u/drowninglessonsl0ver

We literally was just cuddling while watching movies as per usual and all the sudden we started making out. We were so confused on what was happening, we literally didn’t even know we were making out. It felt so weird but so good for the both of us.

Yeah it’s the next day and i genuinely feel like I’ve fallen in love with her for a second time but even stronger somehow. I can’t stop thinking abt her and yesterday. I’m actually so obsessed now.

My girlfriend is obsessed a couple celebrities and fictional characters and always reposts about how hot they are and how she wants to be with them ect. She has a cardboard cutout of one, a blanket with this celebrity’s face all over it ECT. She even talks about how hot they are to me.

She changed her display name on social media to “Dutches wife” (Dutch from rdr2). She did it because I made fun of Dutch and she took it personally by changing her display name to THAT. And I used to always be on her lock screen wallpaper and while she was talking about how hot this celebrity is she said “oh but don’t worry I’d never replace you on my lock screen with him instead, I promise”. The very next day she changed it to a lock screen of that celebrity.

Idk I think it’s all disrespectful bull shit that should not be normalised in relationships.

I feel like I was sexually assaulted as a kid but i can’t remember it and i don’t know how to remember it.

The only things that I can remember is a guy breathing on my face/neck really close up to me and him wearing a blue button up shirt. I can’t picture his face or where it happened. I can literally still feel him breathing on me and can smell his breath.

Ive always been kinda terrified of anyone touching me sexually and I never thought of why.
I also hate getting physically close, like hugging people besides my girlfriend for some reason.

Yeah man the thought of this has been driving me nuts because I don’t know if anything actually happened or not.

I can feel it but I can’t remember it.

I genuinely don’t know how to explain this “feeling”. The best I can describe is that it’s nostalgic asf and reminds me of gothic or alt 2000s shit or smth. The feeling goes with cloudy days and nature and old towns specifically.
Whenever I see certain things like the skyline over these trees I can feel that feeling strong like in my chest.
I started to really want to kinda go to where that feeling comes from as if it’s a destination somewhere like maybe over the trees since I feel it so strong when I look above them. I started listening to artists who really gave me that feeling through music. And then finally I realised “what if there’s a girl somewhere around here who also yearns for that feeling and doesn’t go to school and is exactly like me?”. At the time I started homeschooling and had absolutely nothing interesting and no responsibilities in my life except for some school work. I was only talking to one friend regularly so I was also pretty lonely too. Since I had nothing to do and had so much time to think, I started building this fantasy of me and this girl who experiences that feeling the same way I do. I started going on walks everyday to literally go out and find that girl as if she’d also just be walking around and we coincidentally run into each other.

I found a girl online who lives close to me. She matches ALOT of the traits of the girl I had in my fantasy but i realised she wasn’t the same girl I imagined. She doesn’t feel the same feeling I do. Idk what to do. Do I keep searching? Do I continue to date this girl? I do love her and she’s genuinely amazing but it’s not.. the same as I wanted?