Has anyone else accidentally developed dermatillomania in an effort to stop cutting?
I was a regular cutter for most of my adolescence. I was the subject of several intensely embarrassing family interventions because of it, but every time they begged me to stop, I would just find more discreet places to do it (always got caught in the end, though). When I was 16, all the blades in my household were put in lockboxes, and in my desperation to break skin, I just started scratching at the same spot with my nails until it became raw, then re-picking the scabs off that same wound over and over. It began as a deliberate attempt at hurting myself and a replacement for cutting... but as months went by, it became a compulsion that I cannot physically control. I very quickly learned to localize my picking to just the feet because it's the easiest part of myself to keep hidden. I just wear socks at all times until I'm alone. I can't remember the last time I was barefooted in another person's presence because my feet are so scarred and missing most of their toenails. I've never even had sex without keeping my socks on. I've lived my whole adult life so far like this, and I hate it.
I feel like my current excoriation habit has some similar underlying emotional drives, but it's still very distinct from cutting to me. Cutting occured only in times of high distress, and it also just generally required more effort to complete. But the picking happens without me even realizing it more often than not. I often enter a trance when I do it and will continue doing it for hours without even thinking. And the pain it causes is something I tolerate but do not enjoy one bit, unlike the pain I got from cutting which usually soothed me. I don't ever remember regretting cutting myself, but I very frequently go too far with the picking and end up trying not to walk funny in public because the sole of my foot is completely raw, and I'm always angry with myself for days or even weeks following. Yet as soon as the skin there becomes peelable again, I take it right off. I can't stop doing it for the life of me!
I sometimes think "at least I'm no longer cutting" to feel better about it, but I know that's me lying to myself. I don't feel proud at all to tell my psychiatrist that I'm clean from cutting because the skin picking still technically counts as self-harm and is honestly a much worse problem for me now than cutting ever was. It's gotten to the point where I've even considered taking up cutting again to stop myself from picking 😭😭🫠
Has anything like this happened to anyone else?