours without a feed overnight
- Only sleeping 45-60 minute chunks at a time and is needing far more feeding/comfort in between stretches to resettle, and has also started waking more on transfer and getting upset
- Bed sharing is categorically not an option because we aren’t able to create a safe enough environment
- Baby has only ever been successfully fed to sleep, even though we’ve tried rocking/bouncing
- Have tried placing baby in cot “drowsy but awake”, but this has never been successful, and always results in a full wake-up, crying, and a long resettling process
- While feeding to sleep is ultimately what gets her to sleep, we do have a fairly consistent night time routine that includes other sleep associations, such as being changed into fresh pyjamas, putting her sleep sack on, white noise, dark room
- Aware of sleep pressure and wake windows and don’t feel like this is the problem (she has about 3 hours worth of contact naps during the day and usually has a wake windows of 2 hours before bed time)

The question is - what do I do?

There’s so much conflicting advice. Some people say that if you can ride out the regression, sleep will get better by itself at the other side. Others say that sleep will be fundamentally broken until you teach/train your baby to sleep independently. Some say you should prioritise comfort/nervous system regulation during this time, so it’s better not to make big changes. Others say that this is when babies are most adaptable and accepting of new routines.

I know nobody has a crystal ball, and each baby is different, but has anyone done the research into what the objective best way to survive the regression is?

My heart is telling me to keep doing what we’re doing, even though it’s hard, because she gets so much comfort from being fed to sleep, and I don’t think any of us are emotionally equipped for any methods that involve crying. The caveat is that this is a short-term method and not a long-term solution. If it’s only going to be another few weeks, then we can handle that. But if we’re stuck in sleep regression jail until she learns to fall and stay asleep by herself, then this is obviously not a viable option.

Any help much appreciated!