u/crystal-to-sand

Ive felt a steady line of depressed for the majority of my life. Hyperfocusing on all my traumas and lamenting in the pain of it all on and off on an off for two decades. With just a mix of passive suicidality that just nothing ever happens with it. So i know when it does get that bad. It passes. Even when it feels like i always just end back there. I lack motivation and action haha.

This past year has been the worst of my entire existence. Starting with the loss of my 18yr old emotional support cat whom I had since 10th grade and was with me through everything. I buried him at my partner of 16 years parents house as the home we grew up in had sold and i didnt own my land. I cried everyday for 6 months.

My partner then started getting paranoid which i was too depressed to pay much attention to his actions. Turns out he was hiding heavy drugs in house and was well into taking them.

Started finding “reasons” to be paranoid about me. An so began 6 months of interrogations that were recorded every step of the way. Initially i allowed to prove my trust. Quickly began to realize my mistake. Esp after bearing all my darkest thoughts an vulnerabilities to him in order to prove my trust to him.

As he continued to lose his mind as he berated me with questions and insinuations and not trusting a word i said. To the point where he brought a recording to my therapist which i allowed to let her see how unstable things had become.

She described it as a prisoner of war being interrogated.

In his degrading mental state he lets spill how much more he had actually cheated on me. Threatened rape. Threatened death. Threatened to share recordings. Threatened to call cops. Choked me. Threatened to try an destroy my online business to “make sure everyone knew how horrible i am”

Then the crescendo where his insanity peaks and calls the cops on himself basically allowing them into our home to see all of the drugs he had been doing. And we get whisked away by police

Problem being. Its my home. I was supporting him.

I get charged.

I have finally left him now. My house was condemned. Im staying with family that for the last over a decade have spent trying to distance myself from. And sleeping on sisters couch with my remaining cat bouncing around from family member to the next while i renovate my place in hopes of salvaging some of my investment.

Problem being i left the best thing in my life at his parents. Along with alot of grow up boxes. I still want them back. Ive been trying to find people to help me dig. An i get how crazy i sound. Its not about needing his body. Its about having the best part of my life the being i respected the most’s story ending there. With him. After all hes done. My mind would delete my boy in order to block out the pain if he was left. And i dont want his memories tainted. Beings to me live on in peoples memories. I dont want his to be forgotten because his ending is tied to so much trauma. I want him back to rest so i can remember him how he is supposed to be remembered.

All in all
Im trying to keep so busy i cant even think about the horrors that ive experienced this past year. Ive been fairly successfull the last two months. Only getting upset when triggered or when my period is starting to come. But. I am. Terrified. To get sucked into my next deppressive state.

Technically its before my period now. And im feeling it. Trying my absolute manic best to keep busy though.

Cause I’m scared the next time i get a big wave. I might get stuck like i used to always get stuck. And before it’s always been passive. But I’ve never been through all of this before. Its so much worse then anything before. So yeah. Just worried if i get stuck in it next it will be exceptionally hard to get out. It feels like i cant think about anything except my next physical step or get out of my head stat.

Unsure what I am even doing. Restless and alone and stuck in my head. My life was allready filled with traumas I failed to process healthily. But this past entire year ending with a bang in june was the most life altering traumatic thing ive experienced.

To start the death of my childhood cat the summer of 2025. He had been my emotional support animal for almost 19years. I cried everyday for 6months… I was only brought out of that by the starts of my 17yr long partner seemingly starting to lose his mind from drugs. he started getting controlling and manipulative and abusing me heavily for 6 months due to drugs I assume. Or just horrible person. He got crazier and crazier untill it fully escalated to cops in my home early in the morning and being whisked away after just waking up. Charged with crimes I was pressured and manipulated into then blamed for as it was my residence. (Expected to be dropped) Forced to move with my cat with family as my house was condemned and still is to this day. Learned during the torture chamber of 6 months id been lied to for over a decade cheated on multiple times. While also dealing with, Threatened rape. Threatened to kill me. Recording me day in day out full access to my devices, the works.

Im out of it now.

With family. Its difficult. But nothings worse than that last 6 months.

I just know. I already was a person who couldn’t deal with their traumas in life. And had let them run my life too much. And all those previous traumas feel soooo far much smaller than everything I’ve gone through this past year, that it scares me quite a bit for my future