u/dearunknownreader

We matched on a dating app and had a phone call before meeting.

Within minutes, he started telling me about his career, his recent meeting, and eventually his investment strategy.

We somehow got onto cars. I mentioned I drive an electric Mercedes. He immediately explained why Tesla was obviously better and told me I'd made the wrong choice.

Then came my favorite part:

“Because I'm a man, I understand investments much better.” 👍

He proceeded to explain his plans to sell his car and house and buy property in the city. I mostly listened. What he didn't know was that I already owned a home in the city.

I didn't correct him. I just unmatched after the call.

Why do some people feel the need to establish superiority so early when dating?

Is it insecurity, confidence, or something else?

We matched on a dating app. His profile seemed decent; he was a computer engineer, had a normal-looking profile, and seemed pretty low-key.

We hadn't met in person yet, but we talked on the phone first. Apparently I'm getting better at dating, because at least this time I talked to him before meeting him. 🎉

Within the first few minutes, though, he started telling me about himself in great detail. He had just been in an important meeting, he had spoken in a foreign language during it, etc.

I mostly listened.

Then somehow we got onto cars. I mentioned that I drive a Mercedes EQB.

There was a pause. 👀

Then he started explaining to me that "Tesla was obviously the best electric car."

He asked if mine was fully electric, then he sighed: “Oh, that's really bad. Really bad. The world isn't ready for electric cars. You made the wrong choice.”

I thought, Don't worry, I'm ready.

Then I asked what he drove. An Opel Corsa. 😄

But it got better.

He told me: “Because I'm a man, I understand investments much better.”

Apparently, his investment strategy was to sell the Corsa, sell his house outside the city, and buy a house in the big city.

I just listened. He couldn't see the slightly amused smile on my face.

What he didn't know was that the EQB wasn't exactly my first car, and I already owned a home in the city he was planning to move to.

So while he was explaining his superior male investment strategy to me, I didn't argue. I didn't tell him any of this. I just let him finish his little presentation, talked about some random things for a while, and then unmatched him.

Because honestly, this was never about the Tesla or the Mercedes.

It was about a man deciding where to place me in his head before he even knew me and then trying to establish himself as “above” me.

I've noticed there are basically two types of men who do this:

1. The ones who try to make you feel smaller...

2. And the ones who immediately try to figure out how to benefit from what you have.

Either way, it's usually pretty obvious. 😄

Am I the only one who's noticed this, or have you experienced it too?

Matched with a guy who seemed great on paper. Same university, lots in common, easy conversation. He did talk about himself A LOT though....how successful he was, how hardworking he was, how many women wanted him.

We went on a couple of dates and everything was fine until breakfast the next morning.

I was casually using my phone when he suddenly asked: “Are you swiping on dating apps right now?”

I wasn't, so I showed him my phone.

Then he told me his ex had cheated on him, he was seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist, and that he wasn't ready for a relationship. Apparently his psychologist had told him: “Don't make any important decisions right now.”

So he could only casually date.

Which was fine. I didn't want him making any big decisions because of me either. 😄

But I found it funny that the guy who kept telling me how many women wanted him was already worried about whether I was looking at other men.

Do you think this was just insecurity from being cheated on, or was he projecting?

I matched with a guy who had graduated from the same university as me, and we already followed each other on Instagram. We had a lot in common, so I thought we'd probably get along.

The problem was that he talked about himself. A LOT. 👀 He kept telling me how hardworking and successful he was, and how many women were interested in him.

For our first date, he picked me up and took me to a nightclub with belly dancers and performers. Honestly, it was actually fun. Not exactly where I'd choose to have a first date, but we laughed and had a good time.

The next morning we went for breakfast.

He kept taking pictures of the food because, according to him, he had “a lot of followers” and needed content.

He had around 2,000. 👍 😂

While I was casually using my phone, he suddenly asked: “Are you swiping on dating apps right now?”

I showed him my phone because I wasn't doing anything.

Then he started telling me about his ex who had cheated on him, how he was seeing both a psychologist and psychiatrist, and that he couldn't have a relationship right now because his psychologist had told him: “Don't make any important decisions right now.”

So he could only casually date.

At that point I thought, fair enough. I decided I didn't want him making any big decisions because of me either. 😂 I wished him well and let him go back to all those women he was apparently so worried about me swiping toward.

I've noticed something interesting with dating: sometimes the people who are extremely suspicious of you are doing exactly what they're accusing you of.

Has anyone else had someone accuse you of something completely random, only to later realize they were probably projecting?

I’ve genuinely started wondering whether men actually read dating app profiles before swiping, or if some just look at the first photo and swipe right. 

My own brother has completely convinced me it might be the second one. He can sit there swiping right without even looking at the screen. I’ve even seen him swipe right on profiles with random pet photos, landscapes, houses, etc.

At this point, I’m convinced he could accidentally match with a golden retriever and keep going. 😂

So I’m genuinely curious:

Men, do you actually read profiles before swiping, or are you mostly deciding based on the photos?

After a few dates with some pretty strange characters, I decided I needed to go back to my comfort zone.

So I matched with an HR director.

And honestly, his profile looked really impressive.

He gave seminars, did presentations, had won awards for his work, had a decent following on Instagram, and generally seemed like a very accomplished, put-together person.

He lived with his mother because she was sick. Otherwise, according to him, he'd probably be working abroad. He also casually mentioned that he'd once dated a woman who had apparently won first place in some Korean beauty competition.

So... okay. 😂

Everything looked pretty good on paper.

I wasn't particularly attracted to him when I saw him in person, but his profile was impressive enough that I figured I'd give him a chance.

We met for coffee after work.

Almost immediately, he started asking what we were and how we were going to define the relationship.

I was thinking, 'Can we maybe have coffee a few more times before we name the relationship?'

Because I was already noticing a few things that made me uncomfortable.

For one, he was very interested in my salary.

At the time, I actually made significantly more money than he did because of my position and the industry I worked in.

Unfortunately, I was also going through a pretty awful period at work. Some things were getting uncomfortably close to harassment, but I was a single mother and needed the income, so I was putting up with it while quietly looking for another job.

I still didn't stop seeing him.

He wasn't dangerous or anything. He was just... getting more annoying by the minute.

For our second date, he said he wanted to take me to a place that brewed several different kinds of beer.

Sounds nice, right?

Except when we met, he told me the place had unexpectedly closed.

So instead, he took me to what was basically a very casual, slightly run-down outdoor place.

There was nothing necessarily wrong with the place. I'd just dressed up for the date, and the whole thing felt completely mismatched. I also felt like I was getting some very strange looks.

Then he said:

'You're probably used to luxury places because of your job. Let's just do this this time.'

That annoyed me more than it probably should have.

I told him I wasn't only used to nice places because of work. I also enjoy them in my personal life.

Then he started talking about his ex.

A lot.

Mostly about how pathetic her current husband was.

When we left, he told me that next time he'd take me to a really nice sushi restaurant.

Okay.

We kept talking for a while after that.

Honestly, most of this was being pushed forward by him. I wasn't particularly excited about him, but I kept thinking:

'He's harmless. Maybe I'll give it another chance.'

Then came date number three.

Before we met, he called me and said the sushi restaurant was closed for a private event that day.

So instead, he offered to make sushi at his house.

And, naturally, I could meet his mother while I was there.

That was actually the moment I realized I'd found my exit.

I told him I wasn't comfortable with that.

He immediately went back to:

'But what are we?'

And then started talking about me meeting his mother again.

Nope.

I said no, and that was the end of it.

But there was actually one more thing.

The thing that completely killed whatever tiny amount of interest I had left.

Remember how I mentioned that I was earning more than him at the time?

Eventually, he told me that the only reason I was making that much money was because I had been sexually harassed at work.

Yes.

Apparently being sexually harassed was now a career advantage.

That was the final straw.

And that's when I realized that maybe the impressive résumé, the seminars, the awards and the fancy title weren't actually telling me much about the person underneath.

Sometimes the résumé is just a really good cover letter for the red flags.

Has anyone else ever had someone look absolutely amazing on paper, only to turn out to be a walking red flag in person? What was the moment you finally knew you had to leave?

After a few terrible dates, I realized I’ve developed rules I never expected to have.

Car or expensive watch in every photo? **Suspicious.**

Every photo involves a hat or beanie? **I need to see what's underneath.**

If your profile only has old, outdated pictures and you look noticeably different in person? **Video call first.**

You tell me how much money you make before learning anything about me? **I'm probably leaving.**

Scorpio? **I'm sorry, my checklist has spoken.** 😂

One guy was bald, despite every single photo showing him wearing a hat. He also spent most of our date talking about how much money he made and how little time he had for a relationship.
Apparently he wanted someone he could call whenever he felt like having company.
And somehow he thought telling me I could call him whenever I "needed anything" was charming. 😂
Dating apps have basically turned me into a detective.
At this point, my checklist is longer than my grocery list.

After a few terrible dates, I realized I’ve developed rules I never expected to have.

Car or expensive watch in every photo? Suspicious.

Every photo involves a hat or beanie? I need to see what's underneath.

If your profile only has old, outdated pictures and you look noticeably different in person? Video call first.

You tell me how much money you make before learning anything about me? I'm probably leaving.

Scorpio? I'm sorry, my checklist has spoken. 😂

One guy was bald, despite every single photo showing him wearing a hat. He also spent most of our date talking about how much money he made and how little time he had for a relationship.
Apparently he wanted someone he could call whenever he felt like having company.
And somehow he thought telling me I could call him whenever I "needed anything" was charming. 😂
Dating apps have basically turned me into a detective.
At this point, my checklist is longer than my grocery list.

After a few dates, I realized I was developing rules.
Not healthy relationship rules. More like **“how to avoid a terrible date before leaving my house”**rules.
For example, I started noticing men who make sure you can see their car or expensive watch in their profile pictures.
Maybe they're successful. Maybe they're proud of what they have. Maybe the car belongs to a friend. Who knows.
I actually decided to test this one.
My thinking was: I'm doing financially fine myself, so maybe if he sees we're on a similar level, he won't automatically put me in the “casual hookup” category.
I didn't know this yet, but once someone puts you in a category, getting out of it can be surprisingly difficult.
Then there was the hat/beanie rule.
I went on a date with a guy whose pictures were all taken wearing hats or beanies. His face looked nice, so I didn't think much of it.
Turns out he was bald.
So yes, never trust a man who refuses to show you what's under the hat.
He was actually doing very well financially. Unfortunately, the date itself was not great. He spent most of our coffee talking about how busy he was, how much money he made, and how little time he had for an actual relationship.
What he wanted, apparently, was someone he could call whenever he wanted a little company.
And apparently I was a suitable candidate.
As we were leaving, he even told me I could call him whenever I needed anything.
It's touching how much some men worry about divorced women's needs.
There was, however, another guy who taught me a completely different lesson.
His pictures showed him much younger and significantly thinner than he actually was.
I didn't realize this until I got into his car.
He was considerably older-looking and probably twice the size of the person in his pictures.
And apparently his idea of a date was just sitting in his car.
The problem was that the entire car smelled so strongly of cigarettes that I genuinely felt like I was sitting inside a chimney.
I suggested getting coffee somewhere instead, so we went inside.
He had told me he was athletic, and his pictures certainly supported that claim.
This was around the time I added another rule:
Video call before meeting. Always.
The date wasn't particularly interesting, and when I told him I wasn't interested in seeing him again, he blocked me.
Fair enough.

So my current dating-app checklist is getting ridiculous:
No unnecessary car photos.

No unnecessary watch photos.

If even one picture features a shiny puffer jacket, I'm probably making assumptions.

If every picture involves a hat, I need to see what's under there.

If all the pictures look suspiciously old, video call first.

If you tell me how much money you make before learning anything about me, I'm probably leaving.

Scorpio? I'm sorry, my checklist has spoken. 😂

The funny thing is, I've seen plenty of men complain that women are only interested in their money.
But then why are so many men working so hard to make sure I know exactly how much money they have?

I've been dating again after a long marriage, and I've realized there are so many things I simply didn't know to look out for.
Some of my current dating rules were definitely learned through experience. 😂
So I'm curious:
What's a dating red flag you didn't recognize at first, but would never ignore now?

Seven or eight months after my divorce, I decided to try dating again.
This was a bigger deal than it sounds.
Before my ex-husband, I had never really had a serious relationship. I knew men. I worked in a male-dominated industry and had plenty of male friends.
But dating men was different.
I had no idea how much people could lie, exaggerate, manipulate, or simply present a different version of themselves when they wanted you to like them.
And my ex-husband had left me with one particularly nasty belief:
That nobody would ever want me again.
So, naturally, I downloaded a dating app.
My first match wasn't terrible. Actually, he was probably one of the more normal men I would meet later.
His pictures were... let's say optimistic. He looked noticeably different in person, and I wasn't exactly blown away when I first saw him.
But he seemed nice.
The conversation was easy, and he took me to a really nice restaurant. He kept telling me that I was much prettier in person than in my pictures, which was honestly a nice change from the dating-app experience I was about to discover.
We talked, laughed, ate, and had a genuinely pleasant evening.
The problem was that I only saw him as a friend.
At some point during the evening, I told him that he was actually my first date since my divorce.
He looked so happy.
Like, genuinely excited.
And I remember thinking:
Why are you this happy about that?
Looking back, maybe I was the red flag.
Maybe he felt special knowing he was my first date after my marriage. Maybe he simply liked me more than I realized.
I had no idea.
I just knew that, in my head, this man was temporary. I wasn't emotionally ready to attach myself to anyone yet.
He drove me home, we said goodnight, and that was it.
A little later, I told him honestly that I didn't think I wanted to continue seeing each other.
He took it well.
Every now and then, though, he would check in and casually ask if I was really sure.
I was.
He wasn't a bad guy.
He wasn't creepy.
He didn't do anything wrong.
I just wasn't interested.
And weirdly, that was probably the most important thing I learned from my first date after divorce:
Someone can want you...
and you can still decide you don't want them back.
My ex-husband had spent years making me feel like being chosen by a man was something I should be grateful for.
This was the first time I realized:
Maybe being wanted wasn't the same thing as wanting someone back.
So I went back to the dating apps.
That turned out to be a terrible idea. 😂

My ex-husband and I met at university.
We studied the same field and eventually both ended up working at sea. We started as friends, and during our final year, that friendship turned into a relationship.
We had so much in common. We could talk for hours, laugh about the same things, and I felt completely comfortable around him.
I felt safe.
Looking back, there were things I probably should have noticed. We were more like best friends than a passionate couple, especially physically. But I didn't really know what real love was supposed to feel like.
So I thought maybe love was supposed to feel like peace.
A couple of years later, we got married.
For a while, everything seemed fine. Because we both worked at sea, we'd spend months apart and then have a few weeks together. We never really experienced the full reality of everyday married life.
Then I moved ashore for work.
I was genuinely happy about starting a new chapter.
He wasn't.
The happier I became about my new life, the more miserable he seemed about having to stay at sea.
Eventually, he quit too, without another job lined up.
I tried to support him. I helped him look for work, contacted people I knew, and eventually even helped him prepare for some of his job assessments.
Meanwhile, I was pregnant.
After our daughter was born, I slowly realized how unequal our life had become.
He considered himself a very involved father. From my perspective, most of the parenting, housework and mental load were mine.
He found another job, lost it, found another one, and lost that one too.
At one point, I realized I wasn't really living with a partner anymore. I was carrying another adult through life.
He started going out drinking with friends several nights a week. He stopped answering my calls and spent most of his time at home on his phone or sleeping.
When I asked him why he wouldn't answer me, he told me that being outside with other men made him feel more like a man.
I also started suspecting there was another woman.
Eventually I found messages.
He wouldn't let me read them. He said she was a married woman from work who was having problems in her marriage and talking to him about therapy.
They had been messaging late into the night.
Then he told me something I still can't forget.
He said he didn't want me to read the messages because he'd written about how much he hated me, and reading them would hurt me.
I remember thinking:
\*Hate me?\*
I couldn't understand where all that anger had come from.
I'd spent years supporting him, helping him find work, raising our child and keeping our household together.
Then one day he mentioned wanting to sell our car and buy another property.
I jokingly asked:
\*"What, are you planning to divorce me?"\*
He said:
\*"Something like that."\*
And then he finally told me the truth.
He said he had never loved me.
He said he'd been in love with his ex-girlfriend.
He said he'd married me because I was the logical choice.
He also told me that knowing my family was financially comfortable made him feel confident that our child would be well taken care of.
I was stunned.
We had been married for five years.
We had a child.
We had built a home together.
And suddenly I was being told that the marriage I'd spent five years believing in had basically been a practical decision.
Then he explained what his dream marriage looked like.
He wanted a wife who cooked several dishes every day, massaged his feet every night, and left him alone in his private gaming room until he wanted sex.
I was working too. I was contributing financially. I was raising our child.
So I asked him:
\*"If your wife is supposed to earn money and do all of those things for you, what exactly are you bringing to this marriage?"\*
He said:
\*"I protect the house."\*
I looked at him and said:
\*"I could tie a dog to the front door. It would protect the house too."\*
He just stared at me.
We eventually divorced.
I thought the hardest part would be accepting that my marriage was over.
It wasn't.
The hardest part was questioning five years of memories.
Was he ever in love with me?
Did he ever mean it when he said he was happy?
Or had we simply been living inside two completely different marriages?
I didn't know it yet, but this was only the beginning.
Because after my divorce, I thought I was finally going to learn what real love felt like.
I was very, very wrong.