u/demighoulx

well, I guess she’s been dying for a while now. let me explain.

my mom was involved in an accident that essentially took her life — she was a passenger on a motorcycle and the driver gave her a helmet that was way too big for her. he hit a curb while driving, she was already in pain since they were trying to get her to urgent care for an abscess in her inner thigh, all 4ft 10in of her was launched 30ft into the air and onto the pavement. her head bobbled in the helmet so hard that the two hemispheres separated. she was in a coma for a month in a half, suffered severe brain injury, and shattered her entire right side.
honestly, it’s a miracle that she’s recovered to the point that she’s at in these last two years.

so now, she’s been in and out of ICUs, a few hospitals, and a nursing facility. she was showing a lot of signs of improvement, finally coming back to a really good mental place, and then that changed in the last few months.
unbeknownst to me, that abscess in her groin came back, deeper and harder to detect. she’s bedbound, and has the brain injury, so it was hard for anyone to pinpoint what was going on until it was too late and she was already in septic shock.

I flew down here to be with her. I’ve been sleeping in the ICU with her for the last 9 days, and she has shown a bit of improvement since she was brought in. they’re taking adequate care of her, and addressing the shock.

my issue? her heart is barely functioning, which means she sleeps a lot at best, and is restless and uncomfortable at worst. the heart failure exacerbates everything else, including the fact that I think she has pulmonary edema, but they haven’t done the appropriate scans for it. every night that I’ve spent with her, her cough has gotten worse, and she’s producing more and more pink mucus.

I’m supposed to go home tomorrow morning, since she’s being treated. but I’m terrified that time away from her is losing the last moments that I’m going to get. numbers-wise, she is improving. but how much, and for how long?

I don’t know. she’s not even 54 yet. she was an active caregiver before the accident, she loved to tag along to errands just because she liked keeping people company. whenever I wander the hospital halls, she’s the one I want to call and chat with to pass the time.
I’m turning 30 in november, and all I can think about is how I didn’t even want to make it to 18 and I did it all for her.

I’m sure this is rambly and I’m missing quite a bit of info. again, I’ve been in a hospital for over a week, with only my mom to think about. my head is all medical journals and anxiety and despair. I know I should go home — I *will* go home — but I’m already wracked with guilt thinking of the what ifs.

meal: surprisingly great aburi salmon from the hospital cafeteria, prepared in front of me at 8am on a random tuesday.