u/doctorShadow78

I hope this is okay to post here! I am planning to go to the Vedanta Society of Toronto retreat in September by myself. Before this it would be nice to meet / chat with some friendly people in the community. I see the centre is closed for the summer so I thought i would see if there are any locals here. I am 48 / male / gay (if that matters). I grew up as a fundamentalist Christian but left that scene in my 20s. Since then my spiritual journey and seeking has continued. I've been interested in mysticism and practiced Buddhism and meditation. In the past year I've come across Advaita Vedanta, and from the little I know I believe it points to profound truths and reality and has something to offer in my own journey and formation. Thank you.

Something has happened in the last few months that I feel is personally meaningful, maybe somewhat ironic.

Basically, I came to a point of feeling sick and tried of all the effort and striving that I bring to meditation. I've come to the point of saying "F*** this, I've had enough. I don't need this. I am okay as I am."

I get the irony that I had this insight because of the meditation I was cursing! I get that it's not the meditation itself, it's what I bring to it. So in a sense the meditation really has brought me to this place.

That being said - I think it's also true that the type of meditation I've been doing - and the culture around it - is probably not the best suited for me. I have been part of a sangha for a couple years, and although it's been awesome in a lot of ways (amazing dharma talks) but when it comes to meditation practice there is sometimes a lot of emphasis on effort, posture, merit-making, amping up your meditation schedule etc. etc. This might be great for some people but I just don't think it's right for me and what I bring.

So since this experience I've been doing my own "hybrid" style practice which breaks the rules I've been given 😄 I start by repeating to myself "I am loving loving awareness" (uh oh Buddhist sin, making an identity!) followed by intentionally giving permission for my mind to do whatever. I sit in the seat of the observer (uh oh I'm a dualist now, bad me!) and then I observe and intentionally love whatever may come. I am only concerned about my posture in-so-much as it effects my ability to stay awake, sufficiently alert and relatively comfortable. Often (but not always) the "loving awareness" mantra and "observer" seat fade away and I'm just kind of hanging out with whatever is. This approach feels much closer to home.

Thank you for tolerating my sarcasm and snarky commentary (apparently I'm still working through this.)

(In related news, I have a used Zafu Meditation cushion and 2 cork Yoga blocks available at a discount price!)

I took the standard dose for a while and would have watery stools followed by a feeling of "incomplete evacuation". I was still constipated! I thought it must not work for me or maybe I need more. Actually, I needed less. I dropped to half a dose and it works well.

I've found this technique to be very calming and helpful for anxiety. I'm calling it my "let it all hang out" or "let the mind unwind" technique.

Basically, I am repeating a mantra lightly while explicitly giving my mind permission to be anxious, or worried, or say whatever it wants. The mantra is like a flotation device or tether that keeps me going forward and not drown in my thoughts. It's like it gives distance from that worrying part of my mind, so I'm not as identified with it. My worrying mind is doing it's thing and I'm increasingly observing it rather than being it.

I think the reason it works so well for me is that I'm not trying to suppress or control the anxiety, which in my experience just makes things worse. I'm not trying to "be a good meditator" because it's a no-fail situation. Whatever happens, happens.

What I want to know is what established technique does this align with? I'm asking because I'm sure there is much more I can learn and perhaps grow in my practice.

I've been on 10mg for about five months and it helps a lot with depression and overall stability.

However I sometimes have difficulties that really suck:

• Emotional Blunting --> feeling agitated and disconnected emotionally, can't cry
• Feeling Stupid --> like I can't access intellectual knowledge in the moment or put words to certain things
• Short Fuse --> increased temper at times along with some sense of confusion

I feel like all of these are somehow related... like there's a wall keeping me from connecting with something.

Can anyone relate? I want to stay on the drug and am hoping going down in dose might help.

I have recently been experimenting with a mantra technique similar to Trancendental Meditation. I find it quite interesting and surprisingly therapeutic, like stuff is coming up and I'm releasing it. It's also very different than the Buddhist oriented mindfulness approaches that I've practiced. There's a huge emphasis on effortlessness and explicit instruction to not try and concentrate.

My hunch is that it could help relax me and de-stress, but I don't think it will help me grow in insight, wisdom, compassion.

What I'm wondering is if it's a bad idea to be practicing both types of meditation. Or perhaps both could have their place?

Looking for wisdom from the sangha :-)

I'm a licensed psychotherapist in Canada. I prefer having a small part-time therapy practice (20 hrs or less per week). I'd love to find another flexible, part-time position where I can leverage my skills / credentials without actually providing therapy. It could be related to therapy or not. I've even though of recruiting as I think there is some overlap (not sure though!). What other roles might a recruiter/agency consider me for?

I've seen a few posts on this topic that assume U.S. residency, so I'm hoping to broaden the topic.

Basically, I am very happy with my mid-career, part-time therapy practice. I find 15 clients is a great number for me (to stay enthusiastic and prevent burnout) and I don't wish to expand beyond that. However, that leaves me with about 20 hours per week to help pay the bills and keep myself productive. If I could find a remote position that somehow leverages my existing qualifications/experience that would be great. I'm also open to completely non-therapy related endeavors that might suit someone with therapy skills. One thing I've considering is freelance recruiting, for example.

Additionally - obviously the American/International job market is massively larger than the Canadian market. I'm curious about companies in other countries that are open to contracts with Canadian citizens.

I welcome any feedback, experiences, insights or thoughts you might have, regardless of your nationality.

For my last few practice sessions I've been experiencing what feels like intense heat mostly from my head. My upper body, neck, shoulders, chest are also quite warm. It comes on suddenly and then stops after meditation. Kind of like having a short "fever", but just the heat and no other symptoms.

So I'm wondering why this is happening and the possibilities of what it might indicate.