u/ds2316476

Cup of bacon

The feeling is so relaxing. I feel like taking a nap. I haven't had this much mental clarity in so long.

I have CPTSD and the buspirone just knocked the crap out of my anxiety. Every time the anxiety tries to come back up, I just feel so relaxed that it doesn't even have a chance. This is fun!

I had a nagging feeling she wasn't listening to me and that I was just masking my feelings and going with the flow. Finally confirmed it today and decided to stop going.

I have CPTSD and she was triggering the hell out of me by asking me to explain myself and pointing out things I said before. Very traumatizing coded because my parents did that to me when I would tell them what was wrong with me and they would argue and ask me to explain and give exact details about why I felt the way I felt instead of listening and being empathetic like what the fuck.

But I asked her for helping finding the right therapist modality for me (ifs, emdr) and she might get back to me with good references. I hope. Session only lasted half an hour.

It was disappointing and I wish I spent my day finding a good therapist.

Food is just a bunch of stuff mixed together, white rice, garbanzo beans, chicken, and peas with soy sauce for flavor.

Box supreme pizza with cinnamon rolls from the can. Because it's Sunday and I got my food stamps today, fuck it.

Mom is doing great.

I've been reading so many disturbing mother's day posts on GDD like holy shit.

Thought I'd share something a little more positive.

Edit: proclamation*

https://deadspace.fandom.com/wiki/Category:Ships

I have acute trauma and depression and CPTSD. Normal CBT therapy doesn't work and actively hurts me.

Proof, my CBT therapist talks slowly about things I already know about and suggested I do something that relaxes me that I'm already doing.

My dad suggested I just take an hour and focus on something that I need to get done. The problem is I can't focus because of flashbacks.

My psychiatrist recommended I use different language like instead of saying "I can't" say "I can but not right now." That the brain listens when you tell it to stop. I told her that it's very patronizing.

I'm in a trauma prison, I've tried everything already. I'm smart, I already know what's going on, my problem is dealing with people who suggest is my fault for not doing the homework.

I practically yelled at her that I'm constantly trying to non violently approach people who talk to me this way and explain how or why that doesn't work. I've fawned my entire life so for the most part I'd go along with it and spiral angrily at home and scream and cry why do I have to deal with this over and over again?

I told her that it doesn't make sense to me. My dad is smart, he knows my history, he knows the abuse I went through, he doesn't do drugs or drink so he has a clear head and doesn't forget the things I've told him.

I told her that she's educated and knows what cptsd is and how surface level exercises don't work and how it needs deeper and stronger stuff, that CBT therapy doesn't work on me and how it hurts and how I'm basically SCREAMING for my brain to stop but it won't.

I told her I don't understand how people are like this.

There was no rebuttal thank God, just continued with asking questions and kept a neutral and supportive environment which I guess was nice. It felt good to finally confront the issue for the first time, instead of fawning and pretending that it's "good advice".

Got prescribed something I forget but it's supposed to help with flashbacks.

Spaghetti and rice to hold me over till my food stamps refill.

I saw this on tiktok and realized there's hella dancing scenes.

1. Mr. Milchick dancing for Kier in Severance
2. Eric Knox cool dancing in Charlie's Angels
3. Pearl dancing for that ticket off the farm in Pearl
4. The Vandergeld sisters establishing dominance in White Chicks
5. Tucker dancing for them sharks in Dangerous Animals
6. Vector dancing for that evil tech in Despicable Me

There's way, way more I could list but I only have so many minutes in the day. Sorry for the low quality gifs.

Edit: my first post ever that blew up! I think I legit read/upvoted all 1k comments all throughout the day.

Thanks for commenting and don't forget zemo.

Half an hour to session starts.

I don't know what we are going to talk about. I mean I do know what we are going to talk about but at the same time FML and I'm kind of crazy and it fucking sucks. Venting type shit.

I got here early. I've been out all day so my phone is dying fast at 15%, but I need the distraction, even though it'll be dead for the hour long bus ride home. If I meditate I can make time go by faster I guess and I'll have the hour to reflect on the session.

I'm crazy, so I think I'm always in trouble/about to die constantly. Being on reddit is always a bad idea but I need the social interaction, even if it's toxic af on both ends.

I have CPTSD so these sessions are a big waste of time, but I need someone in my corner even if they are going to gaslight me into thinking I'm responsible for not healing.

Food and drink self explanatory, sandwich is a BLT.

Edit:

I didn't realize how much I needed the session. My body was shaking afterwards. The bus ride home was pleasant and quiet. It wasn't as long as I thought it would be.

I've done CBT therapy before and it just doesn't work for CPTSD, but it helps a lot to get to have "the space" and to do the work and to process stuff even if it falls short. I miss my first therapist.

It's better to go to therapy but also know your options vs not going at all. And I appreciate all the support. For CPTSD I recommend EMDR and spravato/KAP. Surprised again at all the support everyone is giving like, I hate spiraling and it's a miserable existence so it's kind of touching to hear support for mental health and for people "going through it". I really appreciate it.