My shopping cart is full, telling me to hit order.
'Winter is coming, you can finish them all"
It's out of nowhere, like some puzzle-obsessed guy/lady died in the building and their spirit is controlling me .
I'd go above and beyond for her if only she wasn't so cruel to me all these years.
I know she will repeat her behavior if I go to her again.
I just don't understand why she can't see that my brother doesn't care about her and why she could never love me. I loved her that's why I let her hurt me for decades.
I work out 3 times a week, but I can do calf raises waiting for my coffee, I can do push ups when I come home or on my lunch break, stretches before shower etc.
I want to do easy small ones so I can stay more consistent. I feel like when I take rest days I'm more tempted to take more days until I stop working out , but I also have to take rest days, I can't work out every day.
I'm trying to do push ups for months, but I feel like my core keeps failing me.
I workout 3 times a week with dumbbells at home, and try to target all muscle groups in a week.
I feel like my anterior pelvic tilt is effecting my core strength , maybe I am wrong, tell me if I'm wrong.
When I'm trying to do push ups, it's not tight enough
Also I can't find a reason why I remember those ones for life and not others. Theu aren't the most interesting or scary ones.
One dream that I remember is almost as old as me. I was maybe in 2nd grade.
Do you remember your dreams as memories?
It's more practical to walk or take the public transportation. I hate to look for a parking space, and I hate traffic.
I bought it 10 years ago, for a different place and job.
I keep it for emergencies, long distance travel (not even once a year) .
What would you do?
If something happens to my home, it's an option for me and my cat, and if a disaster happens like an earthquake, again it will be our vehicle. Other than those scenarios I don't need a car.
I wish it wasn't that hard for her to love me.
Even an honest conversation and confession would be more merciful. Why don't they understand that how cruel they are?
Looking back, everything was so obvious and I was an idiot. Maybe that's why they did all that, I wasn't reacting in the correct way? I let them ruin my life?
Once I involved a third party (legal), they stopped, but it's too late. The damage is done, they will just stay back.
Holiday season, some years it's just another day, some years I do my own thing but alone. I tried to make my home an option too, but people are too conservative about that. Being the single one in the family keeps you 'immature' in their eyes. Then all my relationships sort of grew apart. I don't like people in my house anymore.
Meals, I don't have set meal times and rules, because I don't have kids or someone else that I eat with, so breakfast food may look like dinner, dinner may look like breakfast, and I don't even have set hours. I just eat whenever.
Vacation, I usually go on vacation when everyone else is home so I avoid school break crowds and prices.
I had anxiety about everything, even driving, not just social situations.
All of them is gone. My shame is gone.Even breathing would be hard in social situations. I would not be able to talk, or stand, my knees would shake for the smallest exchanges.
It's horrifying how strong of an effect they have on us.
Nocontact really is the best detoxification.
Unbelievable.
It will be 3 year in a month. I'm getting better day by day. It's sad that the only solution is nocontact, but this is not my fault. My brother never had to experience any of this because he was the chosen child.
I wish my brain felt safe. I guess that's the closure I want . I want to feel safe from them for the rest of my life.
I'm completely alone in life. I don't have a partner , I'm not a visible person, I don't have a well respected job that I interact with people everyday, like a teacher or a nurse. I have noone to be a character witness for me.
Maybe once a month I interact with random people for errands, like a dentist appointment, car mechanic, grocery clerks.
I have a mom, but she never was a mom to me.
She hates me since day one. She never even respected me as a human being.
It just gets to me.
My brother has a 'mom'. It pisses me off so much.
I know she can be a great mom, I watched her for decades adoring and spoiling my brother.
There are so many simple experiences that I couldn't get from her. I never went her crying, she never soothed me, protected me.
I never felt that I loved. I 've just begrudgingly taken care of by her.
I wish I didn't care . I will like somebody owes me .
I wached a video where they talked about strength standards for women. For many exercises they said 50-75% percent of your body weight should be the standard . I also read posts here from really strong women, I'm not close at all and struggling. I'm trying my best, but struggling.
How much can you lift for each exercise?
When did you start strength training?
I think it will take years for me to be able to do those weights.
I just got into the bed. I have my own apartment, I have a cat sleeping in my bed, I ate whatever I wanted and whenever I wanted. I had a silly hairstyle and I wore silly clothes. If I lived in a nursing home , probably I'd be on a strict schedule .
Sometimes I become aware of my 'good days', and it saddens me. It's like anticipatory grief
Today I also tidied up a little bit. Lifted heavy winter rugs on to the higher shelves. It was easy for me. I am still strong and my posture is good enough for lifting things above my head.
I watched my grandparents getting old, frail and then die. Now my mother is in her 70s, next is me. It's scary.
My legs show better progress and I'm not even lifting heavy with them. Total 15kg dumbbell workouts with legs.
I feel like I'm only accumulating fat in my arms.
My face, my body, my libido, my will to live, my relationships, my personality... I cut everybody off. That one is a good change. They all needed to go.
Literally, my personality has changed. I was such an anxious, nonconfrontational people pleaser. Now I'm ready to fight.
If I changed this much on the outside, I wonder what's going on inside. I am scared. Aging is scary
My family is an aging one. My mother, the head villain is in her 70s, her sidekick, my brother is almost 50. Everyone else is grown up , some moved out of town, nobody gets together anymore.
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We are also in a different era, you can ask the internet about your problems, boom, boundaries, toxic family dynamics et al . Every question is answered, people have options, noone is taking the abuse anymore.
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For now, it looks like my mother, my brother and his family are left wit each other. My sister in law will divorce my brother
if my mom tries to triangulate her and kids to create a new scapegoat. She can't risk it, lol.
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It seems like my mother became a victim of herself.
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If only she could behave. ...
I am healing.
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I really feel like someone stopped the daily poisonous infusion to my veins. My health is better, my mood is better, my confidence and social skills are better, I'm not having heart palpitations and tremors . My autoimmune disorders are in remission.
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My face muscles are relaxed, I don't look like I'm grieving 24/7.
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If estrangement caused this much change on me, I wonder if it's effecting them at all? Maybe they just moved on?